Kerry Katona did porn??? (NSFW, obviously)

[Trumo]

2 hours ago, VERBAL DIARRHEA said:

There are sperm banks that have had less deposited in them than her.

 

That may be true.

 

But enough about the Mansfield Purse Strings Holder. What about Katona?

[Rico1304]

One of my mates walked into the pub on a Sunday after a night with a horror he’d picked up in Bredbury Hall and said “If I’ve not got AIDS off her I’m never getting it” 

[manwiththestick]

49 minutes ago, Rico1304 said:

One of my mates walked into the pub on a Sunday after a night with a horror he’d picked up in Bredbury Hall and said “If I’ve not got AIDS off her I’m never getting it” 

Oooh, Bredbury Hall *shudders* that place was an experience.

[sir roger]

53 minutes ago, Rico1304 said:

One of my mates walked into the pub on a Sunday after a night with a horror he’d picked up in Bredbury Hall and said “If I’ve not got AIDS off her I’m never getting it” 

Ha ha   although I cant help feeling he has missed something important about HIV.

[Rico1304]

17 minutes ago, manwiththestick said:

Oooh, Bredbury Hall *shudders* that place was an experience.

It was our local club growing up, there and Quaffers.  Some fucking rum nights. 
 

it’s all changed now, it’s more of a house music place. You can get in wearing jeans.  Sacrilege. The days of Andrew Flintoff drinking pints of wine and the red arrows wandering round in flight suits are over. 

[Section_31]

I pulled a bird once who was so rough I actually had a panic attack when I went back to her flat. I'd just assumed I'd had an allergic reaction to her cat and had to go home for a puff on an old inhaler.

[Bjornebye]

[Elite]

14 minutes ago, Bjornebye said:

It looks like her lower half is trying to escape from her.

[Dougie Do'ins]

I honestly don't know what she's doing. Is she charging people to look at photos of her in various states of undress ?

[VladimirIlyich]

5 minutes ago, Dougie Do'ins said:

I honestly don't know what she's doing. Is she charging people to look at photos of her in various states of undress ?

She should be paying them.

[Section_31]

Her body looks like Earthworm Jim.

[Dr Nowt]

2 hours ago, Bjornebye said:

Someone, somewhere is wanking into a ready meal at this. And I thought the 1980’s Live Aid photos were harrowing in their privation. How can you live like that?

[sir roger]

4 hours ago, Section_31 said:

I pulled a bird once who was so rough I actually had a panic attack when I went back to her flat. I'd just assumed I'd had an allergic reaction to her cat and had to go home for a puff on an old inhaler.

Mate once went back to a girls house and said there was a terrible smell about the place. Stumbled to the loo during the night and when he put the light on there was a bloated, dead alsatian in the bath.

[Anubis]

8 hours ago, Dougie Do'ins said:

I honestly don't know what she's doing. Is she charging people to look at photos of her in various states of undress ?

Kerry! Kerry’s the name! She’s got fiiiive kids to feed.

[Elite]

8 hours ago, sir roger said:

Mate once went back to a girls house and said there was a terrible smell about the place. Stumbled to the loo during the night and when he put the light on there was a bloated, dead alsatian in the bath.

Wow. That's completely fucked up.

[KMD7]

13 hours ago, Dougie Do'ins said:

I honestly don't know what she's doing. Is she charging people to look at photos of her in various states of undress ?

It's a challenging wank alright.

[VERBAL DIARRHEA]

This steaming pile of left over wank isn’t even 40. She’s licked more Gooch than Graham scored runs.

[Bruce Spanner]

I asked my mate to type this up as I couldn’t remember the details, needless to say he wears it like a badge of honour...

 

Quote

Haha, so was in the club, my own sick over my blazer cause I’m a classy guy. A bloke comes up and asks for a snog, I says, “Sorry I’m not interested but your friend...” 

We start making out in about seventeen seconds (weirdly not my record) and she asks me back to hers.

We hop in a taxi, fucking Leyton man, arse end of fuck all nowhere out east, £30 later and we’re into hers. 

Walk into the living room and about 6/7 people all dancing around in a circle wearing pagan animal masks. Like the scene in American Wearwolf in London, they all turn around at the same time. At this point I’m thinking of the £30 taxi so we head up to her room, but I’m in the light now and in my drunken state I think it’s a good time to take off my blazer.

We head up two flights of stairs and we open her door to find some bloke flat out on the bed. She shuts the door on me, they talk in an Eastern European language I’m unfamiliar in. He walks out with a quilt around his head, turns to me, mutters something in native tongue, I, a bit confused by this point tell her I need to get my blazer (remembering the story back this is where they turned to me) 

I get back upstairs, £30 fresh in my mind. She takes off her leggings and what can only be described as burst veins, black and pulsing on her legs, sore with a fluid leaking out of them she leans in. I kiss her but for my dignity and hers I tell her to clean herself up... it’s fair to say I used a rubber.

Hero!

[Bjornebye]

8 minutes ago, Bruce Spanner said:

I asked my mate to type this up as I couldn’t remember the details, needless to say he wears it like a badge of honour...

 

Hero!

Thats bad. Really fucking bad. Not as bad as the dead dog. 

 

[Remmie]

I heard a story about a mate of a mate, but before I could post it on here, I saw a near identical story posted, so probably an urban legend.

 

Anyway, just to rehash it and see who else has heard a similar story, this guy Ben has pulled a bird at a house party. She overhears Ben talking to another guy about how he is going to bang a fatty as he is desperate but still sleeps with him. He wakes up the next day to a shit curled off on his chest as revenge.

[Bjornebye]

All men should read this book

 

 

 

[Trumo]

1 hour ago, Remmie said:

I heard a story about a mate of a mate, but before I could post it on here, I saw a near identical story posted, so probably an urban legend.

 

Anyway, just to rehash it and see who else has heard a similar story, this guy Ben has pulled a bird at a house party. She overhears Ben talking to another guy about how he is going to bang a fatty as he is desperate but still sleeps with him. He wakes up the next day to a shit curled off on his chest as revenge.

 

It would be funny if they were at her place as he could just wipe it off on her sheets.

[Geoff Woade]

Not as bad as the Alsatian but same sort of thing.

 

Pulled on a night out, back to hers, she was actually decent, nothing untoward seemed to be going on. 
 

After we finished I went to the bog for a piss but as I go in the bathroom there’s an old bloke in the bath washing motorbike parts (and I mean having a bath himself and taking the opportunity to wash the motorbike stuff down as well at the same time) It must have been after 3 in the morning. Turns out she was still living with her parents while in her mid twenties and that was her dad.

 

Weird.

[Elite]

Fair play for unearthing some of the weirdest females on the planet. Even my worst story is completely tame compared to some of this shit, so I won't bother. The dead Alsatian story is still by far the worst though.

[Sugar Ape]

On 01/03/2008 at 19:28, sir roger said:

Long time ago before I was married me & a mate copped off with 2 girls from Widnes & ended up getting a cab back to one of their houses ( after a discussion about the gains involved versus the cab fare involved ). Once settled , my mate went upstairs with his girl & I got involved on the downstairs couch with mine.

 

About 2 hours later I was awoken from a doze ( after a massively impressive performance obviously ) by my mate looking a bit shaken & saying we needed to get off.

 

As we cleared off he let me know the problem. He said they laid down on the bed & everything had being going fine & then the girl had then stood up by the side of the bed & started a striptease. He sat back for the performance as the shoes came off , the blouse came off , the bra came off , the trousers came off , a bit of fumbling and then her right leg came off.

 

He hadn't a clue what to do & she hadn't mentioned having a prosthetic limb. She gets back on the bed as if it was the most usual thing in the world. He'd lost the urge but not wanting her to think he was a bastard , he did the dirty deed & then again before she had finally fallen asleep.

 

We got a cab & he sat almost catatonic in the back , his only utterance being

' I thought she was a shit dancer '.

 

To add insult to injury our pooled money only got us to town & we had to walk to Walton & Croxteth respectively.

That’s the best Sir Roger tale.