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Best man

Jennings

By Jennings,
in GF - General Forum

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kingkenny78 Collaborator

kingkenny78

Posted
Posted
You lot are clearly braver and funnier than me. I have written a very 'safe' speech. I am not a funny guy. I am not going to start trying to be funny in front of 200 people.

 

I heard someone tell me that they put a joke in their speech and when they delivered it absolutely no one laughed. The orator paused waiting for laughter...but the silence was deafening. He then continued "...but seriously...". Oh the shame!

 

I am sure that will happen to me.

 

...or else I will get heckled by the Bride's incredibly funny 'Uncle Knobhead'.

 

...or else I will actually feint and people will think it is part of the act.

 

...oh fuck this is terrible.

 

...hang on...need the loo.

If your uncle starts with the heckling, single him out and give him this:

 

' I've been asked to be best man today. Within this wedding, that is my job. Don't tell me how to do my job. Do I come round to your work and tell you how to sweep up?'

 

Worked like a charm for me. Might not work if your unc is a self-made millionaire though eh?

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The Great Jacko Collaborator

The Great Jacko

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I did a best mans speech and was really nervous but I can honestly say it was one of my best experiences - if I hadn't have taken my girlfriend I could've shagged one of the bridesmaids who insisted on showing me the tattoo on her arsecheek about 6 times whilst I was more focussed on copping an eyeful of the rusty bullet hole on show through her g-string. I got loads of applause when I'd finished the speech, didn't want for a drink all night and had everyone coming up telling me how good it was - I think I had a better time than the bride and groom.

 

I had the brick for the gag mentioned earlier, plus I got a t-shirt printed with my mates ugly mug on the front and "World's biggest WWF fan" on the back cause he likes that shit, and I got some fake telegrams printed with a load of joke messages that I'd got from a best man's joke book. My speech went on for about 15 mins and tried to tell my mates life story as I knew him (from about the age of 7) in a funny way but using the props mentioned and some generic jokes.

 

A couple of months later I was at my cousins wedding and walking down the line where you say hello and shake hands - I got to the best man and said something along the line of don't worry mate, I was best man a couple of months ago I'll be right behind yer when you do yer speech - at which point he went fucking white and said - what speech.......?

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kingkenny78 Collaborator

kingkenny78

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Saw a good one at a wedding years ago.

 

During his speech, the best man announced that 'as the bride was now off the market ,would any of her old flames who still had a key to her flat please bring it up to the front now'.

 

Obviously, earlier in the day he'd handed about 20 of us an old key each, and he produced a metal tin so that we could all file up and 'clang' the keys into it one by one. Cue much laughter with the biggest laugh being the last bloke, an old fella of about 90 struggling over on walking sticks, dropping the key in and giving the bride the thumbs up.

 

As a final coup de grace, the best man asked 'anybody else?' It brought the house down when the priest, who'd been sitting looking unamused at the top table, got up and dropped his key in the tin with a loud 'clang'.

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Jennings Grand Master

Jennings

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Nice one mate, sounds like it went well, your speech looks good.

Did mine on Sunday...I'm pretty sure I rocked the shit actually, from the comments I had through the night.

 

I am not so good at street talk, is "rocking the shit" good or bad?

 

:)

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lililad Rookie

lililad

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I've just read this thread for the first time. Brilliant, some of the comments have had me laughing out loud sitting here!!

 

I'm a best man myself later this year. Hope I can come up with some speech bits as good as some of the ones on here.

 

LOL!!

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  • 1 month later...
WaltonRed Grand Master

WaltonRed

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I'm doing it jointly with a mates brother in September so I'm going with this baby, thanks SpyBee:

 

I wasn't sure how long the best man's speech should last, so I asked around and the general consensus was that it should last as long as the groom lasts in bed... so... that just leaves me to say, you've been a wonderful audience...

 

His brother is a fucking stand up comedian so I'll do that bit and then let him get on with it.

 

I'm so gutted its untrue.

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JohnnyH Grand Master

JohnnyH

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I'm doing it jointly with a mates brother in September so I'm going with this baby, thanks SpyBee:

 

I wasn't sure how long the best man's speech should last, so I asked around and the general consensus was that it should last as long as the groom lasts in bed... so... that just leaves me to say, you've been a wonderful audience...

 

His brother is a fucking stand up comedian so I'll do that bit and then let him get on with it.

 

I'm so gutted its untrue.

 

Not to upset your key gag mate but I've heard that line at nearly every wedding and speach about someone else I've gone to. People are now finishing the joke in the audience. I certainly wont be using it in my speach.

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  • 5 years later...

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