Best man

[Jennings]

I know it is a misnoma but I am best man for my brother on Saturday.

 

I should be looking forward to the wedding, but the speech is hanging over me like the sword of Damocles.

 

My brother is a funny guy. He tells funny stories and has great wit but has never done anything worthy of articulating to 200 close family and friends.

 

I have written my speech out but it is rubbish.

 

Woe is me.

 

Any advice gratefully received.

[Elmyn Noos]

I know it is a misnoma but I am best man for my brother on Saturday.

 

I should be looking forward to the wedding, but the speech is hanging over me like the sword of Damocles.

 

My brother is a funny guy. He tells funny stories and has great wit but has never done anything worthy of articulating to 200 close family and friends.

 

I have written my speech out but it is rubbish.

 

Woe is me.

 

Any advice gratefully received.

 

I'm sure there's a thread on here somewhere where someone, possibly Remmie or RiS, asked for similar advice and got some good suggestions.

[Anny Road]

Nob Gags always go down a storm.

[Spy Bee]

If you know the groom or the father of the bride is going to make you look about as funny as a burning child hospice, I'd suggest you go for sincerity. Explain you could never be as funny as them and do some heartfelt bullshit instead.

[Fobbie_Rowler]

It is a horrible job mate..... I did best man for my mate a couple of years ago, make some jokes about how you were going to introduce some of his previous girlfriends but inforunately most of them have been wiped out by swine flu etc, etc. Try to make it topical, things about how he was a tight bastard "before" the recession blah, blah.

 

Put your speech on little photograph size cards so you can zip through them one by one and keep in your pocket.

[halewood pete]

been best man three times over the years and its not enjoyable.all day you are anxious about fucking up the speeches.its great when you have done your bit and can finally sit down and get a drink.only advice i would give is keep it short,throw a few funnies in and dont waffle.

[sh#t waffle]

I'm best man for my brother on Sunday. Small world. Or, rather, a world in which at least one wedding takes place each weekend.

[Mel Wood]

Done it a few times. I was deffo more nervous as a best man about the speeches than when being a groom myself.

 

It's true it's the best audience you could ever have though. First time, I got so slashed up I missed a key paragraph out of a story - didn't realise till I saw the video but everyone still laughed at it. Everyone's had a few bevvys and they're on your side. You could be utter rubbish and still get big laughs because they'll all want you to do well.

Great feeling when you've finished and you get to knob your pick of the bridesmaids though.

 

Writing it yourself, no advice for you on that except that your brother's picked you because he thinks you'll do a good job, so be yourself.

 

Practical advice, your bro/bride's dad might be bricking it about their speeches too, so maybe agree to do them before the meal? Lots of people do that nowadays, and it gets it out the way so at least your heart rate will come down under 150bpm and your arse can contract that little bit earlier.

[rb14]

I'm sure there's a thread on here somewhere where someone, possibly Remmie or RiS, asked for similar advice and got some good suggestions.

Instant rep to anyone who finds the thread.

[Acid]

I was best man to my step dad but completely forgot about the tradition of best mans speech and no one noticed. I only realised a few days later that I probably should have said something... I did however take a bet with my brother who was at the table to stand up and say 'I would like to make a toast but I havent gotten any bread' which I didnt realise would go down as the best mans speech, I was just having a bit of a joke with my brother. He didnt pay me the tenner though...

[TheBitch]

http://www.liverpoolway.co.uk/forum/gf-general-forum/46353-what-makes-good-best-man-speech.html

 

This help?

[TheBitch]

A good one is to bring a brick as a prop and say - the groom was pretty nervous this morning I had to talk him out of the bathroom, where I found this *picks up the brick*

 

Made me laugh anyway. The guy who told it googled best man speeches

 

Class.

[TheBitch]

I wasn't sure how long the best man's speech should last, so I asked around and the general consensus was that it should last as long as the groom lasts in bed... so... that just leaves me to say, you've been a wonderful audience...

 

Love this one.

[Jennings]

Cheers for the help guys.

 

I have done the best man job before...and this is the genuine truth…once I had delivered my speech and I sat down (incidentally to a wall of silence). After a minor ripple of stunted applause had finished, my mate’s dad thought some words of encouragement were in order. He hesitatingly said ”well at least you didn’t feint!”.

 

The only saving grace of my speech was that I hadn’t collapsed while delivering it.

 

I think this has psychologically scarred me.

[Seanleonardart]

Iv never done it, but iv gave a few lines to one of my mates who was and told him to start it off with,

 

Jayzus im nervous..i havn't been this nervous since i did bestman at your last wedding !!

" what, i thought she knew " !! ??

[hamstrung]

"I said to the bride, 'Treasure' - I always call her Treasure, she reminds me of something that's just been dug up"

 

[sh#t waffle]

I've just written a gag that at once makes light of my brother's battle with depression and insinuates that his wife puts out really easily. How do you think that will play out?

[Stouffer]

Just make something up, the bigger the lie the better.

[Jennings]

I've just written a gag that at once makes light of my brother's battle with depression and insinuates that his wife puts out really easily. How do you think that will play out?

 

You lot are clearly braver and funnier than me. I have written a very 'safe' speech. I am not a funny guy. I am not going to start trying to be funny in front of 200 people.

 

I heard someone tell me that they put a joke in their speech and when they delivered it absolutely no one laughed. The orator paused waiting for laughter...but the silence was deafening. He then continued "...but seriously...". Oh the shame!

 

I am sure that will happen to me.

 

...or else I will get heckled by the Bride's incredibly funny 'Uncle Knobhead'.

 

...or else I will actually feint and people will think it is part of the act.

 

...oh fuck this is terrible.

 

...hang on...need the loo.

[sh#t waffle]

You lot are clearly braver and funnier than me. I have written a very 'safe' speech. I am not a funny guy. I am not going to start trying to be funny in front of 200 people.

 

I heard someone tell me that they put a joke in their speech and when they delivered it absolutely no one laughed. The orator paused waiting for laughter...but the silence was deafening. He then continued "...but seriously...". Oh the shame!

 

I am sure that will happen to me.

 

...or else I will get heckled by the Bride's incredibly funny 'Uncle Knobhead'.

 

...or else I will actually feint and people will think it is part of the act.

 

...oh fuck this is terrible.

 

...hang on...need the loo.

 

I did a speech at my Ma and Pa's 40th wedding anniversary last year, and was utterly shitting it. But I think that in such situations, the adage that (in general - your example sounds horrific) it's the easiest crowd you'll ever have is true. Though my Dad is a spectacular mong, so the material was gold.

 

You'll be fine mate.

[Paulie Dangerously]

My uncle opened his with "When I got up this morning, I said to myself "the last thing I need to do is forget my speech" so the last thing I did before I left the house was lose my speech" *pause*

 

No-one laughed. But then the whole wedding was a cliché filled snooze fest. My other uncle has a registry office then a free bar, one man shat himself in the corner, food was flung and he was told to sit down because "no-one wants to hear your fucking speech" it was the best wedding ever

[Paulie Dangerously]

My uncle opened his with "When I got up this morning, I said to myself "the last thing I need to do is forget my speech" so the last thing I did before I left the house was lose my speech" *pause*

 

No-one laughed. But then the whole wedding was a cliché filled snooze fest. My other uncle has a registry office then a free bar, one man shat himself in the corner, food was flung and he was told to sit down because "no-one wants to hear your fucking speech" it was the best wedding ever

[longballs]

I was recently best man for my Brother and I was seriously worried about it. I thought I had found the perfect funny story to tell but since it was a bit naughty I ran it by him first. After he heard it he cancelled the speeches :D

[Jennings]

My uncle opened his with "When I got up this morning, I said to myself "the last thing I need to do is forget my speech" so the last thing I did before I left the house was lose my speech" *pause*

 

No-one laughed. But then the whole wedding was a cliché filled snooze fest. My other uncle has a registry office then a free bar, one man shat himself in the corner, food was flung and he was told to sit down because "no-one wants to hear your fucking speech" it was the best wedding ever

 

Shit that made me laugh...definitely worth posting twice.

[Remmie]

Make sure everyone can hear you. My speech as slightly outragous like a post on here and all the people who would have got it couldn't hear me so get a mate at the back to let you know if you can be heard. Gush about the bride. Have heckling banter prepared (mine was - mate, the world of warcraft meeting is down the road.......jog on Gandalf).

 

Use notes in bullet point format and practice so that you aren't reading the whole time. Oh there are some formalities like thanking the bridesmaids and stuff like that, I forget now.

 

I'll try and dig mine out, it had a power ranger quote in it, it was awesome.