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After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me. 
 

She said “you may not feel anything from the waist down”. 
 

“Fair enough” I replied, and felt her tits. 

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'...I took my son out for his first pint.

 

Got him a Fosters. He didn't like it, so I drank it

 

Then I got him Carlsberg. He didn't like it, so I had it.

 

It was the same with bot Guinness and Cider.

 

By the time we got onto whisky, I could hardly push the pram.'

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18 hours ago, Alan Sex said:

After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me. 
 

She said “you may not feel anything from the waist down”. 
 

“Fair enough” I replied, and felt her tits. 

Somehow I can see that actually happening.

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One for TK:

 

My new girlfriend and I were travelling to meet my parents, when she got a flat tyre I called my mum and said 'Sorry, we're going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture'.
'Oh, for fucks sake', she replied, 'I thought you had a real one this time'.

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Beyonce is a huge fan of women's tennis. She's been at Wimbledon watching all the ladies singles, all the ladies singles...

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Bloody Cats Protection League... what a scam!

I've been paying £5 a month for nearly two years and what happened when I got mugged yesterday? Not one of the little fuckers came to help.

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DEAR NEIGHBOUR:

Hi, Morris .

This is Saul, next door. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. When you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently. I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you.- Saul.

 

Morris, feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shot Saul dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Morris then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Saul.

 

SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:

Hi, Morris. Saul here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed "Wi-Fi" to "wife".

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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My nan rang me yesterday to tell me that she had lost some of her Agatha Christie books about the amateur female detective. This morning she called to say that the DVD box set of the series based on the books had gone missing.

I think she's loosing her marples.

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