Joke!

[Alan Sex]

[YOUTUBE]aWK8-IoMdps[/YOUTUBE]

[halewood pete]

One day,a long time ago in a land far,far away,there lived a woman who did not nag,whine or bitch.....

 

But it was just one day...and a fucking long time ago !

[betterman]

A young lady and her boyfriend are in bed about to have sex when she notices there are only 5 condoms left in a new box she bought for him last week. She asks what happened to the other 7, the boyfriend replies "well I masturbated with them on not to make a mess."

She says "oh you didn't want to make a mess, OK".

 

The next day she is at lunch with a male co-worker and tells him the story of the condoms and asks if he ever did that?

The co-worker replies "yes", she says "I didn't realize men masturbated with condoms on." The co-worker replies "No, I never masturbated with a condom on, I thought you were talking about lying to my girlfriend."

[Melchett]

I recently split up with my long-term girlfriend due to "obsession" issues. She's been crying and begging to me ever since. Even today she was asking "Please dear! Can't we work something out?!"

 

Typical. Next she'll be asking me to loosen the shackles on her wrists.

[Melchett]

Some days make you wonder if you've made bad choices in your life….. especially those days when the government shows up and digs up your back yard.

[Melchett]

Me and my wife achieved simultaneous orgasms last night.

 

Unfortunately she was in bed with her lover and I was hiding in the wardrobe.

[Melchett]

I tried anal sex this weekend with my bird. But I think I'm doing it wrong. No matter how hard I pushed I couldn't get my whole arse into her vagina.

[ReddOrDedd]

Why did Mr Spock piss on Uhura's tits?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Because William Shatner.

[Trumo]

Fresh from the Melchett mind-swap:

 

 

My girlfriend comes into the room looking all flustered.

 

I said to her, "You need to sit down and take a load off."

She replied, "FUCK OFF!! The bukkake was your idea!"

 

 

And we're back.

:|

[Trumo]

An Amish family goes to the city for the first time. Mother goes to look at some clothes shops, so father and son go for a wonder. They are in a shopping mall when they see a bunch of lights on a metal wall. The metal wall then opens and an old woman gets in. They close again, and the lights above start flashing again. The two Amish are mesmerised, even more so when a moment later, the metal wall opens again and out steps a beautiful young woman. The father, amazed by the magic in front of him, turns to his son and says,

"Quick son, go fetch your ma."

 

:P

[halewood pete]

i found out recently that my gran made a porno film.

I dont know what disgusted me more,the fact she made it or the

fact that i carried on wanking after i recognised her.

[Diddyman]

Why did the Mexican push his wife over the cliff?

 

Tequilaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

[Diddyman]

A man and his wife are in a foreign airport trying to smuggle a couple of animals through customs and it looks like they are about to be pulled from the line and questioned.

 

The man says "Quick, pass me the snake, I can tie it round my waist and it will look like a belt"

 

"OK" She replies. "But what should I do with the skunk?"

 

The man says "Your gonna have to shove it up your pussy!"

 

"But what about the smell!!!" She excaims.

 

"Well if it dies, it dies".....................

[ReddOrDedd]

Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight year olds?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Because there's twenty of them.

 

 

 

 

 

(Fuck me, that's some beard on that one, eh?)

[ReddOrDedd]

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a wigwam and a teepee.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You're two tents.

[halewood pete]

David blaine has just had his record of lying in a box for 42 days doing fuck all broken by

Jade Goody.

[MokTheAfflicted]

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

 

'I vish to buy sex viz you.'

 

'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge $50 an hour.'

 

'..ist gut, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'

 

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

 

'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'

 

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.

 

'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'

 

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

 

'You vill please to blow zis kvacker as I make love to you.'

 

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,

 

'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'

'Ah,' says the German . . .'zat is ze...

 

Four-sprung Duck technique

 

 

 

------------------------

 

 

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and promptly began to apologise.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, still lying in the foetal position clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to his side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She then administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,

'How does that feel'?

‘Feels great‘, he replied, ‘but I still think my thumb's broken’

[ReddOrDedd]

What do you call a Spaniard leaving a hospital?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Manuel.

[Guest The Big Green Bastard]

How do you make a six-year-old girl cry twice?

Fuck her in the ass, then wipe your dick on her teddy bear.

 

 

Man walking through the woods at night with a little boy.

BOY: "These woods sure are scary!"

MAN: "Dunno what you're complaining about-I have to walk home alone..."

 

What did the iraqi woman say to her husband? 'does my bomb look big in this'

 

Two pedophiles are walking down the street. One turns to the other and says "I'll swap you two fives for a ten."

 

Two pedophiles are lying on the beach. One turns to the other and says "Excuse me sir, but you're lying in my son."

 

a guy gets on an lift and asks a the lady next to him, " can i smell your vagina?"

the lady looks at the guy with a disgusted look and says," NO!! "

the guys says," then it must your feet"

[Seanleonardart]

A friend of mine asked me " do ya wanna use my ice-rink for just 10p"??

 

I thought " whata cheap skate " !!

[Guest simon]

How do you make a six-year-old girl cry twice?

Fuck her in the ass, then wipe your dick on her teddy bear.

 

 

Man walking through the woods at night with a little boy.

BOY: "These woods sure are scary!"

MAN: "Dunno what you're complaining about-I have to walk home alone..."

 

What did the iraqi woman say to her husband? 'does my bomb look big in this'

 

Two pedophiles are walking down the street. One turns to the other and says "I'll swap you two fives for a ten."

 

Two pedophiles are lying on the beach. One turns to the other and says "Excuse me sir, but you're lying in my son."

 

a guy gets on an lift and asks a the lady next to him, " can i smell your vagina?"

the lady looks at the guy with a disgusted look and says," NO!! "

the guys says," then it must your feet"

 

Crossing the line by a mile there fella jeez.

[Seanleonardart]

Did you hear the blackmail rumors about Michael Jackson?? Apparently he used to be one...

[MokTheAfflicted]

Got home last night and found the cat dead in the washing machine. I was gutted but at least she died in Comfort.

[MokTheAfflicted]

A mate of mine told me he was shagging twins. I asked him how he could tell the difference and he said her brother had a moustache

[ReddOrDedd]

Oldie but goldie:

 

 

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Put it in the microwave till its bill withers.