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I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with.

 

She said yes, the others were nines and tens.

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There was this really annoying bloke outside my house last night who kept shouting, 


"Army Barracks!........ Army Barracks!........ Army Barracks!........ "


It's at this point I should mention that I'd just kicked him in the goolies........ and that he was Chinese.

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There was a team of rappers at our local pub quiz last night. They lost by one point.

Last question was a five-parter on animal dwellings.

Had to name the homes of a badger, a bird, a fox, a rabbit and a squirrel

They got sett, nest, den and warren, but they forgot about drey...

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2 hours ago, Clem H Fandango said:

There was a team of rappers at our local pub quiz last night. They lost by one point.

Last question was a five-parter on animal dwellings.

Had to name the homes of a badger, a bird, a fox, a rabbit and a squirrel

They got sett, nest, den and warren, but they forgot about drey...

I dont understand this one.

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On 08/03/2009 at 18:46, ReddOrDedd said:

Bloke is walking through a graveyard and sees another bloke crouched down beside a grave.

 

"Morning," goes the first bloke.

 

"No, shitting," replies the second bloke.

Hahahaha 

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Teacher: "Can anybody tell me a sentence with the word 'contagious' in it?"

Little Jodie: "My sister got chicken pox and the doctor said it was contagious."
Little Susie: "This coronavirus is very contagious."
Little Johnny: "My dad was watching our neighbour cut his lawn with a pair of scissors. He said it will take the contagious."

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I was walking down the high street earlier and a homeless man walks up to me with a trainer in his hand. 

 

"Excuse me mate! Do you want to buy this size 13 Nike trainer?" 

 

I told him to fuck off and sell his biggish shoe to someone else. 

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I was walking down the high street yesterday when I saw this scruffy bloke playing the guitar and singing:

 

'When I was young, seemed like life was so wonderful, a miracle, it was beautiful, magical..."

 

I said 'That's Supertramp'

 

He said, 'Ah thanks very much, I've been practicing for ages'.

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I was chatting to a girl in the pub and she said "Let's go outside and I'll show you a good time".

 

So we went out and she did 100 metres in 10.6 seconds.

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I was having a shit in the train toilet today, when some bloke knocked on the door. 

 

He said. "Can I see your ticket please?"

 

"Not right now." I shouted , " I'm having a shit"

 

He said " I don't believe you, can you pass it under the door?"

 

"No problem," I said, sliding it under. "The yellow bits are sweetcorn."

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On 17/11/2021 at 00:42, AngryOfTuebrook said:

I bought a Jehovah's Witness Advent calendar, but every time I open a door someone tells me to fuck off.

Love it. Can't tell it in the office though as the lady that sits at the next desk is a joho.

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