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Every time I stand up too quickly, I see Goofy, Donal Duck and Mickey Mouse.

 

Doctor reckons I'm suffering from Disney spells!

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22 minutes ago, Lario said:

Every time I stand up too quickly, I see Goofy, Donal Duck and Mickey Mouse.

 

Doctor reckons I'm suffering from Disney spells!

Two Scottish drunks,Jock and Walter. Jock likes whisky but Walt dis nay.

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A Polish man walks into specsavers for an eye test.

 

The optician shows him the test card, and on it says:

 

"C Z W J X N Y S A C Z"

 

The optician then asks him "Can you read that?"

 

The Polish man says "Read it? I know the cunt!"

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The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.

In the window he sees a record called "Wasps of the world, and the sounds they make".
 Intrigued, he walks into the store.
He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, and I can identify any one of them just by listening to the sound it makes!"

He smiles smugly as the shopkeeper fanes interest.
 The wasp expert pays and leaves. When he gets home he puts the record on.

"Bbzzzzzzzzz" it goes, but the man is stumped, he doesn't know what type of wasp this is! He waits for the next track.

"Bbbbzzzzzzzzzzzz" and again, he can't identify which species of wasp this is!

It gets to the fifth track and he breaks down in tears. He can't identify a single wasp yet he thought he was the world's leading expert! He calls his old professor round to the house to help, when he arrives he explains to him,

"I thought I was the best in the wasp business, but I can't identify a single wasp on this whole record!" He says, still in tears.

The old professor ponders for a minute as he looks at the record.

"Ah, I know what the problem is"

Says the professor.

"What? what is it?!"

-"you've got it on the B-side"

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5 hours ago, Alan Sex said:

The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.

In the window he sees a record called "Wasps of the world, and the sounds they make".
 Intrigued, he walks into the store.
He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, and I can identify any one of them just by listening to the sound it makes!"

He smiles smugly as the shopkeeper fanes interest.
 The wasp expert pays and leaves. When he gets home he puts the record on.

"Bbzzzzzzzzz" it goes, but the man is stumped, he doesn't know what type of wasp this is! He waits for the next track.

"Bbbbzzzzzzzzzzzz" and again, he can't identify which species of wasp this is!

It gets to the fifth track and he breaks down in tears. He can't identify a single wasp yet he thought he was the world's leading expert! He calls his old professor round to the house to help, when he arrives he explains to him,

"I thought I was the best in the wasp business, but I can't identify a single wasp on this whole record!" He says, still in tears.

The old professor ponders for a minute as he looks at the record.

"Ah, I know what the problem is"

Says the professor.

"What? what is it?!"

-"you've got it on the B-side"

Superb.

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Russian Jew named Jacob was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel.

At the Moscow airport, a customs inspector found a statue of Lenin in his luggage. "What is this?"

Jacob replied, "Wrong question, comrade. You should have asked 'Who is this?' This is Comrade Lenin.

He laid the foundations of Socialism and created the future prosperity of the Russian people.

I am taking it with me as a memory of our dear hero."

The Russian customs official sent him on his way.

At Tel Aviv airport, the Israeli customs official also asked "What is this?"

"Wrong question, sir. You should be asking 'Who is this?'

This, my friend, is Lenin, the bastard who caused me, a Jew, to leave Russia.

I take this statue as a reminder to curse him every day."

The Israeli official sent him on his way.

When he settled in his new home, Jacob placed the statue on a table.

The following evening, he invited friends and relatives to dinner.

Spotting the statue, one of his cousins asked, "Who is this?"

Jacob replied, "Wrong question. You should have asked 'What is this?'

This is five kilograms of solid gold that I managed to bring with me without having to pay any customs duty or tax."

The Moral:

"Politics is when you can tell the same shit in different ways to fool different people and come out smelling like a rose!

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A scouser is out walking in Wales when he passes a local farm and stops to talk to a local. 

 

Scouser : "That your dog?"

Welshy : "Aye"

Scouser : "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshy : "Dog doesn't talk.”

Scouser : Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshy : (look of shock)

Scouser : Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshy)

Dog: "Yep."

Scouser : How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."

Welshy : (Look of total disbelief!)

Scouser : "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Welshy : "Horse doesn't talk.”

Scouser : "Hey horse how's it going?"

Horse : "Cool."

Welshy : (Extreme look of shock!)

Scouser : "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welshy)

Horse: "Yep."

Scouser : "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather."

Welshy : (Look of total amazement!)

Scouser : "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Welshy : "That sheep's a fucking liar!!”

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A king suspected that his queen was being unfaithful


So he secretly taped a tiny razor blade to her vagina.

 

Three days later, he ordered his knights to drop their pants.

 

They all had bandaged penises, except for one.

 

The king said to him, "I always knew you were my most loyal knight!"

 

He replied, "It wath nothing, your magethy"

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A 3 month pregnant woman Is involved in a road accident and falls into a deep coma.

 

6 months later she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

 

Doctor: Don't worry. You had twins, a boy and a girl and your brother named them for you.

 

Woman:  Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name them?

 

Doctor: The girl he has named as Denise

 

Woman: Wow , That's not too bad at all .  What about the boy?

 

Doctor: Denephew

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