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32 minutes ago, alles ist gut said:


I dunno, what goes woof woof meow?

A cow that's good at impressions. 

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59 minutes ago, dylstar said:

 

Fucking massively old gag...and I was gonna neg, until I read the comments. Redemption mate.

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An old lady brought her bus driver peanuts every day. After a while the bus driver got a bit sick of eating peanuts and said 'You don't have to bring me peanuts love, eat them yourself' to which the old lady answered, ´'I have no teeth love, I just prefer to suck the chocolate from around them.' 

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Today at the supermarket I saw a young couple snatch toilet roll from a pensioner in a supermarket. I was so outraged I intervened and gave the old lady one of the 19 packets from my trolley!

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On 15/03/2020 at 09:16, Pistonbroke said:

An old lady brought her bus driver peanuts every day. After a while the bus driver got a bit sick of eating peanuts and said 'You don't have to bring me peanuts love, eat them yourself' to which the old lady answered, ´'I have no teeth love, I just prefer to suck the chocolate from around them.' 

Haha. 

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On 15/03/2020 at 07:15, Philtrum said:

If you are here for the yodelling lessons, please form an orderly orderly orderly queue. 

Hahaha 

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Teacher: "Billy, if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1, how many birds are left?"

 

Billy: "None the others will fly away"

 

Teacher: "The answer is 4 but i like the way you think"

 

Billy: " I have a question for you Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream, 1 licking , 1 biting and 1 sucking. Which one is married?"

 

Teacher nervously answers "The one sucking"

 

Billy: "The answer is the one with the wedding ring on but i like the way you think"

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Are my testicles black? .........

 

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely: "Are - my - test - results - back?"

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1 hour ago, dylstar said:

Are my testicles black? .........

 

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely: "Are - my - test - results - back?"

Haha, I'll be pinching that tomorrow. 

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The only way for the parents of an 8 year old boy to pull off a lockdown afternoon quickie while he was still in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.

 

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into action.


"There's a car being towed from the car park!"


"An ambulance just drove by!"


"Looks like the Andersons have company!"


"Matt's out on his bike and his mum is telling him off!"


"Looks as if the Sanders are going into full isolation!"


"Jason has had his skateboard taken off him!"


After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!"


Startled, his mum and dad shot out of bed. His dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they're having sex?"


"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars bar!"

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7 minutes ago, redheart said:

Why not he stole it from and adapted it from 1987

Someone just sent me one from years ago, adapted, I'm getting bombarded too with same videos, think I need to fuck WhatsApp at this rate, 

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