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Asked a girl at the gym earlier what her New Years resolution was, and she replied. "Fuck you"

 

So as you can imagine, I'm really looking forward to 2020. 

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Got some sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after 1 minor indiscretion. He slept with 1 of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training&money. A genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant vet

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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00 His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about.”
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house. The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

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Terrible news from my mate and his new wife on honeymoon in Croatia. He’s just sent a message saying that tomorrow they’re going to split.

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A boy gets a job at the zoo. On his first shift, his manager asks him to feed the fish and clean out their aquariums. After many hours scrubbing away at the dirty tanks, the boy gives the fish the wrong type of food, and they all float to the surface dead. As the boy doesn't want to loose this new job, he scoops the fish out, and puts them in a wheelbarrow. Having frantically searched for a hiding place for the fish, he decides to try feeding them to the zoo's only lion. As expected, the lion at them all up and the boy's job was safe. The next week, the manager asks the boy to clean and feed the chimp enclosures. Unfortunately the same accident befalls the chimps as the fish had, and again, the boy wheelbarrows them to the zoo's lion and feeds it the chimps, and as before all evidence was eaten by the lion. The next day the manager asks the boy to smoke out the bees and collect their honey. The boy does this, but over smokes the bees and they all die from suffocation. The boy collects them in his wheelbarrow and mushes them down to a paste to feed to the lion. After a while the manager cant figure out where all his animals are going, so buys a new lion to compensate for the losses. After the new lion has arrived, he strolls up to the older lion, and introduces him self. "what's the food like around this place then?" he asks. The old lion replies "not too bad, last week I had Fish, Chimps and mushy Bees!"
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The gas man knocked at a door, young lad about 14 answered in suzzys, wig, basque, full make-up glass of brandy and a spliff like a Cornetto.

Gas man says, 'hiya mate, is your mam or dad in?'

Kid replies, 'what do you fuckin think?!'

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Al's joke on fb - 

Just hired a limousine for the weekend.  Paid £500, turns out I just get the car and no driver.

 

All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.

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So I’ve started stealing booze from my local off licence. Not all the time and only since I started to take my doctors advice of having a couple of alcohol free days. 

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