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Kid had me hook line and sinker in school today 

"Knock knock"

"Who's there?"

"Smellyerp"

"Smellyerp-who?"

"Why do you want to smell my poo?"

 

Couldn't even put him on the golden ladder it was that good 

 

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On 09/05/2019 at 22:32, Paulie Dangerously said:

Kid had me hook line and sinker in school today 

"Knock knock"

"Who's there?"

"Smellyerp"

"Smellyerp-who?"

"Why do you want to smell my poo?"

 

Couldn't even put him on the golden ladder it was that good 

 

The Golden Ladder?

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An old couple are sitting at the table having breakfast when the wife says, "I reckon my boobs are just as hot as they were 50 years ago."

 

The husband, still reading his paper, replies with, "Well of course, dear. One of them is resting in your porridge and the other is in your tea."

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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

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On 08/06/2019 at 07:35, lifetime fan said:

You hear about the squirrel that ate a bar of laxative chocolate? 

 

Came out a treat!

A hazel-nut in every bite ?

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3 minutes ago, Pistonbroke said:

I'm thinking of building a house out of tyres, it will probably take me a good year!

Get Michel in, he'll fire stone at the problem and have it all dun lop in no time.

 

(Sorry, I feel dirty now)

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9 minutes ago, Mudface said:

Get Michel in, he'll fire stone at the problem and have it all dun lop in no time.

 

(Sorry, I feel dirty now)

 

Dirty and Tyred, have a nap lad. 

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Sister Mary entered the Monastery of Silence.
The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.'
Sister Mary lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words.'
Sister Mary said, 'Hard bed.'
I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'
After another 5 years, Sister Mary was called by the Priest. 'You may say another two words, Sister Mary.
'Cold food,' said Sister Mary, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary into his office. 'You may say two words today.'
'I quit,' said Sister Mary.
'It's probably best', said the Priest, 'You've done Nothing but fucking moan since you've been here.'

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On 08/06/2019 at 07:35, lifetime fan said:

You hear about the squirrel that ate a bar of laxative chocolate? 

 

Came out a treat!

 

On 19/06/2019 at 12:11, magicrat said:

A hazel-nut in every bite ?

Don’t be changing the Topic

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For our silver wedding anniversary I got a map of the world, gave my beautiful wife a dart and said we will go wherever the dart lands. I'm happy to announce that in August we will be spending a lovely 2 weeks by the fucking skirting board.

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