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A young daughter is at home when her father calls. The daughter picks up.

"Hello?"

"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

A brief pause. "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Mommy says I do! He's with Mommy in the room, right now."

Another brief pause. "Uh, alright, here's what Daddy wants you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Okay, I've done it, Daddy."

"And what happened, honey?"

"Mommy got all scared and jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she's not moving at all."

"Oh my god!!! What about the Uncle Paul?!"

"Uncle Paul jumped out of bed with no clothes on too! He got all scared and jumped out the window into the swimming pool. But I think he doesn't know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and now he isn't moving too."

A long pause this time. "Swimming pool...? Is this 555-5731?"

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2 minutes ago, AngryofTuebrook said:

I was going to post a joke about time travel, but you lot didn't like it. 

hahahahaha 

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I received an accidental text today: 'I'l be home soon, love ya, Dave xxx'

 

Being Valentines weekend I thought I'd text the bloke back: 'Don't bother, I don't love you, you're a twat & I've been shagging your brother!'

 

I couldn't wait for the reply, but then it came.....

 

'WTF mum???'

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On 10/31/2010 at 11:24 AM, halewood pete said:

Take That have announced they are playing at Anfield next year on their tour.

I have got a tenner on them to win

Prescient!

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On 2/14/2019 at 1:52 PM, Hank Moody said:

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

 

To get to the other side.

 

 

I find that very offensive. 

 

In fact, Hank, did you feed the dog and get the coal in?  Mary’s coming over for dinner and I’ve got to do the shopping before Woolworths closes. 

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Article in the Grauniad today about male decor by a guy called Kevin McKenna and I thought this bit was worth posting on here.

 

 Tam is a veteran of the building trade and on being asked in a wine bar by a lady he was squiring to order her a margarita he told her that they could have a pizza later.

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Nazi henchman: Sir, we are mining too many useless ores. 
Hitler: So mine less. 
Grammar Nazi: MINE FEWER.
Hitler (looking up): Yes? 

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Ralph comes home pissed one night, stumbles upstairs, slides into bed beside his sleeping wife and falls into a deep slumber. He wakes up standing at the pearly gates before St Peter.

 

"You died in your sleep, Ralph," St Peter explains.

"What?! No this can’t be!" Ralph cries. "I've so much to live for...please send me back."

St Peter explains that the only way Ralph is allowed back is in the form of a chicken. Devastated but desperate to see his family again, Ralph asks to be sent to a small farm near his house.

The next thing Ralph knows, he's covered in feathers, clucking and pecking around in the dirt on a warm summer's morning.

A rooster strolls past and says, "So you're the new hen? Hows your first day?"

 

Ralph the hen replies, "It’s not bad really, but I have this uncomfortable feeling in my stomach, like I’m gonna explode."

"You're ovulating," explains the rooster. "Have you never laid an egg before?"

 

"Never," replies Ralph.

 

"Just relax and let it happen, there’s nothing to be afraid of," the rooster says reassuringly.

Ralph steadies himself and tries to relax and a few uncomfortable moments later, out pops his first egg. Ralph is overcome with relief and emotion at the feeling of becoming a mother. He soon lays a second egg. He is overjoyed.

Just as he readies himself to lay his third egg, he feels a sharp slap on the back of his head and hears his wife screaming, "Ralph you dirty bastard! Wake up, you've shit the bed again!"

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I was driving down the road and the Police pulled me over.  A copper came up to my window and said

"Could you blow into this bag, please."

 

I said "why?"

 

He said "My chips are too hot."

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I got another letter from the mortgage company today. It said “Final Notice”. I thought good they won't be bothering me anymore. 

 

My girlfriend's dog died. So I got her an identical one. She was livid: ‘What I'm going to do with two dead dogs?’” she cried

 

I got my girlfriend a “Get better soon” card. She’s not ill or anything, but she could definitely get better.

 

I Googled "how to start a wildfire". I got 48,500 matches.

 

My cousin, a magician, decided to incorporate the use of trapdoors in his shows. But I think it’s just a stage he’s going through.

 

Never date cross eyed people. They might be seeing somebody on the side!

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