Joke!

[ISeeRed]

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm "I'd like to buy a horth"

He says to the owner of the farm.

"What sort of horse?" said the owner.

"A female horth" the dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a mare.

"Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"

So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.

"Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?"

Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.

"Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.

By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the

dwarf to show him the horses ears.

"Nithe eerth.' he says 'Now...can I see her twot?"

With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and

shoves his head deep inside the horses vagina.

He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out

and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that...

"Can I see her wun awound?""

[Lupin]

Ive heard it before but using someone called bill instead of dave... anyway, what was the point of the first bit about going out?

 

In it's first incarnation, it was 'and I to the ground was smote, as a commoner to my rear spake 'Lo - for whom is the man that standeth in twain with David? For whomsoever he is standeth with me in the Eyes of the Lord'.

[Melchett]

I went to an STD clinic the other day and all the girls in the waiting room looked filthy!I thought to myself, "I wish my girlfriend was as dirty as some of these girls".Then I remembered, she was, and that's why I was here.

[MAC5]

Posted this in another thread, should of gone in here really.

 

Every time I see a girl crossing the road, I want to run her over.

 

Every time I see a man walking home from work, I want to push him to the ground.

 

Every time I see a foreigner on the tube, I want to shoot them in the face.

 

And that’s why I joined the police force.

[Melchett]

It's my 21st birthday today and I'm hoping that I'll be given the key to the door.....

 

I've been stuck down in this cellar since I was 6.

[Melchett]

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

[Melchett]

My teenage daughter has just told me she is pregnant, even though she took precautions.

 

I took precautions too. I swapped her birth control pills with Rohypnol.

[halewood pete]

RECESSION BEATER:wife says to her husband,"if you cycle to work we could get rid of the 2nd car"

Husband replies "if you would take it up the arse,we could get rid of the nanny".

[AL66GOLF]

Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.

 

Mick says 'how you doin?'

 

Paddy says ' do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.'

 

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed .

 

He says 'your dad's sent me up here to shag the both of you '.

 

They say 'get away with ya.. prove it.'

 

Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'

 

Paddy shouts back 'of course both of em, what's the point of f*****n one?'

[Da Bitch]

A woman goes on vacation to Jamaica.

 

Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love-making

 

 

she asks him "What is your name?" "I can't tell you," the black man says.

Every night they meet, and every night she asks him again what his name is,

 

 

and he always responds the same, he can't tell her..

 

On her last night there she asks again ,

 

 

"Can you please tell me your name?"

"I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me,"

 

 

says the black man.

"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the woman says.

 

"Fine, my name is Snow!" the black man replies.

The woman bursts into laughter. The black man gets mad and says,

 

 

"I knew you would make fun of it." The woman replies,

 

"I'm not making fun of your name. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of snow every day in Jamaica."

[Ronnie]

Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.

 

Mick says 'how you doin?'

 

Paddy says ' do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.'

 

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed .

 

He says 'your dad's sent me up here to shag the both of you '.

 

They say 'get away with ya.. prove it.'

 

Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'

 

Paddy shouts back 'of course both of em, what's the point of f*****n one?'

 

Ace! (6) :drool:

[Joe Le Taxi]

Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.

 

Mick says 'how you doin?'

 

Paddy says ' do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.'

 

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed .

 

He says 'your dad's sent me up here to shag the both of you '.

 

They say 'get away with ya.. prove it.'

 

Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'

 

Paddy shouts back 'of course both of em, what's the point of f*****n one?'

 

Class.

[melons]

dont know if its been posted cnt be arsed trying to look back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I found out recently that my nan made a porno film.

 

 

 

I dont know what disgusted me more, the fact she made it, or the fact i carried on wanking after i recognised her.

[HATCH]

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name. Panadol is Paracetamol, Amoxil is Amoxicillin, Nurofen is Ibuprofen, and so on. The federal drug administration has been lookin for a generic name for viagra, and announced that it's not sure which one to choose out of :

 

 

1. Mycoxafloppin

2. Mycoxafailin

3. Mydixadrupin

4. Mydixarisin

5. Mydixadud

6. Dixafix

 

and of course,

7. Ibepokin

[manwiththestick]

Face - has it fallen on one side?

 

Arms - can they raise both arms and keep them there?

 

Speech - is their speech slurred? if so...................................................................................................................... .....................................................

 

Time - to get her knickers off cos the rohypnol has taken effect.

[halewood pete]

wife came in before and said she was too scared to get petrol for the car.You daft get said i,you get swine flu from mexico,not texaco !

[halewood pete]

Do you get bored on your way to work on the bus or train ?

Pretend your on the phone to someone and talk about the great 4 weeks you have just had in mexico.

Hang up,then start sneezing.

[halewood pete]

Sex has gone a bit downhill lately,so the wife has bought a dildo.She said its shapped just like a carrot,which is quite ironic really because her fanny looks like a fucking donkey yawning.

[Melchett]

My wife said she expected me to treat her for her birthday.

So I did.

The house fucking stinks of creosote now.

[Melchett]

The first time I went down on a Ginger women I took her knickers off and it looked like a forest fire with a Post Office van coming out of it!

[Melchett]

GENTLEMEN - It's time for your annual "Am I gay?" self examination.

 

1) If you are over thirty five and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't knocked back enough beer with the lads and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

 

2) If you suck on lollipops, baby dummies or any such nonsense, rest assured you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on barbecued chicken wings, raw oysters, pickled pigs feet, or boobs. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a gay.

 

3) If you refuse to shit in a public toilet or piss in a car park, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defaecates and urinates where he pleases.

 

4) If you drink decaf coffee with skimmed milk, you like a hard one up your arse. Coffee is meant to be strong and black. Straight men never order decaf lattees and he never knows what artificial sweeteners taste like. If you've had Sweetex in your mouth you've had a man there too.

 

5) If you drive with both hands on the wheel, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at slow drivers and to cut them off. The rest of the time he needs the hand to change a radio station, hold his beer or finger his girlfriend in the passenger seat.

 

6) If you know the difference between a Purple Hooter and a Bloody Mexican you might as well be handing out free tickets to your arse. A real man doesn't have space in his brain to remember all that crap - for him there is only one drink - BEER.

[Alan Sex]

[halewood pete]

what goes clip,clop,clip,clip,clip clop, bang! bang! clip,clop,clip,clop ?

 

an amish drive by shooting.

[Melchett]

First we have bird flu and have to kill of all the birds.

 

The we have swine flu and have to kill all the pigs.

 

Come on god......... Please give us Richard Madely flu!!

[Ezekiel 25:17]

First we have bird flu and have to kill of all the birds.

 

The we have swine flu and have to kill all the pigs.

 

Come on god......... Please give us Richard Madely flu!!

 

Melchett, I can safely say that you are running Hermes for the mantle of worst joke telling forumite closer than he has ever been run.