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A woman goes to her Gynaecologist.

 

"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doctor.

 

"Something is terribly wrong. I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."

 

The doctor has a look, chuckles and says, "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas."

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Kids are so ungrateful these days.

 

I got my 11 year old nephew a trampoline for his birthday, and instead of thanking me, the little cunt just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

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A passenger plane lands at Glasgow airport, and after coming to a halt, the captain does his customary speech but forgets to switch the intercom off.

 

The co-pilot asks the captain what he has got planned for the rest of the evening, and the captain replies, "First up, I am going for a shite, and then I am gonnae ride the arse off that new wee stewardess," unaware every passenger has just heard him.

 

The wee stewardess is mortified and starts to run up to the cockpit to confront him, but trips and falls right before the cockpit door.

 

A wee Glasgow woman helps her up and says, "Take yer time love, he's going fur a shite first."

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"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

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The man who invented Strepsils died earlier this week.

 

His family have decided to depart from the traditional funeral and he'll be buried straight into the ground.

 

A family member said "there'll definitely be no coffin at his funeral."

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My wife came home from work last night to find me sitting watching the football on the telly.

"I've decided I'm leaving you, all you do is talk about football you think about nothing else," she said.

"I'm also seeing someone else truth be told."

"Really?" I replied. "What team does he support?"

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As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I slid my finger back out and within seconds, she was going down on me. I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

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Met my mate the other night, told me he had got a new Red Indian wife.

 

"Whats her name?" I asked

"4 horses" He replied

"wow, thats fucking great, what an incredible name, what does it mean?"

"nag nag nag nag"

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A husband and wife loved to play golf together but were not satisfied with their game, so they decided to take private lessons. The husband had his lesson first.

 

After the pro saw him swing, he said, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"

"Well, what should I do?" asks the husband.

"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

 

The husband took his advice, had a swing, and hit the ball 250 yards straight down the fairway.

 

The husband went back to his wife with the good news, and the wife couldn't wait for her lesson.The next day the wife went for her lesson.

 

The pro watched her swing and said, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."

"What can I do?" asked the wife.

 

"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."

 

The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing and sent the ball straight down the fairway...about 15 feet.

 

"That was great," said the pro. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to!"

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A fella buys a scouse parrot but gets sick of it saying'i'm from Liverpool and I am hard as fuck',so he puts a kestrel in his cage.

The next morning he comes down and finds the kestrel dead, and the parrot says 'I'm from Liverpool and I am hard as fuck'

So the fella puts a golden eagle in the cage.

The next morning he comes down and the golden eagle is dead and the parrot has no feathers. As he looks in the cage the parrot says 'Had to take me coat off for that fucker'

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Two interesting facts about me:

1.My knob is as long as two Argos pens

2.I am banned from entering all Argos stores

 

Not surprised as they're all touch screens now 

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OK,if it works better for you let's change the venue to William hill

 

True

 

By the way I know 2 blokes called William Hill.  What are the odds ?

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I asked my wife to pleasure me with her keyring. She's just fobbing me off.

That’s like the choirboy who got his knob tangled up with the bell rope. The priest came in and tolled him off

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Paddy was on his death bed and knew the end was near.

His wife,his daughter and two sons and his nurse are with him at his home in Belfast.

He asks for two independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his final wishes.

When all is set up and ready he begins to speak.

"My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra"

"Bridget,my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the upper lisburn road"

"My daughter Geraldine, you take the apartments over on Malone road"

"My son,Patrick junior,I want you to take the offices in the city centre."

 

The nurse and witnesses are blown away.They did not realise the extent of paddy's wealth.

As he slips away,the nurse says to his wife,"Mrs O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences,your husband must have been such a hard working and wonderful man to have accumulated all that property "...

 

" Property? "His wife replies.

" The fucker had a window cleaning round".

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A man with a winking problem applies for a job at a large advertising company.

 

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry...we can't hire you."

 

"But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

 

"Really? Great! Show me!"

 

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," says the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

 

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

 

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

 

"Oh, that," he sighs. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy winking, and asked for aspirin?"

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Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens....... "That's so clever!" the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" "Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis".

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