Joke!

[Alan Sex]

I saw a girl busking today. She had a great voice, and an even better pair of legs, emphasised by the short skirt she was wearing.

"Any requests?" She asked the watching crowd.

"Your thong," I replied with a wink.

Everyone gasped in horror, and the girl slapped me.

It's tough being an Elton John fan with a lisp.

[SammyAftershave]

[Alan Sex]

Big joke, that!

[AngryOfTuebrook]

Charles Dickens's ‘A Tale Of Two Cities’ was first serialised in two local newspapers.

It was the Bicester Times; it was The Worcester Times.

[Numero Veinticinco]

Charles Dickens's ‘A Tale Of Two Cities’ was first serialised in two local newspapers.

It was the Bicester Times; it was The Worcester Times.

Hahaha.

[magicrat]

 

Charles Dickens's ‘A Tale Of Two Cities’ was first serialised in two local newspapers.

It was the Bicester Times; it was The Worcester Times.

 

 

Victorian author based humour. Top stuff

[Alan Sex]

A farmer is worried that his sex life with his wife is getting a bit dry

 

They go to see a therapist, who asks them what they think the problem is. The wife says, "I just don't have time for it, I'm too busy cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry and everything else. Sex is starting to lose its appeal".

 

The farmer is disheartened to hear this, but listens to the therapist, who tells him, "You need to change things up a bit. You'll just have to do something sexy to attract her."

 

The next morning, the wife is in the house, ironing some clothes, when she hears strange sounds from outside. She runs out of the kitchen and into the front yard, and sees her husband completely naked thrusting his dick in and out of tractor's exhaust pipe. "What on Earth are you doing?" she shouts.

 

The farmer looks up at her. "Well the therapist said to do something sexy to a tractor."

[A Red]

A friend of mine always dreamed of being run over by a steam train, when it finally happened he was chuffed to bits

[lifetime fan]

What’s brown and sounds like a bell?

 

Dung.

[Trumo]

My wife looked out the window this morning and said she was going out to scrape the car.

 

"Against what?" is apparently not the right response.

[Trumo]

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle she was instantly attracted to him, and during her questions to him about his life she aked him if he had ever had sex.

 

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

 

Jane explained to him what it was.

 

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

 

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

 

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

 

"Here," she said, pointing to her privates. "You must put it in here."

 

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch.

 

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What the fuck did you do that for?!"

 

He replied, "Tarzan check for squirrel."

[AngryOfTuebrook]

BREAKING NEWS

The man who invented the door-knocker has been awarded the No-Bell Prize.

[Remmie]

I tried anal sex with my wife recently but I think I need to work on my technique. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't get my whole Arse into her Vagina...

[AngryOfTuebrook]

I just read a joke about Oedipus and Midas.

 

It was motherfucking gold.

[redheart]

An old lady was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband.

The instant she saw him she started crying. The funeral director walked over to comfort her. Through her tears she explained that she was upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his fervent wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The funeral director apologized and explained that traditionally they always put bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange.

The next day she returned to the funeral parlor to have one last moment with Albert before the funeral the following day. When the funeral director pulled back the curtain, she managed a smile through her tears as Albert was resplendent in a smart blue suit. She said to the funeral director, "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful suit?"

"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit," the funeral director replied. "His wife was quite upset because she wanted him buried in the traditional black suit."

Albert's wife smiled at the undertaker. "After that," he continued, "it was just a matter of swapping the heads."

[lifetime fan]

Dad and his young son are sat in the bath together.

 

Boy: Daddy, why is your willy bigger than mine?

Dad: That’s because I have an erection son.

[SammyAftershave]

A Manchester United fan and a Liverpool fan were driving head on one night and their cars collide. To their amazement neither is hurt but both cars are destroyed. In celebration of their good luck they agree to put their differences aside from that moment on and the Liverpool fan goes to the boot of his car and fetches a 12 yr old bottle of whisky. He hands it to the Manc fan who exclaims, "may the Mancs and the Scousers live together forever in peace and harmony" + then gulps down half the bottle. He goes to hand the bottle to Liverpool fan who replies, "no thanks, I'll just wait til the police get here you manc twat!

[Tourt]

I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a chicken.

 

 

Met a girl dressed as an egg.

 

 

A question as old as time was answered.

 

 

The chicken.

[Trumo]

Paddy turns up at the Antiques Roadshow with two stuffed dogs.

 

The expert looks at them and says, "Well Paddy, this is a rare example of a pair. They were stuffed by Jones Brothers of London, renowned taxidermists to the Royal Family at the turn of the last century.

 

"Do you have any idea what they would fetch in good condition?"

 

"Sticks," says Paddy.

[halewood pete]

A woman's work is never done,and that's why they don't get paid as much.

[Clem H Fandango]

I bumped into my ex in town earlier, I said: "How's your new bloke?"

 

"He's twice the man you are," she sneered, "what about your new woman?"

 

I said, "thankfully she's half the woman you are you fat cunt."

[SammyAftershave]

[AngryOfTuebrook]

The Chinese government has banned the letter N.

 

There are fears that this will lead to an obesity crisis, as now people will eat oodles for every meal.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Courtesy of Rhod Gilbert on HIGNFY.)

[SammyAftershave]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Doug. The midget!

[Trumo]

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Yanni.
Laurel who?