Joke!

[Lee909]

Look at Alan acting all innocent like he has never got up to a bit of kiving

[Guest]

[Alan Sex]

[AngryOfTuebrook]

Militant Feminists I take my hat off to them...

They don't like that.

[AngryOfTuebrook]

I went to the library & asked if they had a book about a man with a tiny penis?

Librarian said "I don't think its in yet"

I said "Yes that's the one"

[AngryOfTuebrook]

I asked if they had any books on paranoia. The librarian leaned forward and whispered

"They're behind you."

[AngryOfTuebrook]

My local Library transforms in to a late night takeaway during the evenings.

 

They do a nice Ssssshh Kebab

[AngryOfTuebrook]

Fell asleep at a party last night and someone put a teabag in my mouth.

I'm furious...

Nobody treats me like a mug!! 

[Thoth]

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

 

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....' Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

 

St.. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home....

 

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

 

'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

 

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '

 

'Never,' said Bob.

 

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

 

Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

 

Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

 

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....

 

'BOB, wake up....... You've shit the bed again

[Thoth]

A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.

To show the others who is the boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased; he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.

What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves to the bees enclosure to collect honey from the South African bees. As soon as he starts, the bees attack him. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.

By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion’s cage - because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.

This lion wanders up to another lion and says

'What's the food like here?'

The lions say 'Absolutely brilliant.

Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees

[AngryOfTuebrook]

I've just taken my final Royal Navy exams. 

I got seven C's

[AngryOfTuebrook]

I've got my practical test today in my pest control exam .

 

 

 

 

I've been up all night swatting. 

[AngryOfTuebrook]

Just been to an NRLI fundraising party. 

They really know how to push the boat out

[AngryOfTuebrook]

I was in Specsavers today. Guess who I bumped into? 

Fu*king everybody 

[Nelly-Szoboszlai]

Does anybody know a decent local vets?

 

I've been paying £2 a month to the Cats Protection League for over a year. I missed a couple of payments and they've just been round and broke Ginger's legs.

[Thoth]

A patient walks into the Doctor's room.

 

"Please be seated", says the Doc.

 

"Well Doc, that's precisely my problem. Every time I sit down, I fart"

 

"Strange, then please sit in order that I may observe", suggests the Doc.

 

The patient sits down and lets off a growler.

 

"Please move over to the examination bed and sit down", the Doctor advises the patient.

 

The patient moves and sits on the side of the bed and lets off another ripper.

 

The doctor reaches under the bed and pulls out a long wooden pole with a brass hook on the end.

 

"Fucking Hell Doc!", stammers the wide-eyed patient. "What are you going to do with that?"

 

"Open some windows, it fucking stinks in here

[halewood pete]

I can still fondly remember playtime at school.

A bit of footy,sneaking for a quick fag and trying to finger girls behind the bike shed.

 

I fucking loved that caretakers job.

[dylstar]

Just got a rescue dog from a Blacksmith. He made a bolt for the door as soon as I got him home.

[VERBAL DIARRHEA]

How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Follow the fresh prints.

[Trumo]

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

 

"But why?" they asked as they moved off.

 

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

[TheBitch]

I've ordered some German food over the internet.

The sauerkraut has arrived but the wurst is yet to come.

[Alan Sex]

Bloke walked into work an hour late the other day. Told the boss he lost track of time watching videos of women peeing on each other.

 

Piss porn excuse if you ask me.

[Trumo]

The Magnificent Seven were cast in a series of adverts for an aftershave.

 

It was filmed at Liverpool's Anfield football ground.

 

Only six of them took part, because Yul never wore cologne.

[dylstar]

Paddy in Wetherspoons:

 

"How much is your lager?"

 

Barman: "£2 a pint and £7 a pitcher"

 

Paddy: I'll just have a pint, fuck the photo."

[Bjornebye]

Good news for insomniacs

 

 

Only 5 sleeps till Christmas