Joke!

[AngryOfTuebrook]

In the library I enquired if they had any books on paranoia.

Librarian leaned forwarded and whispered, “They’re right behind you.”

[AngryOfTuebrook]

I was on the phone to Pizza Hut and ordered a thin, crusty supreme.

Half an hour later, Diana Ross knocked at my door....

[Alan Sex]

I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.

[sir roger]

 

The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe

1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng

2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle

3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle

4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz

5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field

6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons

7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin

8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne

9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel

10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King

11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes

12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff

13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang

14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess

15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine

 

[magicrat]

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

[halewood pete]

I was offered sex today by a twenty one year old woman,in exchange for that,I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner on my Facebook and the Liverpool way website .

Of course I declined because of my strong morals and willpower...

Which is just as strong as Ajax,the super strong bathroom cleaner,now available scented with lemon or vanilla.

[Trumo]

I was shopping late one night at the grocery store looking for nothing in particular. I thought I was the only customer there, but walking past the cleaning aisle I was shocked to see an absolutely stunning, attractive brunette. I went up and down the aisles aimlessly, but could not get her out of my thoughts. My path uncoincidentally led back to the cleaning aisle. When I got there she was standing, seemingly waiting. Out of curiosity I walked up to her and asked, "What are you doing just standing here?" She looked around for a bit and sighed, then said, "Listen...I will sleep with you if you help me promote this cleaning product." Absolutely appalled at the thought, and even angry, I said, "Good luck with that," and walked away. I thought as I left, "How could someone as attractive as her have such low morals?" I'm no saint, but I was proud to claim I have stronger morals than that. ALMOST as strong as the power of Ajax dishwashing detergent, now in lemon and orange scented capsules! Twice the cleaning power of any other brand names.

.

[magicrat]

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

[AngryOfTuebrook]

A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes.
"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man.
"Okay." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!!"
A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.
Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched and says that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.
"Not to worry" says the waiter and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen.
"Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"
The dishwasher wields a huge meat clever and is just about to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.

"I am sorry, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.
"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show........

That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais, with mild green, hairy lip squid"

[AngryOfTuebrook]

I was doing a crossword in the pub and said to my Scottish mate, 'I'm stuck on one, trapped on a desert island, eight letters, starting with M

He said 'marooned' 
I said 'what?'
He said 'it's marooned.'
I said 'Thanks, I'll have a pint with a whisky chaser!'

[halewood pete]

A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes.

"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man.

"Okay." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!!"A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.

Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched and says that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.

"Not to worry" says the waiter and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen.

"Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"

The dishwasher wields a huge meat clever and is just about to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.

 

"I am sorry, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show........

That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais, with mild green, hairy lip squid"

 

Have to be over 50 to get that one I reckon !

[stringvest]

 

I was doing a crossword in the pub and said to my Scottish mate, 'I'm stuck on one, trapped on a desert island, eight letters, starting with M

He said 'marooned' 

I said 'what?'

He said 'it's marooned.'

I said 'Thanks, I'll have a pint with a whisky chaser!'

 

 

 

can't wait to use that on Mook

[TheBitch]

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.

"Yes," the Labrador replies.

 

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he then asks, "So, tell me your story."

 

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the SAS.

"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."

 

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the owner says.

"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying sod. He's never been out of the garden!

[Thoth]

Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so they go to the doctors. After tests the doctor suggests Paddy's wife may be overheating during sex. Paddy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel over them during sex.

After 20 minutes of wafting, there is still no orgasm so his friend suggests a swap

"I'll fuck her and you waft the towel"

Paddy agrees and within seconds Paddy's wife is screaming with pleasure and has the best orgasm ever.

Paddy turns slowly to his friend

"and that my friend is how you waft a fucking towel"

[Trumo]

I met a transvestite from the Greater Manchester area in the pub last night.

 

He had a Wigan address.

[AngryOfTuebrook]

I asked the baker "How come your cakes are all 50p, except that one over there for £1?"

 

He said "That's madeira cake."

[Priory Doctor]

Just split up with my girlfriend -she works in a firework factory.

Sparks flying at first, then it all fizzled out to nothing.

Never did get to banger.

[Remmie]

Just invested a new word, wanna hear it?

 

Plaigerism

[Evelyn Tentions]

Plaig

Just invested a new word, wanna hear it?

 

Plaigerism

Plaigerism is definitely a new word

[Remmie]

Don't be so padantic

 

 

 

 

 

*yes I know this was an incorrect spelling as well

[magicrat]

Don't be so padantic

 

 

 

 

 

*yes I know this was an incorrect spelling as well

 

Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house? No. Well, it's really nice.

[Lee909]

More of a riddle

 

Music related

 

What has 9 arms and sucks

[VERBAL DIARRHEA]

Def Leppard

[Lee909]

Well that lasted long.

Guess its not a new one then.

Cant say i ever heard it before,must kive in a cave i guess

[Alan Sex]

Well that lasted long.

Guess its not a new one then.

Cant say i ever heard it before,must kive in a cave i guess

How do you kive in a cave?

 

What is kiving, really?