Joke!

[halewood pete]

I came up against some pretty stiff competition in the National Erection Championship semi final.

[AngryOfTuebrook]

[AngryOfTuebrook]

I'm reading a book about the best way to join two sheets of steel together.

 

It's riveting.

[AngryOfTuebrook]

[dylstar]

I noticed on the bookies window yesterday it said 'Open on a Sunday 11-2'.

 

I'll have a tenner on that, it was open last Sunday.

[General Dryness]

Apparently he passed away peacefully in his jeep.

[magicrat]

Apparently he passed away peacefully in his jeep.

 

He's with Dog now

[Razoray]

He's with Dog now

YAWN RIPE etc

[AngryOfTuebrook]

A friend of mine was run over by a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry.

 

I found it really hard telling his family.

[AngryOfTuebrook]

If a pig loses his voice is he disgruntled?

[Guest Pistonbroke]

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.
In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.
In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.

Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean

[stringvest]

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.

In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.

In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.

Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean

That's getting negged when I get home

[Guest Pistonbroke]

That's getting negged when I get home

 

I'm glad you read it all mate. 

[stringvest]

I'm home now.

[Guest Pistonbroke]

I'm home now.

 

A man of his word. I felt the same when reading it myself, it still made me chuckle though. 

[dylstar]

Asked a customer how she was today she said I'm disabled so I've been in bed all day & I said oh im jealous

[AngryOfTuebrook]

.

[Trumo]

.

 

ROFLMAO!

[AngryOfTuebrook]

ROFLMAO!

It's one of my best.

 

(I hate to admit it, I posted the pie rates joke and then spotted that it had already been done - and duly punished.)

[AngryOfTuebrook]

Nicked this from Facebook

 

Today is the birthday of my ultimate comedy hero the late great Dave Allen. The man who wrote the greatest joke ever written -

 

An Irish fella arrives in London and goes down to the local builders yard to look for work. When he gets there the foreman says

'Alright Paddy. Now I've had a few of you Mick's work for me and you're all a bit thick and make too many mistakes. So before I decide whether to give you a job or not I'm gonna test your building knowledge. Alright?'

Paddy nods

'Ahh, no, no trouble at all sir, foire away.'

'Right then Paddy. What's the difference between ‘girder’ and ‘joist’?”

'Ah now, let me see. Goethe wrote ‘Faust’ and Joyce wrote ‘Ulysses’.

 

 

Appy Burfdee and may your god go with you.

[lifetime fan]

https://youtu.be/0QVPUIRGthI

[Trumo]

During the Second World War, my grandad was stationed in the jungles of the Far East and one day they were to be sent out on patrol into the deep jungle for a day. The sergeant major gets all the unit together and issues them a warning.

 

"Right lads, you're going into the jungle and in there is the deadliest snake known to man. It's called the oomibagoomi snake but don't worry it's quite easy to render it perfectly harmless. It's a very distinctive two-colour striped snake and if you see one just grab it by the tail and with alternative hands go orange, black, orange, black, orange, black, orange, black until you get to the head. Then with both hands, twist one way then the other and that will kill the snake."

 

So off they go into the jungle and upon returning, my grandad's face is ripped to shreds. He looks a right mess and the sergeant looks at him and asks what happened to him.

 

"Well sir, I was going through the jungle when sticking out of the bush was the oomibagoomi snake. So following your advice I grabbed it quickly with both hands . Orange, black, orange, black, orange, black. And then sir, I came face to face with the biggest tiger's arse I've ever seen."

[AngryOfTuebrook]

I've applied for a new job cleaning mirrors.
It's a job I could see myself doing!

[AngryOfTuebrook]

What did the cheese say to the mirror?

 

"Halloo me!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

© Jon Flanagan

[AngryOfTuebrook]

My mate's been rushed in to the premature ejaculation clinic. I'm really worried.

 

It's still touch and go.