Joke!

[Guest Pistonbroke]

I hired one of those Eastern European cleaners but she took 10 hours to hoover my house!!! Turns out she was one of those Slovacs. 

[Rick Sanchez C-137]

David Cameron walks into a bar, and immediately skull fucks everyones sunday roast.

 

/end

[Guest Pistonbroke]

Remember kids, if you don't sin then Jesus died for nothing. 

[Guest Pistonbroke]

I was talking to this missus last night and told her I think her brother is batting for the other side. "Why is that?" she asked, "Because his cock tastes of shit!" I replied. 

[Alan Sex]

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you"

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.

I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that but there's two things:

#1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

O.K.," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfils the cab drivers fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's O.K. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

[halewood pete]

My wife has no concept of British summer time.she unfortunately thought this weekend was when all the cocks turn black.

[halewood pete]

My wife says I'm very immature and really need to sit down and talk with her.

Yeah,right !... As if that's gonna happen in conker season !

[Trumo]

A man goes home to his wife holding a duck under his arm.

 

"This is the pig I've been fucking", he exclaims.

 

"Er, that's a duck", says his wife.

 

"I wasn't talking to you", says the man.

[Trumo]

A farmer has 3 daughters. One evening, they are all going out on dates. The farmer, being the protective sort, waits by the front door with a loaded shotgun.

 

The first boy turns up, knocks on the door and when the father opens it, he says, "Hi, my name's Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to see a show. Is she ready to go?" The farmer approves and sends them on their way.

 

The second boy turns up, knocks on the door and when the father opens it, he says, "Hi, my name's Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're going to a restaurant to eat spaghetti. Sir, is she ready?" Again the farmer approves and wishes them both a lovely evening.

 

The third boy turns up, knocks on the door and when the father opens it, he says, "Hi, my name's Chuck..."

 

The farmer shoots the poor bastard.

[halewood pete]

Two wives go out together for a girls night out ,get drunk and on their way home stop for a piss in a cemetery.neither have any tissues to wipe themselves with so one uses her knickers and the other grabbed a wreath off a grave.

The next morning,one husband rang the other and said'thats it mate,no more girls nights outmine came home with no knickers on last night'.

The other husband said'you think that's bad? Mine came home with a card stuck up her crack saying

'From all the lads at the fire station,we will never forget you'

[setreal]

[AngryOfTuebrook]

I went to a comedy gig tonight and the first act (Nick Doody) was talking about how sometimes you say stuff that offends people and it's a bit regrettable, but life goes on.  But he gets annoyed at people who seem to want to be offended, to go out of their way to take everything as a personal insult.

 

"For example, you may be a black dwarf.  If I use the word 'niggling' it's not necessarily about you."

[halewood pete]

Copped for a couple of anorexic birds last night ,result !

Two birds,one stone.

[halewood pete]

IUsed to run a dating agency for chickens but I had to pack it in,

I couldn't make hens meet.

[Alan Sex]

What's brown and sticky?

 

 

 

My picture of Beyoncé.

[halewood pete]

Two birds on a perch and one says'can you smell fish?'

 

Two fish in a tank and one says'can you drive this ?'

[General Dryness]

Two birds on a Cliff and one says "Do you think he is guilty of kiddie fiddling?"

[A_S]

Did you hear about the hipster that burnt his lips? 

 

Apparently he was drinking tea before it was cool. 

[Guest Pistonbroke]

Copped off with a Thai lady last night and came so close to shagging it. 

 

Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, danced like a lady and kissed like a lady. It was only when she drove me to her place and reversed the car into the garage first time I thought " Hang on a fucking minute." 

[setreal]

The Fridge Magnet Friday thread.

[halewood pete]

Just bought the wife a wooden leg to Christmas, not her main present,just a stocking filler.

[magicrat]

Had a long wait in A&E today, Fella in front of me had a musket wound

[halewood pete]

She offered her honour,

He honoured her offer,

And all night he was on her and off her !

[halewood pete]

What do you have if you are holding a green ball in one hand and a green ball in the other?

 

The jolly green giants undivided attention.

[AngryOfTuebrook]