Joke!

[Guest davelfc]

I was in Paris last weekend with the missus on a romantic break. When walking down the Champs Elysees a load of cyclists came bombing down. They were swerving in and out of traffic shouting obscenities. We got called "knobs, twats!, wankers! Fuckmonkey, shit arse, nob jockey, piss flaps, fucker! Cunt!" 

 

Turns out it was the Tourette's de France.

 

[halewood pete]

A B G N

 

That's bang out of order

[halewood pete]

What do you call a black man on the moon?

 

An astronaut you racist bastard!

[King Emlyn]

Middle of winter and the weather is atrocious, fella hears a knock on the door to see a snail shivering on the doorstep, snail says " hey mate you couldn't give some shelter for the night could you?" Fella says "do one you cheeky get " and kicks the poor snail who goes flying all the way down to the end of the drive.

Six months later it's the middle of summer and its sweltering. The same fella hears a knock on the door, he answers it to see a snail on the doorstep who looks up at him and says "there was no need for that"

[AngryOfTuebrook]

What did the snail say when he was sat on a tortoise's back?

 

"Whoaaa!"

[AngryOfTuebrook]

What did the slug say to the snail?

 

"Big Issue!"

[Chip Butty]

Why did the sex offenders cross the road?

 

 

To catch the bus to the Mosque.

[halewood pete]

Why did the pervert cross the road?

 

He got his dick  stuck in the chicken

[loadsoftrophies]

Why did the sex offenders cross the road?

 

 

To catch the bus to the Mosque.

Woah woah woah!

[Lee909]

 Ed Miliband

[Spy Bee]

Two cats racing across a river, one cat called OneTwoThree, the other called UnDeuxTrois.

 

Who won?

 

OneTwoThree, because UnDeuxTrois cat sank!

[Rick Sanchez C-137]

An englishman, an irishman and a scotsman walked into a bar. They were all raging alcoholics and their alcoholism had ruined their relationships with their family as well as their health. Tragic.

[Nelly-Szoboszlai]

Very sad news. The inventor of predictive text messaging has died today.

 

For all those who wish to pass on their final respects, his funfair will be hello next Sundial.

[AngryOfTuebrook]

Some fella knocked on me door before and said, "I've got a parcel for your next door neighbour here mate."

I said, "You've got the wrong house then lad."

[AngryOfTuebrook]

I was telling everyone at work this story that I get much bigger in size and develop a lisp when there's a full moon.

I was sacked for growth myth conduct.

[Dr Nowt]

Classic JCC ones, re people from Yorkshire being tight.

 

A hooker opens up in a Yorkshire town, with an introductory offer that not only will she do anything, but if you keep your requests down to 3 words she'll do it for a fiver. There are queues round the block.

 

First guy goes in, pretty normal guy, says to her "Fuck me stupid." She does the business and sends him out of there happy and in pocket.

 

Second guy is a bit more kinky, he says "Beat me up." So she gives him a severe pasting and sends him on his way perfectly satisfied.

 

Third guy is old-school Yorkshire, he says "Paint my house."

 

His other one is that his mate from Yorkshire won't wear elasticated underwear, because they give.

[dickie mint]

How do you get a Parrot to speak put it on the 500.

[halewood pete]

What's red and invisible,?

No tomatoes

[King Emlyn]

My grandad got his sleeping tablets and viagra mixed up , lately he's been going up to bed in the afternoon for forty wanks.

[Guest davelfc]

I've got a Katie Price advent calendar, the flaps are already open. 

[Trumo]

You lot have busted open the crackers early this year.

[dickie mint]

Hey Dad there's some fella at the door with a baldy head,it's alright son tell him I've got one.

[Guest davelfc]

Just checked the NORAD website and it's not looking good.

 

They lost contact with Santa after he left Kuala Lumpur. 

[Guest davelfc]

North Korea is back online after internet outage. Sources say South Korea changed the wifi password.

[Reds4Life]

A ventriloquist is walking through the Welsh countryside when he stumbles across a farmer whittling a piece of wood at his front gate.

 

The ventriloquist thinks he'll have a bit of fun with him and says "Hey mate is that your dog?"

 

The farmer replies "Yes, why?"

 

"Mind if I have a quick word with him?"

 

The farmer looking puzzled agrees.

 

The ventriloquist says "Hey dog, does this guy look after you?"

 

The dog replies "Aye. He talks me for walks, feeds me well, I've got my own kennel. Sound."

 

The ventriloquist then says "Hey mate is that your horse over there?"

 

The farmer again looking puzzled agrees.

 

The ventriloquist says "Hey horse, does this guy look after you?"

 

The horse replies "Aye. He talks me for a gallop now and then, feeds me well, I've got my own stable. Sound."

 

The ventriloquist then says "Hey mate is that your sheep over there?"

 

The farmer says "The sheep's a fucking liar."