Joke!

[Guest Pistonbroke]

[halewood pete]

I asked a mate in work what his wife did for a living

He said 'its difficult to say really,she sells seashells on the seashore.'

[Guest Pistonbroke]

The new doctor who is Scottish, so if the Scots vote Yes in their independence vote we'll have a foreign doctor.....that is bound to piss off the Daily mail readers

[stringvest]

To whoever stole my Microsoft Office CD - I will find you, and I will kill you.  You have my Word.

[Hermes]

 I went camping in the Lake District this summer and it rained every day for a week. Spent the whole time under canvas and got arrested..... for lurking within tent.

[Guest davelfc]

What's brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

Trombones.

 

[Bjornebye]

Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

[Rick Sanchez C-137]

That's not funny you sick cunt. Think of all those poor families.

[Nasty Lizard]

Alex Salmond walks into a bar in Scotland...

 

 

 

...Sorry I meant the United Kingdom...

[stringvest]

Alex Salmond walks into a bar in Scotland...

 

 

 

...Sorry I meant the United Kingdom...

 

haha!  ouch!

[halewood pete]

Alex Salmond walks into a bar in Scotland...

 

 

 

...Sorry I meant the United Kingdom...

Ace!(better together)

[halewood pete]

She offered her honour

I honoured her offer

 

And all night I was on her and off her !

[AL66GOLF]

My lesbian neighbours gave me a Rolex.

I think they misunderstood when I said ‘I wanna watch’
 

[AL66GOLF]

Enjoying myself in a club last night. This really ugly girl came up to me , squeezed my arse and said, "Give me your phone number sexy."

I said, " Have you got a pen. " She smiled and said, " Yes. "

I said, " Well **** off back to it , before the farmer notices you're missing."

[AL66GOLF]

A bloke with a gun enters a bar.

"Who the fu*k had sex with my wife?" he snarled.

A voice was heard in the background: "You don't have enough bullets mate!"

[halewood pete]

Whats a lesbians favourite sweet?

 

Clitoris allsorts

[halewood pete]

Saw a fella fishing today

I asked him what he was using For bait,he said liquorice

I asked what kind of fish he caught with that,

He said. Allsorts!

[AngryOfTuebrook]

Enjoying myself in a club last night. This really ugly girl came up to me , squeezed my arse and said, "Give me your phone number sexy."

 

I said, " Have you got a pen. " She smiled and said, " Yes. "

 

I said, " Well **** off back to it , before the farmer notices you're missing."

That reminds me of when I was a student in Barcelona. I was in a club with an Irish mate of mine (who was forever complaining about his lack of, let's say, female company)and a really good looking and obviously interested Spanish girl started talking to him. He thought it was funny to say

"Do you speak English?"

"Yes"

"Then fuck off."

 

Like I say, he wasn't a massive hit with las chicas.

[halewood pete]

There are The two rules for success.

 

1.never reveal everything you know.

[Trumo]

An old fella was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. He opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

 

He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?"

 

He said, "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me."

 

Then the police dispatcher said, "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

 

The old fella said OK, hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both. The dogs are eating them right now." Then he hung up. 

 

Within five minutes, 6 police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, 2 fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up outside his house and caught the burglars red-handed. 

 

One of the policemen said to the old fella, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!?"

 

The old fella replied, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[AngryOfTuebrook]

Scientists have observed that when one pizza delivery guy falls over, several others also fall over soon after.

This is known as the domino's effect.

[VladimirIlyich]

A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time.

He says, "This is Amanda."

His dad jumps up. "It's a f*****g what?

[Guest Pistonbroke]

I saw a very sad looking AA man this morning, I thought "Hey up, this fucker is heading for a breakdown!"

[halewood pete]

Some fella just knocked on my door with a beard

 

Never heard him

[stringvest]

Just as well he didn't have a wooden leg.