Joke!

[halewood pete]

Time for a kick start on the jokes,here goes!

A boy asks his nan'have you seen my pills marked LSD?'

Fuck your pills says she,have you seen all those dragons in the kitchen? 

Ly

Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine, both in hospital,one in a korma, the others got a dodgy tikka.

 

Just had my annual water bill drop on the mat £175,thats a lot when oxfam can supply a whole African village for £2 a month.time to change suppliers I think.

 

After years of research, scientists have finally discovered what makes women happy.....NOTHING! 

 

I've been charged with murder for killing a manwith sandpaper, in my defence,I only meant to rough him up a bit.

 

 

My mate has just hired an eastern European cleaner,took her 15 hours to hooverthe the house.turns out she's a slovak 

 

 

After a night of drink,drugs and wild sex,I woke up next to a really ugly woman,that's when I realised I had made it home safely.

 

Did you hear about the fat,alcoholic, transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat ,drink, and be mary.

[AngryOfTuebrook]

The advantages of easy origami are two fold.

[halewood pete]

Two fish in a tank,and onesays to the other,'can you drive this?'

[General Dryness]

Reversing out of a carpark the other day, accidentally scraped the door of the guy parked next to me. He gets out of his car, and it turns out he's a dwarf. He says to me "I'm not happy". I said "Well which one are you then?".

[AngryOfTuebrook]

Two parrots sitting on a perch and one says "Can you smell fish?"

[General Dryness]

Two cannibals eating a clown and one says "does this taste funny to you?"

[AngryOfTuebrook]

Two flies sitting on a pile of shit.  One starts picking his nose and the other one says "D'you mind - I'm eating!"

[Robbo29]

Two fish in a tank, loved it,

[Trumo]

British delegates were stunned when their royal hosts served them baguettes filled with honey badger on a recent visit to the Middle East. Polite and reserved as ever, they didn't quite know what to make of the Sheik, ratel and roll.

[JagSquared]

During a bank robbery a woman pregnant with triplets is shot 3 times in the stomach. Doctors rush her to hospital an when she comes round they inform her that all is well but unfortunately they were unable to get the bullets out although they foresee no problems with the little ones.

 

Fast forward 14 years and with two girls and a healthy boy, she comes home one day to find her daughter crying. She asks "what's wrong my dear?" The daughter replies "mum I was having a wee and a bullet came out" relieved the mother re tells the story of how the bullet got there.

 

A few weeks later her other daughter is crying and upon asking she also replies that she was "having a wee and a bullet came out". She calms her daughter and explains all.

 

The next day her son is in bits, howling and inconsolable the mother replies "I know what happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out" the son sobbing replies "no mum.... I was having a wank and I shot the dog!"

[BENIRL]

Dwarfs make bad parents. They find it really hard to put food on the table!

[AngryOfTuebrook]

I've just invented a new word - plagiarism.

[TheBitch]

My wife has recently decided to try her hand at cooking and today handed me one of her freshly baked cookies, "Now be brutally honest." She smiled, "I'm open to criticism."

 

I said, "They're quite nice, you fat cunt."

[halewood pete]

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge yesterday,or'foreplay' as she likes to call it.

[halewood pete]

The wife's on the warpath again,she was up for making a sex movie last night,and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part

[TheBitch]

I went on a roller coaster and the woman next to me wouldn't stop screaming.

 

Seriously, it was like she'd never seen a penis before.

[halewood pete]

I've accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles

My next crap could spell disaster

[TheBitch]

Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm and the doctor suggests she's over heating during sex.

So Paddy gets his mate around to waft a towel on them during sex.

After 20 mins still no orgasm, so his friend suggests "let's swap, I'll shag her and you waft the towel".

Within seconds Paddy's wife is screaming with pleasure and has her first orgasm ever.

 

Paddy turns to his friend slowly and says. "and that my friend is how you waft a towel".

[Boss]

Jonny is desperate for a job, so he sees the signs around Liverpool for the Billy Smart Circus and ends up getting an interview, he's sitting with the head of the circus and pleads for any job available, after much thought the man says "we do have one job available, one of our clowns has just quit and we need someone to fill in for him", Jonny agrees instantly "Well it's pretty straight forward, you'll do the usual clown routine, involving the little cars, spraying water from a flower on your outfit, the finale will be you getting hit in the head with a rubber bat, after you get hit pretend your knocked out then "TADA" spring up and the curtains will go down, end of show.

 

Jonny agrees, and later on that night he puts on his makeup and goes out with the 3 other clowns to do the routine, he's dancing about having fun, spraying water in peoples faces, then he sits on the chair for the finale, only unbeknownst to him the rubber bat has been replaced by a metal one. He's pulling stupid faces to the crowd, when suddenly the other clown swings with this almighty SMASH! hitting Jonny full force right in the face with the bat. Jonny instantly gets knocked unconscious and slumps back into the chair, blood pouring from his head and everything. The head of the circus can see somethings badly wrong and rushes to the stage picking Jonny up and calling frantically for an ambulance, after taking Jonny to A & E and after 4 days on a life support machine Jonny starts to come too in the presence of the head of the circus who was terrified he might die, as Jonny comes to he springs up from the bed and shouts "TAAADDDAA" 

[halewood pete]

Is oral sex a taste of things to come? 

[stringvest]

Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm and the doctor suggests she's over heating during sex.

So Paddy gets his mate around to waft a towel on them during sex.

After 20 mins still no orgasm, so his friend suggests "let's swap, I'll shag her and you waft the towel".

Within seconds Paddy's wife is screaming with pleasure and has her first orgasm ever.

Paddy turns to his friend slowly and says. "and that my friend is how you waft a towel".

That is excellent Rich.

[Paulie Dangerously]

What do you get if you cross 80S TV gameshows with international terrorism?

 

Dusty Bin-Laden

[Paulie Dangerously]

While driving, I had an accident with a magician. It wasn't my fault. He just appeared from nowhere !

[Trumo]

A guy walks into the doctor's office with a banana stuck in one ear, a potato in the other ear, and a carrot stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well first of all, you need to eat more sensibly." 
 

[Trumo]

Your hair is a mess. Your family are nuts. Your neighbour is an arsehole. Your best friend is a pussy. And your owner beats you regularly. Yes it's a sad life to be a penis.