Joke!

[VladimirIlyich]

A couple of kids were giving me a load of verbal abuse so i thought I'll show them. I turned round and said,'Ive shagged your mum in ways that will make your head spin' 'Shes been down on her knees sucking me dry,shes a right dirty bitch.'

One of them turned round and said,'Leave it out will you Dad.'

[halewood pete]

I'm a morbidly obese quadruple amputee.

 

Thats how I roll.

[halewood pete]

My wife and I view sex differently..

For instance,I view it mainly on the Internet !

[halewood pete]

The Doctor put my wife on a new pill and now we have sex every night..

Its fucking awesome!!

It doesnt matter what position we are in,nothing wakes her ...

[Captain Turdseye]

The crappy spread in the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday.

 

I told them "I can't bereave. It's not butter".

[AngryOfTuebrook]

I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes.

 

We haven't done a gig yet.

[Guest davelfc]

I recently got a new job as a bus driver.

 

My boss said to me, "Today you start on the one-man buses, meaning you do both jobs. Collect the fares and drive the bus."

 

Later that day the bus hit a tree. The police, ambulance and the boss arrived. When the boss started shouting I said "Don't blame me you twat, I was collecting the fares upstairs at the time of the crash."

[Guest davelfc]

Apparently every time I smoke a cigarette in the house my three-year-old son also smokes one.

 

 

The crafty little fucker.

[halewood pete]

When I was young,all the other kids would cover me in chocolate,cream and cherries then stick forks in me......

Life was tough in the gateau!...

[Alan Sex]

I just got fired from the BBQ place for having constant erections.

 

When I confronted the manager he said he didn't like the way I was always getting up in his grill.

[Trumo]

A psychic dwarf has just escaped from prison. Police have warned that there is a small medium at large.

[halewood pete]

Rod stewart has been booked to sing at thatchers funeral

'wake up maggie 'may not be a good choice of song!

[Chocoholic]

1st kipper: Smoking is bad for you.

2nd kipper: It's ok, I've been cured.

[halewood pete]

I went for a job interview today,the employer asked"what is your biggest fault?

I said,probably my honesty.he said"well I wouldn't really say that was a fault"

I said"I couldn't give a fuck what you think, you fat cunt "

[halewood pete]

Saw my wife rummaging around the house so I asked her what was up

"I've lost my gloves"she said.

"what do they look.like?"

"just like my hands,but made of wool"!

[Captain]

Sometimes it's hard to tell the World of a woman thread from this one.

[s(k)aturation]

Has anyone suggested thus far that this is a joke of a thread?

[s(k)aturation]

Paddy and Mick, two Irishmen in London, decided they would go and make a donation to the sperm bank.

 

It was a disaster... Paddy missed the tube, and Mick came on the bus.

[halewood pete]

I gazed into her eyes,my heart. Was pounding,lips trembling, unable to speak.Sweat forming on my brow.,she opened her petite little mouth and uttered three words I will. never,ever forget. "That's him officer"

[Remmie]

I hear the Pope really loves cats, the word on the street is he's a Cataholic.

[halewood pete]

Every morning when I leave home I get followed by an amazing bird with very long legs.. I think I'm getting Storked!

[milky]

A man heads off fishing early one Saturday morning, as he does every Saturday. Half-way up the road it's starts to absolutely chuck it down. 'Fuck this', he thinks and turns back. He gets into the house, climbs back into bed and snuggles up to his still asleep wife again.

 

'It's an awful morning out there, love'

 

'I know, ha, and that stupid cunt's out fishing in it'

[Guest davelfc]

After hearing about coffee enemas I contacted Twinings to see if they could invent something I could easily shove up my arse so I could get all the benefits of a good cup of tea without actually having to drink it

 

Turns out they can't organise a brew up in a pessary

[Guest davelfc]

Brought the wife a 100w light bulb for her birthday.

 

She didn't look too impressed, but you should have seen her face light up when I turned it on!

[s(k)aturation]

Why the long face avatar, Dave?