Joke!

[melons]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold

Monday morning; it's a bad one.

 

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of

them are hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.

 

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man.

 

That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s

nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we

should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of

our days".

 

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely,

this must be a sign from God!"

 

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My

car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.

Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good

fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

 

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the

bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the

bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the

man. The man asks,

 

"Aren't you havinga any?"

 

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.... "

 

 

MORAL OF THE STORY:

 

Women are clever, evil bitches.

Don't mess with em!

[ReddOrDedd]

On Valentines day my girlfriend asked me to talk dirty to her.

 

I didnt know whether to say "ride me cowgirl" or "shit on the coffee table".

 

After making my decision and her riding me for 20 mins she jumped off, tripped, fell and smashed her head on the coffee table!

 

Soft landing, mind................

 

 

That reminds me of a story about my brother's flatmate.

 

He was shagging this bird, and she told him to talk dirty to him. He didn't know what to say, but then he comes out with: 'I'm gonna fuck you so hard, you fat bitch!'... whereupon she bursts into tears, which I understand rather ruined the moment.

 

That made my day when my brother told me. :biggrin:

[stringvest]

That reminds me of a story about my brother's flatmate.

 

He was shagging this bird, and she told him to talk dirty to him. He didn't know what to say, but then he comes out with: 'I'm gonna fuck you so hard, you fat bitch!'... whereupon she bursts into tears, which I understand rather ruined the moment.

 

That made my day when my brother told me. :biggrin:

 

hahaha - he's not Alan Partridge, is he?

[ReddOrDedd]

hahaha - he's not Alan Partridge, is he?

 

He makes Alan look like James Bond.

[ReddOrDedd]

That reminds me of a story about my brother's flatmate.

 

He was shagging this bird, and she told him to talk dirty to him. He didn't know what to say, but then he comes out with: 'I'm gonna fuck you so hard, you fat bitch!'... whereupon she bursts into tears, which I understand rather ruined the moment.

 

That made my day when my brother told me. :biggrin:

 

 

On re-confirming this story with my brother, I have been reminded that she didn't request that he talk dirty to her, but rather that he 'treat her mean and call her nasty names'. I don't think 'fat bitch' was what she had in mind, though. Ha!

[Alan Sex]

[Duncan Clench]

That reminds me of a story about my brother's flatmate.

 

He was shagging this bird, and she told him to talk dirty to him. He didn't know what to say, but then he comes out with: 'I'm gonna fuck you so hard, you fat bitch!'... whereupon she bursts into tears, which I understand rather ruined the moment.

 

That made my day when my brother told me. :biggrin:

 

That's fucking brilliant!

[ReddOrDedd]

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oral sex makes your day; anal sex makes your hole weak.

[Melchett]

Going to my boss's funeral tomorrow morning.

 

Gonna wear a black tie.

 

If there's a cold snap I'm gonna wear trousers too.

 

 

 

 

I came home from work this evening and the dog was dead on the floor.

 

I guess six months on an oil rig broke his heart!

 

 

 

 

I tore my bird's knickers last night.

 

She's right, my arse is bigger than hers.

[Seanleonardart]

Im not into all that star sign mumbo jumbo....but thats just me, typical capricorn !!

[Redder Lurtz]

Courtesy of Tony Soprano:

 

A rich guy and a poor guy meet every year on Madison Avenue to discuss what they're getting for their wives for Christmas. One year, they meet and the poor guys asks the rich guy what he's getting his wife this year. The rich guy says "A diamond ring with a big diamond in it and a brand new Mercedes." The poor guy asks, "Why are you getting her both of those?" The rich guy says, "Well if she doesn't like the diamond ring she can take it back to the shop in the Mercedes and still feel good about herself." The poor guy nods. The rich guys says, "So how about you, what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor guy answers, "A pair of slippers and a vibrator." The rich guy says, "Why are you getting her both of those presents?" The poor guy says, "Well if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself."

[Melchett]

Im not into all that star sign mumbo jumbo....but thats just me, typical capricorn !!

 

 

Me and my ex weren't compatible.

 

See, I was a virgo and she was a bitch.

[Melchett]

My mate Steve always says, "Once you go black, you don't go back." So I finally took his advice last night, and shagged a black bird.

 

Have to say, I really enjoyed it once I figured out how to stop it pecking at my testicles.

[ReddOrDedd]

Bloke is walking through a graveyard and sees another bloke crouched down beside a grave.

 

"Morning," goes the first bloke.

 

"No, shitting," replies the second bloke.

[RobbieOR]

My mate Steve always says, "Once you go black, you don't go back." So I finally took his advice last night, and shagged a black bird.

 

Have to say, I really enjoyed it once I figured out how to stop it pecking at my testicles.

 

haha class.

[Stouffer]

Two parrots sitting on a perch when one says to the other, "Can you smell fish?".

[Redder Lurtz]

Tony Soprano's joke doesn't belong in this thread. This thread is not worthy of such a joke.

[ISeeRed]

Is it true Samantha Janus has a brother called Hugh?

[Melchett]

Man lying in bed after sex with his new Thai wife. She keeps stroking his penis. He says: do you like my penis that much? She says: "no I just miss mine"

[Melchett]

Donald Duck goes on a dirty weekend but forgets his durex. He calls down to reception and asks for a pack of 3. The reception says " shall i put them on your bill ?" Donald says " dont be so fuckin stupid, I'll suffocate !"

[Melchett]

Face - has it fallen on 1 side?

Arms - can she raise both arms?

Speech - is her speech slurred?

Time - to get her knickers off, the Rohypnol has taken effect!

[Duncan Clench]

Man goes to doctors...

 

Man: "I think I'm going deaf"

Doc: "Describe the symptoms"

 

Man: "Homer's the fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair"

[halewood pete]

two goldfish in a tank,and one says "can you drive this ?"

[halewood pete]

whats yellow and invisible,? no bananas

[halewood pete]

saw the nurse for my annual health check this morning.she said 'i think you should stop wanking'.i asked,why?,she said because i am trying to examine you.