Joke!

[Trumo]

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, Saint Peter tells Ford, "Well, you have been such a good guy and your invention of the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven."

 

Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with Adam, the first man." Saint Peter points Adam out to Ford. When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"

 

Adam says, "Yes."

 

"Well," says Ford, "you have some major design flaws in your invention:

 

1 - There is too much front end protrusion,

2 - It chatters at high speeds,

3 - The rear end wobbles too much,

4 - The intake is too close to the exhaust."

 

"Hmmmmm...," says Adam, "hold on".

 

So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it.

 

He then says to Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."

[Trumo]

A young man goes into a pharmacists to buy some condoms. The pharmacist tells him the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

 

"Well," he says, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really fit. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she will want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

 

The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me you were such a religious person."

 

The young man whispers back, "You never told me your dad was a pharmacist."

[Trumo]

A woman puts a 'lonely hearts' ad in her local paper saying that she needs a man who can satisfy her in bed, won't beat her, and won't run from her. She gets thousands and thousands of replies but can't find what she's looking for. She is about to give up when one day the door bell rings. She opens the door and finds a man with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.

 

She says, "Can I help you?"

 

He says, "I'm here about your ad."

 

She says, "Forgive me but I don’t see how you can help me."

 

He says, "Well, number one, I don't have any arms so I can't beat you, and number two, I don't have any legs so I can't run from you..."

 

She cuts in and asks, "Well how do you expect to help me with the third thing?"

 

He says, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"

[Trumo]

There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on a beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl walked towards him and asked, "What's that under your newspaper?"

 

Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he awoke, he was in tremendous pain.

 

The police asked him what happened. The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, and this little girl asked me a question. I guess I dozed off and the next thing I know I'm here."

 

The police went to the beach, found the little girl and asked her, "What did you do after that?"

 

After a pause the little girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me. So I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"

[Trumo]

A 16 year old Catholic girl goes to confession.

 

Catholic girl: I called a boy a motherfucker last night.

Priest: Why did you do that?

Catholic girl: He kissed me.

Priest: (Bends over and kisses her) Like that?

Catholic girl: Yes.

Priest: Is that why you called him a motherfucker?

Catholic girl: No, then he grabbed my bottom.

Priest: (Grabs her bottom) Like this?

Catholic girl: Yes.

Priest: Is that why you called him a motherfucker?

Catholic girl: No, then he pulled my pants down.

Priest: (Pulls her pants down) Like this?

Catholic girl: Yes.

Priest : Is that why you called him a motherfucker?

Catholic girl: No, then he took off my panties, and put his you-know-what in my you-know-where.

Priest: (Takes off her panties and puts his you-know-what in her you-know-where) Like this?

Catholic girl: Yes.

Priest: Is that why you called him a motherfucker?

Catholic girl: No.

Priest: Then why did you call him a motherfucker?

Catholic girl: He had herpes!

Priest: That MOTHERFUCKER!

[brucespanner]

A stranger phoned me last night asking me to meet him in the woods because he wanted to see my penis...?

 

Fucking weirdo never showed up!

[Alan Sex]

Gay fella walks into the Doctors office complaining his arse squeaks every time he sits down.

 

Doctor says "have you had unprotected sex?"

 

Gay fella says "never! Just the other day I went home with a man - I told him "if you want to put anything in my bum you'd better use a rubber, duckie!""

[Bjornebye]

f**tball related but still a joke. sorry in advance.

 

everton manage to qualify for the champions league and draw barcelona.

 

messi in training the day before says to the barca team, "these lot are shite, ill beat them on me own, you lot wait in the boozer i'll come in afterwards."

 

anyway the match comes and goes and messi walks into the pub. his team mates all ask how he got on, he says "sorry lads, we drew 1 all."

 

"arr fucking hell messi lad what happened you said you would beat them on your own? "

 

"I know but i got sent off after half an hour"

[Nasty Lizard]

I went to the doctors the other day.

I said, "Doctor, everytime I have sex, my eyes sting like mad"

The Doctor said, "That will be the pepper spray"

[brucespanner]

Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow. "Ooh!" said the presenter, " This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermist who operated in London at the turn of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?". "Sticks?" said Paddy.

[Trumo]

Fosters helpline: G'day mate, Fosters helpline. What's the problem mate?

Man: I'm in Australia with the girlfriend and she's just been stung on her minge by a hornet, and it's completely closed up.

Fosters helpline: Bummer mate.

Man: That's what I thought too. Thanks mate, bye.

[Alan Sex]

Shamelessly nicked this one.

 

 

A horse walks into a bar.

 

"Too late," says the bartender, "we're joking about the pope now."

 

"He's right," sighs Richard III

[Dr Arthur De Sabre]

Fosters helpline: G'day mate' date=' Fosters helpline. What's the problem mate?

Man: I'm in Australia with the girlfriend and she's just been stung on her minge by a hornet, and it's completely closed up.

Fosters helpline: Bummer mate.

Man: That's what I thought too. Thanks mate, bye.[/quote']

 

Thankfully fosters is as rare as rocking horse shite over here mate. Seen it maybe twice in 5 years. Good cookery programme just started over here mate - i remember yer dug masterchef - called my kitchen rules. Season 4, never seen it previously but not bad, some proper whoppers on it, like a come done with me but with some excellent cooking mixed in. Available where the pirates hang out.

[halewood pete]

My 19 year old son won £21 million on the lottery recently.

I was so happy for him but when I rang to congratulate him he said he didn't want anything to do with me.....

His foster parents must have raised him to be a right little cunt !

[Trumo]

Thankfully fosters is as rare as rocking horse shite over here mate. Seen it maybe twice in 5 years. Good cookery programme just started over here mate - i remember yer dug masterchef - called my kitchen rules. Season 4, never seen it previously but not bad, some proper whoppers on it, like a come done with me but with some excellent cooking mixed in. Available where the pirates hang out.

 

Er...haha?!

 

*backs away slowly*

[jonnybastard]

Thankfully fosters is as rare as rocking horse shite over here mate. Seen it maybe twice in 5 years. Good cookery programme just started over here mate - i remember yer dug masterchef - called my kitchen rules. Season 4, never seen it previously but not bad, some proper whoppers on it, like a come done with me but with some excellent cooking mixed in. Available where the pirates hang out.

 

I once got hit in the face by a pint of fosters thrown into the crowd at a music festival. It tasted like piss, so I'm assuming it was fosters.

[Guest Pistonbroke]

.....

[Trumo]

.....

 

My. Sides. Are. Splitting!

[md1892]

Lets get this thread back on track.

 

What do you call a man with no legs?

 

Fuck all... He might shoot you.

 

 

 

Oscar Pistorius has murdered his girlfriend.

 

Proof that even a man with no legs has a better shot than Fernando Torres.

[halewood pete]

It only takes a second to show someone what you think of them...

(the police call it indecent exposure!)

[Guest davelfc]

The friend of my enemy is usually my ex...

[halewood pete]

Shagged that cheryl cole yesterday and theres three things you should know:-

 

1. Her fanny is tight as fuck,took a real effort get get in

2. She took a facial without a word of complaint.

3. The staff in madame tussauds are all miserable bastards with no sense of humour

[halewood pete]

After dropping my new girlfriend off after our first date she told me I'd have to wait six months before. She would suck my cock.

I told her I understood. And totally respected her decision and would ring her a bit nearer the time.

[Robbo29]

that cheryl cole one had me laughing out loud, well good, gonna steal that one

[Trumo]

that cheryl cole one had me laughing out loud, well good, gonna steal that one

 

The staff at Tussaud's ain't gonna like that either.