Joke!

[Guest Pistonbroke]

I went to a maze earlier .

Saw four women wearing burqas so I shouted at them

"Allah takes it up the arse!"

Best bloody game of PacMan in ages

[Soleilrouge]

A horse walks into a bar.

And the Barman says, 'why the long face?'

The horse replies, 'they just killed my wife, twenty years she was pulling that Milk Float and when she got too old they took her down to the Knackers yard and shot a whacking great bolt through her head.'

'No, you've ruined it now,' said the barman, 'the whole crux of that joke is that it hinged on the interplay between somebody having a long face because they are sad and the fact that a horse has got a naturally long face because of its bone-structure. As touching as I found your 'bolt through the head' story to be, by giving a valid reason for a horse to have a long face you have taken away the shock value which is inherent in the joke and brought out by having a barman (such as myself) ask a typical question but having the reason for asking the question come from a non-typical source.'

'You wouldn't say that if they had just made your wife into a pot of glue' said the horse.

 

genius

[brucespanner]

I pulled a heavy duty munter last night down the boozer .

Fuck me she looked like she'd been ducking for apples in a chip pan... had more hands up her than Sooty... been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe... got a face that could make an onion cry... so big I couldn't ride her into battle... seen more japs eyes than an oriental optician... a face like a stuntmans knee... a Fanny like a yawning donkey... that ugly not even a sniper would take her out... been shot over more times than Sarejevo... has a pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout... Been cocked more times than Elmer Fudd's shotgun... an arse like a bag of spanners... a belly bigger than a bank horse...

But wey hey a shags a shag

[General Dryness]

I pulled a heavy duty munter last night down the boozer .

Fuck me she looked like she'd been ducking for apples in a chip pan... had more hands up her than Sooty... been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe... got a face that could make an onion cry... so big I couldn't ride her into battle... seen more japs eyes than an oriental optician... a face like a stuntmans knee... a Fanny like a yawning donkey... that ugly not even a sniper would take her out... been shot over more times than Sarejevo... has a pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout... Been cocked more times than Elmer Fudd's shotgun... an arse like a bag of spanners... a belly bigger than a bank horse...

But wey hey a shags a shag

 

I was always quite partial to "she had a face like a plasterers radio".

[MAC5]

I was always quite partial to "she had a face like a plasterers radio".

 

She had a face that would turn a funeral up a side street

[halewood pete]

Bought the wife a pug dog as a pet.

Despite the squashed nose,the bulging eyes and rolls of fat,the dog actually seemed to like her !

[halewood pete]

Told the wife that i was going to make a car out of spaghetti...

she told me not to be such a fucking idiot...

you should have seen her face when I drove pasta !..

[Mak46137]

My missus came home drunk yesterday- as she was undressing she stumbled, fell over & passed out. Knickers round ankles & fanny on show.

I thought "No way am I gonna miss an opportunity like this !"

So I went out with the lads.

[Guest Pistonbroke]

Best mate popped round for a visit just as our dog was licking his cock clean. My mate said "I wish i could do that!" I said "give him a biscuit and he might let you."

[Trumo]

Before having sex with my girlfriend, she turned to me and said, "If you turn off the light, you can shove it up my ass." In hindsight, I should have waited until the bulb had cooled down first.

[AngryOfTuebrook]

(Robbed this one from a FB chum, before our mutual mucker Tom R does so.)

 

A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

Geordie answered, "Aye, I was a canny salesman back in Newcassell!"

The manager liked Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was busy, but he got through it. After closing time the manager appeared and asked, "So how many sales did you make today?"

Geordie said, "Just the one, marra."

The manager groaned, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! How much was the sale for?"

"£124,237.64!" replied Geordie.

The manager choked and exclaimed, "£124,237.64?? What the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his HondaCivic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki."

The manager, incredulous, said, "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you ended up selling him a boat and a 4x4?"

"Nah, nah......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his missus, and I said, 'Well, since ya weekend's fucked, you might as well gan fishing..'"

[AngryOfTuebrook]

(Another FB steal - this time, direct!)

 

I was having a great time at the Nazi

karaoke evening.

And then I went and spoiled it all by

saying something stupid like I love Jews.

[Guest davelfc]

Sometimes i squat on the floor and put my arms around my knees and lean forward...

 

...thats just how i roll!

[Sandford]

A man is walking down the street when he runs into his friend. But there's something different about him: his friend has an orange for a head.

 

So the man asks his friend, "Hey man, why do you have an orange for a head?"

 

And his friend replies, "Well I was digging through the trash and I found a magic lamp. I rubbed it and a genie popped out and promised me three wishes."

 

The man then says, "That's cool, but why do you have an orange for a head?"

 

His friend replies, "Well for my first wish I asked to be the richest man in the world, and 'poof!' I had tons upon tons of gold bullion at my feet."

 

The man shuffles and asks again, "Okay, but why do you have an orange for a head?"

 

His friend smiles and says, "Wait, wait. I'm getting there. For my second wish I wished for the most beautiful woman in the world to be my bride, and 'poof!' there she was, the very likeness of Helen of Troy."

 

The man, dumbfounded and quite anxious asks once again, "Okay, but why do you have an orange for a head?!?"

 

To which his friend replies, "Well, for my third wish, I wished for an orange for a head."

[Redder Lurtz]

Sanford that's fucking ace.

[Sandford]

Sanford that's fucking ace.

 

One of my all time favs. Never fails for me.

[Soup]

My new girlfriend suddenly froze when I dipped my fingers in a pot of KY Jelly and stuck them in her arse for the first time.

 

"Pull them out, now!" she demanded.

 

"Don't you like it?" I asked.

 

"No," she replied, storming out of Tesco.

[Remmie]

What time did Sean Connery go to Wimbledon?

 

 

 

 

Tennish

[md1892]

What looks like a woman and has the mental age of a small child?

 

A woman.

 

 

 

The BBC News channel just displayed images of the three women who claimed that Jimmy Savile interfered with them sexually. They showed a current picture of each of the women and a picture taken of each of them from the 1970s.

 

The caption read: Now, then. Now, then. Now, then.

[md1892]

My girlfriend was putting sun cream on.

 

"Do you mind doing my back?" she asked.

 

"Let's pretend I'm your butler" I winked. "My name's Dawes."

 

"Ok!" she giggled, "Would you mind doing my back, Dawes?"

 

And that was all the invitation I needed...

[Guest Pistonbroke]

My girlfriend was putting sun cream on.

"Do you mind doing my back?" she asked.

"Let's pretend I'm your butler" I winked. "My name's Dawes."

"Ok!" she giggled, "Would you mind doing my back, Dawes?"

 

And that was all the invitation I needed...

[Guest davelfc]

My girlfriend was putting sun cream on.

"Do you mind doing my back?" she asked.

 

"Let's pretend I'm your butler" I winked. "My name's Dawes."

"Ok!" she giggled, "Would you mind doing my back, Dawes?"

 

And that was all the invitation I needed...

[Lee909]

Hello....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello.......

[TheBitch]

*something about smashing someone's back doors in*

 

An oldie for you peeps now...

 

 

 

A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow , worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.

 

The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?

 

The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home pished, he threatens to slap me aroon'."

 

The Doctor says: "Aye, wel l... I have a real good cure for that.

When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.

Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is

sound asleep."

 

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

She says: "Doctor that was effin brilliant!

Evrae time ma hubbie came home pished, I swished with water.

I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once!

 

Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How does the water do that?"

 

The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret.

The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."

[md1892]

There's definitely a fucking echo in here