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A man walks into a bar with his dog and says to the barman "This is my dog, it can talk"

 

"Bollocks says the barman. Prove it, get it to talk and you can have free drinks for the night and some meat for the dog"

 

"Ok. So the man says to the dog: What's the name of that thing above a house?"

 

"The dog replies: roof roof!"

 

"Good. What about that thing around the outside of a tree?"

 

"Bark, bark!"

 

The barman is rightly pissed off and he chucks them out.

 

Whilst walking out of the bar, the dog turns to its owner and says "For fucks you thick cunt, why do you always ask me such stupid questions?"

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1) My girlfriend came home crying the other day. She asked me to console her. So I smashed her in the face with my Xbox.

 

2) I was stood at the cashpoint this morning. An old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.

 

3) I wanked over a blind girl this morning. She never saw me coming.

 

4) I called the rape advice line earlier today. Unfortunately, it turns out its only for victims.

 

5) Statistically, six out of seven dwarves aren't Happy.

 

6) Paedophiles are fucking immature arseholes.

 

7) Did you hear about the Dwarf that got pickpocketed? How could anyone stoop so low?

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7) Did you hear about the Dwarf that got pickpocketed? How could anyone stoop so low?

 

 

 

I tried telling this joke to a dwarf, just to see his reaction...

 

The thick fucker didn't get it at all, it went straight over his head.

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told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'

I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'

I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I take out The Elephant Man?' He said, 'He's not your type.' I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow.'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said, 'Analogue.' I said, 'No, just a watch.'

I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said, 'Kenwood?' I said, 'Where is he then?'

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought: 'That's Aboriginal.'

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Elvis Presley.'

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

I went to the doctor and I said to him, 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, ''The History Of Glue.'' I couldn't put it down.

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

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A young woman who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband’s lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a novelty shop.

 

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned her crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm. "Want some of this?" she purred.

 

"Are you kidding?", he replied, "Look what it did to those panties."

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A guy walks home after buying a cock-sucking frog. He walks into the kitchen, where his wife is doing the dishes, and plonks it on the table.

 

"What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?" she screams.

 

"Teach it to cook and fuck off," he replies.

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A scouser visits a Red Indian camp during a visit to the USA. He's told of an old Chief who can remember everything that has ever happened during his life time. Intrigued, he enters the chiefs tent and says:

 

"Who won the FA Cup in 1965?"

 

The chief raises his head and says "Liverpool".

 

The scouser says "Who scored the winning goal?".

 

The chief looks up again and says "Ian St John".

 

10 years later the scouser visits the USA again and returns to the camp. He walks into the tent, where the chief is hunched over his peace pipe. The Chief wearily raises his head and stares at the scouser.

 

The scouser raises his hand anticipating the traditional Indian greeting and says "How".

 

The chief replies "Diving header".

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So the bride and groom get to the bridal suite, and she strips naked in front of him.

 

"Darling," she says, "Will you love me always?"

 

He says, "Sounds good to me! I'll try your arse first!"

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What's got 147 teeth and holds back The Incredible Hulk?

 

My zip.

 

 

 

 

 

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary

* 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

* 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

* 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

* 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

* 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

* 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

* 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

* 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

* 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

* 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite

thing!

* 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

 

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow --but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

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Some Quotes

 

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope"

-- George Burns--

 

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parked or where he lives, but never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is"

--Barbara Bush (Former US first lady)--

 

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."

--Rod Stewart--

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25 Rules For Being A Man

-You are not a man unless you follow these rules

1. Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

2. It is acceptable for a man to cry if; a heroic dog dies to save its master, someone has just scrached your car, she is using her teeth.

3. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail out a friend in jail within 12 hours

4. If you have known a man for more than 24 hours his sister is off limits for ever - unless you plan to marry her

5. On a road journey, the strongest bladder dictates the pit stops, not the weakest

6. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man

7. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a friends fridge is strictly forbidden

8. Unless you are in prision, never fight naked

9. If a mans fly is open, thats his proble, you didnt see anything

10. Women who claim they love to watch sport are treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers

11. Friends dont let friends wear Speedos EVER

12. You may only drink a fruity alcopop only when; your on a sunny tropical beach........and its delivered by a topless supermodel.......and its free

13. Never hesitate to take the last slice of pizza or the last beer; but never both

14. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she is withholding sex pending your response.

15. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up is you have too.

16. The morning after you and a girl was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken sex, the fact that your feeling weird and guilty is no reason to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was

17. Never talk to another man in a public toilet, a simple nod is the only conversation required.

18. There is no reason for guys to watch mens ice skating or mens gymnastics

19. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without recrimination

20. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who is running late is five minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait ten minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1 - 10 babe scale.

21. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal and moral duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it.

22. The universal compensation for friends who help you move house is beer.

23. Berfore dating a buddys ex, you are required to seek his permission, and he in return must grant it

24. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella

25. Never, ever slap another man

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Women often give nicknames to their boyfriend's dicks.

 

The other day when my bird was giving me a nosh she decided to christen mine 'Impaler' then she died suddenly of an asthma attack.

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The next time your wife or girlfriend refuses to give you a blowjob, just remind her that it's a lot easier for them to drink a spoonfull of milk than it is for you to lick a dead fish!!

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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

 

Her 9 year old son comes home Unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in

the bedroom cupboard to watch.

 

Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home.

 

She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.

 

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

 

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'

 

 

Boy - 'I have a football.'

 

Man - 'That's nice.'

 

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

 

Man - 'No, thanks.'

 

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

 

Man - 'OK, how much?'

 

Boy - '£250'

 

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

 

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

 

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

 

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

 

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'Ok how much this time ?'

 

Boy - '£350'

 

Man - 'Sold.'

 

 

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of footy.

 

 

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'

 

The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'

 

Boy - 'To a friend of mine for a £600.'

 

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing overcharging your friend like that.

 

'That's four times what they cost when they

were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin.'

 

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

 

The boy says, 'Dark in here'.

 

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my fuckin' cupboard now'!!

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A tramp walks into a jewellers, puts his hands down his trousers and starts fingering his arsehole. The sales assistant shouts at him 'Stop what you're doing and get out!' The tramp says 'You want to make your fucking minds up, you've a sign on the window says come inside and pick your ring in comfort.'

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On Valentines day my girlfriend asked me to talk dirty to her.

 

I didnt know whether to say "ride me cowgirl" or "shit on the coffee table".

 

After making my decision and her riding me for 20 mins she jumped off, tripped, fell and smashed her head on the coffee table!

 

Soft landing, mind................

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