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Welcome to the new and improved TLW!

 

Some of you may experience issues logging in and will get an 'incorrect password' error. Don't worry, you haven't typed it in wrong and your password hasn't been changed. You will need to reset it though in order to log in. Click the reset password link and you will receive an email with your new temporary password. Once logged in, you need to choose a new password (or restore to your old one) otherwise you will be locked out again.

 

If you have an out of date email address linked to your account, then you won't receive the new password. If that's the case then you'll need to email me (dave @liverpoolway.co.uk) or send me a tweet @theliverpoolway and I'll update your password manually. 

 

Any other problems or questions just let me know.

 

Thanks

Dave

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Whats the difference between a chicken?

 

One of its legs is both the same.

 

 

2 pigs in the bath, one says to the other, "Percy pass me the soap" Percy says "what do you think I am, a microwave oven"

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Bailey's & Lime

 

Girl & her boyfriend go to the pub. When it's the girl's turn to buy a round, she tells him that she's heard of a wonderful new drink he simply must try.

 

She returns with the usual half of lager for herself. For him, she has two glasses. One contains a measure of Bailey's, the other lime juice.

 

Instructions: "OK, what you gotta do is, you gotta swig the Bailey's, hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice."

 

He looks a bit dubious, but she's very enthusiastic so he decides to give it a go.

 

First the Bailey's; lovely smooth, creamy, warm feeling in the mouth. Then he takes the lime juice.

 

Time + 0.1 secs: The cream in the Bailey's curdles.

Time + 0.3 secs: Boyfriend's face turns the color of fresh lime juice.

Time + 0.6 secs: Boyfriend calms his stomach & swallows the gunge.

Time + 1.5 secs: She whispers in his ear....

 

"It's called Blowjob revenge"

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My bird is well paranoid about me running off with another woman, the other night I caught her examining my clothes. She couldn't find a single blonde, brunette or red hair on any of my clothes.

 

She's now accusing me of fucking Jade Goody!

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Old Bert was turning 80, so a few of his buddies at the nursing home decided to throw in a few bob each and get him a hooker for the night.

 

So as Bert's big day draws to a close, the hooker bursts into his room, throws off her robe, and wearing nothing but a bikini shouts, 'Happy birthday, I'm here to give you some super-sex!!'

 

Bert just stared at her for a second, then replied, 'I'll have the soup, please.'

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The Government has announced struggling pupils are to get one-to-one help with the "Three Rs". Great idea. I did that with my kids.

 

Rohypnol, rimming and rape.

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The boss called me into his office today for yet another bollocking.

 

Calling me a useless shit and all sorts, he reckoned the best part of me ran down my mother's leg.

 

At which point I interrupted him and said, "Sorry, you cunt, the best part of me run down YOUR mother's leg, chin and throat."

 

Needless to say, I'm looking for work now.

 

 

 

 

 

I'm gonna get a joke tattooed on my nob so I can convince myself women are laughing at the joke.

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Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

 

"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

 

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

 

"What a horrible way to die!"

 

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

 

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

 

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

 

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

 

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

 

"Man, what a way to go!"

 

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

 

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

 

"No no, he survived that..."

 

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

 

"I shot him!"

 

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

 

"He was wrecking my house."

 

I'm made to believe that Mike is actually Jason from Friday the 13th. :eek:

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Few of my mates who are mancs were slating stevie g over his assault charge. They kept slabbering on about "how hes a thug, and scum" and shit and when i didnt respond one of them said "mon Richie give us your comeback". I told him if he wanted it he could find it in his sisters throat.

 

 

 

 

Why cant stevie wonder read???

 

 

 

 

 

Hes Black

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Whats the best thing about fucking twenty three year olds????

 

 

 

Theres 20 of them

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Few of my mates who are mancs were slating stevie g over his assault charge. They kept slabbering on about "how hes a thug, and scum" and shit and when i didnt respond one of them said "mon Richie give us your comeback". I told him if he wanted it he could find it in his sisters throat.

 

 

 

 

Why cant stevie wonder read???

 

 

 

 

 

Hes Black

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Whats the best thing about fucking twenty three year olds????

 

 

 

Theres 20 of them

 

 

Dr.%20Evil.jpg

Riiiiight.

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I was on the bus today, and there a group of drunk gothish, emo type teenagers at the back telling jokes;

 

Whats the difference between a Porsche and a hundred dead babies?

I don't have a Porsche in my Garage.

 

 

What is wrong with these Children?

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James, as usual, came home really late one Saturday night after being at the bar all night drinking. Not only was he drunk, he was sloppy drunk. He carefully crept into bed next his wife, who fell sleep angry hours earlier, and gave her a goodnight kiss on the check in hopes that she wouldn’t wake up.

 

He awoke in the middle of the night to a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you,” demanded James, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?” The mysterious man answered “This is not your bedroom, and my name is St. Peter”.

 

James didn’t take the news so well… “You mean I’m dead! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t even said goodbye to my family… you’ve got to send me back right away!”

 

St. Peter replied “You cannot go back as you were, you have passed away James. However, you can be reincarnated - but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” James was devastated, but knowing that there was a farm just down the road from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

 

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking at corn on the ground. “This ain’t so bad,” he thought until he felt a strange feeling churning inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, huh? How are you enjoying your first day here?” “It’s not so bad” replies James, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”. “You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “haven’t you ever laid an egg before?”

 

“Never” replies James.

 

“Well just relax and let it happen.”

 

And so he did, and just a few uncomfortable seconds later an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him - emotions got the better of him as he experienced the joy motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him… ever!

 

The joy of motherhood continued to build and, just as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shout “James, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re shitting the bed!”

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Guest Ulysses Everett McGill

What do you call children born out of prostitution?

 

 

 

 

 

Brothel Sprouts

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I see the price of Oxo cubes and Bovril has shot up again.

The fucking stock market's gone crazy.

 

Why is it you can sue a cigarette company for getting cancer.Mcdonalds for getting fat,but you can't sue stella for all the ugly cunts you've shagged?

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