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Welcome to the new and improved TLW!

 

Some of you may experience issues logging in and will get an 'incorrect password' error. Don't worry, you haven't typed it in wrong and your password hasn't been changed. You will need to reset it though in order to log in. Click the reset password link and you will receive an email with your new temporary password. Once logged in, you need to choose a new password (or restore to your old one) otherwise you will be locked out again.

 

If you have an out of date email address linked to your account, then you won't receive the new password. If that's the case then you'll need to email me (dave @liverpoolway.co.uk) or send me a tweet @theliverpoolway and I'll update your password manually. 

 

Any other problems or questions just let me know.

 

Thanks

Dave

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What happend when Jesus went to mount Olive?.

 

Popeye kicked fuck out of him.

 

 

 

I had a terrible shag last night.... she just lay there, barely moved... I had to do all of the work... and to top it all off, I nearly got caught climbing back out of the morgue window!

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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie

went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old

grandmother and comfort her.

 

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother She

replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday

morning.'

 

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old

having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

 

Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced

age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells

would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and

even. Nothing too strenuous, Simply, in on the Ding and out on the

Dong.'

 

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if

the ice cream truck hadn't come along!

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Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable sex doll.

Guy behind the counter says, ‘Male or female?’

Customer says, ‘Female’

Counter guy asks, ‘Black or white?’

Customer says, ‘White’

Counter guy asks, ‘Christian or Muslim?’

Customer says, ‘What the hell does religion have to do with it?’

Counter guy says, ‘The Muslim one blows itself up’.

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Medical Distinction

 

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed:

 

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

 

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say, 'You're next.'

 

I hope this clears up any confusion. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

 

 

________________________________________________________________

 

All Seniors Aren't Senile!!!

 

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a

beautiful young thing at his side.

 

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

 

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring.

 

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

 

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special s tock and brought another ring over.

 

'Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000' the jeweller said..

 

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

 

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

 

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by cheque.

I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call

the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

 

Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man.. 'There's no money in that account.'

 

'I know,' said the old man,

 

 

'But let me tell you about my weekend...'

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A teenage girl was getting her haircut and halfway through it she started eating a cake. The hairdresser turned around and said, 'You're gonna get hair on your muffin you know', and she said, 'i'm gonna get big tits as well you dirty arl bastard'.

  • Upvote 1

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The police have finally apologised for shooting dead Jean Charles De Menez in a London tube station. They said they got him mixed up with his twin brother Dennis.

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There was a cucumber, a pickle and a penis. The Cucumber says you know what, when i get hard people chop me up and eat me. The pickle says you think thats bad, when i get hard they stick me in a jar that stinks of vinegar. The penis then says, you two get off lightly, when i get hard they put a bag over my head and put me in a darkhole, bash my head against a wall until i get sick all over myself, its that bad when i finally get out i faint!

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Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

 

"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

 

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

 

"What a horrible way to die!"

 

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

 

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

 

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

 

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

 

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

 

"Man, what a way to go!"

 

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

 

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

 

"No no, he survived that..."

 

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

 

"I shot him!"

 

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

 

"He was wrecking my house."

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The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

 

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm,

and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

 

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word

'fascinate, not fascinating'.

 

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was

'fascinated.'

 

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the

word 'fascinate.'

 

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been

burned by Little Johnny before.

 

 

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate',

so she called on him.

 

 

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are

so big she can only fasten eight.'

 

Thank you, thank you so much, I'm here all day.

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The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

 

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm,

and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

 

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word

'fascinate, not fascinating'.

 

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was

'fascinated.'

 

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the

word 'fascinate.'

 

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been

burned by Little Johnny before.

 

 

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate',

so she called on him.

 

 

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are

so big she can only fasten eight.'

 

Thank you, thank you so much, I'm here all day.

 

 

 

I would negg you if I did not secretly want to marry you

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My all time fave joke:

 

Hank, an American, from Florida, is on holiday in London. He's on Trafalgar Square and it's absolutely pissing it down with rain. Proper torrential shit.

He's huddled in a doorway and an English gentleman in a bowler hat walks past under his umbrella and say, "Morning! Lovely weather!!"

The American is highly confused.

"Lovely weather???" He thinks to himself.

"But it's torrential rain?!?! Hmmm.... Oh, wait a minute, I geddit now. That's what tese crazy Brits call 'I-ron-ee'. Brilliant! Now I understand!"

 

Anyway, he returns to sun shine state of Florida and he's back in his garden, with the family, and he's cooking steaks on the barbecue. He goes for a piss and when he comes back he's burnt the steaks to a fucking crisp! About a hundred dollars worth of wasted sirloin.

He calls to his wife, "Hey Honey!", points at the steaks and says, "lovely weather!"

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A guy runs into an ex-girlfriend, with whom he didn't have the greatest relationship. "You know, I was with another woman last night, but I was still thinking of you."

"Why, because you miss me?"

"No, because it keeps me from coming too fast."

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My all time fave joke:

 

Hank, an American, from Florida, is on holiday in London. He's on Trafalgar Square and it's absolutely pissing it down with rain. Proper torrential shit.

He's huddled in a doorway and an English gentleman in a bowler hat walks past under his umbrella and say, "Morning! Lovely weather!!"

The American is highly confused.

"Lovely weather???" He thinks to himself.

"But it's torrential rain?!?! Hmmm.... Oh, wait a minute, I geddit now. That's what tese crazy Brits call 'I-ron-ee'. Brilliant! Now I understand!"

 

Anyway, he returns to sun shine state of Florida and he's back in his garden, with the family, and he's cooking steaks on the barbecue. He goes for a piss and when he comes back he's burnt the steaks to a fucking crisp! About a hundred dollars worth of wasted sirloin.

He calls to his wife, "Hey Honey!", points at the steaks and says, "lovely weather!"

haha just superb.

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This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous

ex-girlfriend who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if

I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

 

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be

interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that

old magic. I was flabbergasted.

 

'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now,' I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than

when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the

energy I used to have.' She just giggled and said she

was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'

 

'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider

these days! Not to mention my lack of muscle tone...stuff sagging, my teeth not as white and jowls like a Great Dane!

 

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.? She teased Me, saying that tubby, grey-haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

 

Then she giggled, 'I've put on quite a bit of weight myself!'

 

So I told her to fuck off.

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A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

 

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

 

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, ’You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.’

 

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

 

One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return. Two o’clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

 

She quietly called him over to her. ‘Unbutton my blouse and take it off,’ she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

 

‘Now take off my boots.’ He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

 

‘Now take off my socks.’ He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

 

‘Now take off my skirt.’ He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

 

‘Now take off my bra.’

 

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

 

Then she looked at him and said, ’If you ever wear my clothes into town again,you’re fired.’

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A woman goes into a shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

 

A shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

 

He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”

 

She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

 

He says, “That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It’s a good all around combination; and it’s on sale this week for only $20.00.”

 

She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”

 

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

 

“Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,” he says.

 

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is

no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.

 

The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”

 

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00?

How did you get $34.50?”

 

He replies,” Yes, Ma’am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”

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One night, a policeman was busy making the rounds in his small town. Around midnight he spotted two old maids sitting in a car in a used car lot. The policeman approached the car and asked the ladies, “Excuse me, but why are you sitting in a car on this used car lot after business hours? Are you trying to steal this car?”

 

“Good heavens, no!” one of the ladies said, “I just bought this car today, officer.”

 

“Have you come back tonight to drive your car home?” the policeman asked.

 

“Not at all,” the woman replies, “I don’t have a driver’s license.”

 

“Then why did you buy this car?”

 

“Well, we were told by our friends that if we bought a car from this used car lot, that we’d get screwed. Now we’re just waiting here for our screwing, and we’re not leaving until we get it!”

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A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the

first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

 

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign

attached that said:

 

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

 

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs

and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

 

They walked to the second pen which had a sign

attached that said:

 

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

 

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said,

'That's more than twice a week! You could learn a

lot from him.'

 

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign

attached that said, in capital letters:

 

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

 

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke

her husband's ribs, said, 'That's once a day. You

could REALLY learn something from this one.'

 

The husband looked at her and said, 'Go over and

ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

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