Jump to content
  • Sign up for free and receive a month's subscription

    You are viewing this page as a guest. That means you are either a member who has not logged in, or you have not yet registered with us. Signing up for an account only takes a minute and it means you will no longer see this annoying box! It will also allow you to get involved with our friendly(ish!) community and take part in the discussions on our forums. And because we're feeling generous, if you sign up for a free account we will give you a month's free trial access to our subscriber only content with no obligation to commit. Register an account and then send a private message to @dave u and he'll hook you up with a subscription.

Recommended Posts

 

'...I took my son out for his first pint.

 

Got him a Fosters. He didn't like it, so I drank it

 

Then I got him Carlsberg. He didn't like it, so I had it.

 

It was the same with bot Guinness and Cider.

 

By the time we got onto whisky, I could hardly push the pram.'

  • Upvote 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

One for TK:

 

My new girlfriend and I were travelling to meet my parents, when she got a flat tyre I called my mum and said 'Sorry, we're going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture'.
'Oh, for fucks sake', she replied, 'I thought you had a real one this time'.

  • Upvote 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

DEAR NEIGHBOUR:

Hi, Morris .

This is Saul, next door. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. When you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently. I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you.- Saul.

 

Morris, feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shot Saul dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Morris then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Saul.

 

SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:

Hi, Morris. Saul here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed "Wi-Fi" to "wife".

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My nan rang me yesterday to tell me that she had lost some of her Agatha Christie books about the amateur female detective. This morning she called to say that the DVD box set of the series based on the books had gone missing.

I think she's loosing her marples.

  • Upvote 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share


×
×
  • Create New...