Joke!

[Clem H Fandango]

I've got a french stepdad.

 

he's my faux pa.

[AngryOfTuebrook]

What do cannibals eat to freshen their breath?

 

Men toes.

[Clem H Fandango]

Two old communists relaxing at a nudist resort;

“Tell me, comrade, have you read Marx?”

“Yes, I think its these wicker chairs”

[Lario]

Every time I stand up too quickly, I see Goofy, Donal Duck and Mickey Mouse.

 

Doctor reckons I'm suffering from Disney spells!

[VladimirIlyich]

22 minutes ago, Lario said:

Every time I stand up too quickly, I see Goofy, Donal Duck and Mickey Mouse.

 

Doctor reckons I'm suffering from Disney spells!

Two Scottish drunks,Jock and Walter. Jock likes whisky but Walt dis nay.

[Clem H Fandango]

A Polish man walks into specsavers for an eye test.

 

The optician shows him the test card, and on it says:

 

"C Z W J X N Y S A C Z"

 

The optician then asks him "Can you read that?"

 

The Polish man says "Read it? I know the cunt!"

[AngryOfTuebrook]

What was Beethoven's favourite fruit?

 

Ba-na-na-naaa!

[Alan Sex]

The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.

In the window he sees a record called "Wasps of the world, and the sounds they make".
 Intrigued, he walks into the store.
He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, and I can identify any one of them just by listening to the sound it makes!"

He smiles smugly as the shopkeeper fanes interest.
 The wasp expert pays and leaves. When he gets home he puts the record on.

"Bbzzzzzzzzz" it goes, but the man is stumped, he doesn't know what type of wasp this is! He waits for the next track.

"Bbbbzzzzzzzzzzzz" and again, he can't identify which species of wasp this is!

It gets to the fifth track and he breaks down in tears. He can't identify a single wasp yet he thought he was the world's leading expert! He calls his old professor round to the house to help, when he arrives he explains to him,

"I thought I was the best in the wasp business, but I can't identify a single wasp on this whole record!" He says, still in tears.

The old professor ponders for a minute as he looks at the record.

"Ah, I know what the problem is"

Says the professor.

"What? what is it?!"

-"you've got it on the B-side"

[AngryOfTuebrook]

Why do melons have weddings?

 

Because they cant elope. 

[VladimirIlyich]

5 hours ago, Alan Sex said:

The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.

In the window he sees a record called "Wasps of the world, and the sounds they make".
 Intrigued, he walks into the store.
He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, and I can identify any one of them just by listening to the sound it makes!"

He smiles smugly as the shopkeeper fanes interest.
 The wasp expert pays and leaves. When he gets home he puts the record on.

"Bbzzzzzzzzz" it goes, but the man is stumped, he doesn't know what type of wasp this is! He waits for the next track.

"Bbbbzzzzzzzzzzzz" and again, he can't identify which species of wasp this is!

It gets to the fifth track and he breaks down in tears. He can't identify a single wasp yet he thought he was the world's leading expert! He calls his old professor round to the house to help, when he arrives he explains to him,

"I thought I was the best in the wasp business, but I can't identify a single wasp on this whole record!" He says, still in tears.

The old professor ponders for a minute as he looks at the record.

"Ah, I know what the problem is"

Says the professor.

"What? what is it?!"

-"you've got it on the B-side"

Superb.

[Evelyn Tentions]

 

 

Russian Jew named Jacob was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel.

At the Moscow airport, a customs inspector found a statue of Lenin in his luggage. "What is this?"

Jacob replied, "Wrong question, comrade. You should have asked 'Who is this?' This is Comrade Lenin.

He laid the foundations of Socialism and created the future prosperity of the Russian people.

I am taking it with me as a memory of our dear hero."

The Russian customs official sent him on his way.

At Tel Aviv airport, the Israeli customs official also asked "What is this?"

"Wrong question, sir. You should be asking 'Who is this?'

This, my friend, is Lenin, the bastard who caused me, a Jew, to leave Russia.

I take this statue as a reminder to curse him every day."

The Israeli official sent him on his way.

When he settled in his new home, Jacob placed the statue on a table.

The following evening, he invited friends and relatives to dinner.

Spotting the statue, one of his cousins asked, "Who is this?"

Jacob replied, "Wrong question. You should have asked 'What is this?'

This is five kilograms of solid gold that I managed to bring with me without having to pay any customs duty or tax."

The Moral:

"Politics is when you can tell the same shit in different ways to fool different people and come out smelling like a rose!

[Nelly-Szoboszlai]

A scouser is out walking in Wales when he passes a local farm and stops to talk to a local. 

 

Scouser : "That your dog?"

Welshy : "Aye"

Scouser : "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshy : "Dog doesn't talk.”

Scouser : Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshy : (look of shock)

Scouser : Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshy)

Dog: "Yep."

Scouser : How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."

Welshy : (Look of total disbelief!)

Scouser : "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Welshy : "Horse doesn't talk.”

Scouser : "Hey horse how's it going?"

Horse : "Cool."

Welshy : (Extreme look of shock!)

Scouser : "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welshy)

Horse: "Yep."

Scouser : "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather."

Welshy : (Look of total amazement!)

Scouser : "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Welshy : "That sheep's a fucking liar!!”

[Clem H Fandango]

 

I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas

 

There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count.

[halewood pete]

The wife is furious with me because I didn't open the car door for her.

I just panicked and swam to the surface.

[bigthrusts]

Why did Courtney Cox?

 

Because Lisa Kudrow.

[Clem H Fandango]

A king suspected that his queen was being unfaithful

So he secretly taped a tiny razor blade to her vagina.

 

Three days later, he ordered his knights to drop their pants.

 

They all had bandaged penises, except for one.

 

The king said to him, "I always knew you were my most loyal knight!"

 

He replied, "It wath nothing, your magethy"

[Clem H Fandango]

A 3 month pregnant woman Is involved in a road accident and falls into a deep coma.

 

6 months later she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

 

Doctor: Don't worry. You had twins, a boy and a girl and your brother named them for you.

 

Woman:  Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name them?

 

Doctor: The girl he has named as Denise

 

Woman: Wow , That's not too bad at all .  What about the boy?

 

Doctor: Denephew

[bigthrusts]

Andrew Lloyd Webber will ignore restrictions and reopen his theatres on 21st June “come hell or high water”.

 

Not his words. Tim Rice’s.

[Alan Sex]

While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. After two days, the doctor tells him, “I’ve got bad news for you, you have contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US. We know very little about it."

The man perplexed asks, "Well, can’t you give me a shot or something to fix me up, Doc?"

The doctor answers, "I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We are going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not !! I want a second opinion... !!!"

The doctor replies, "Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ahh... yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease."

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Amelican docttah, always want operate, make more money that way. No need amputate!"

"Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.

"Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two weeks. Fall off by itself."

[Stickman]

Just been rear-ended in my car by an ice-cream van...

 

I’m now suffering from Mr Whippylash

[Clem H Fandango]

i was chatting up a bird and she told me she was a sergeant in the police force.

 

Anyway, Tina asked me if i wanted to spend the night at hers which i gladly accepted.

 

The next morning, she offered me eggs, bacon, beans and sausages.

 

I said to her, "Don't fry for me sergeant Tina!"

[Clem H Fandango]

Just started the Adam ant diet......  Don't chew ever Don't chew ever

[Clem H Fandango]

Had to go to the doctors yesterday, after I became breathless while eating a bowl of rice.

He thinks I might be Basmatic.

[Remmie]

I found this joke hilarious when I was about 9:

 

Fuck, Shit and Manners were sitting on a wall having a joke when Shit fell off. Manners went to check on him. Then a policeman walked past and asked what's your name? Fuck! said Fuck. Where's your Manners? Round the corner picking up Shit!

[Clem H Fandango]

I ran into the vets this morning and said to the receptionist, "Quick, I think my hamster is in serious trouble."
"Hamster?" she laughed, "That's a snake."