Joke!

[easytoslip]

It was the best of my life , arrived at the church and walked up the aisle , my wife waiting at the altar , kissed her on the cheek and closed the lid.

[AngryOfTuebrook]

[Tj hooker]

[Davelfc]

A programmer is going to Asda and his wife tells him, "Buy a pint of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer goes, buys everything, and drives back to his house. Upon arrival, his wife angrily asks him, "Why did you get 12 pints of milk?" The programmer says, "There were eggs!"

 

[AngryOfTuebrook]

[Karl_b]

Just spotted Sinead O'Connor bird-watching. Asked her how she was getting on, she said "So far it's been 7 owls and 15 jays".

[AngryOfTuebrook]

[VladimirIlyich]

12 hours ago, AngryofTuebrook said:

Ooof. That's a borderline gag.

[sir roger]

The top ten one-liners from the Edinburgh Festival

 

"Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy" - Richard Stott

 

"What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh" - Milton Jones

 

"A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'" - Jake Lambert

 

"A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it" - Ross Smith

 

"Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning" - Ross Smith

 

"I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it" - Adele Cliff

 

"After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging - Richard Pulsford

 

"To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian" - Mark Simmons

 

"I've got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts" - Ivo Graham

 

The winner was

 

' I keep shouting Broccoli and Cauliflower at random , I think I have got Florets '

[General Dryness]

The cowboy one is fucking brilliant. Tickled me, that has.

[Scooby Dudek]

12 hours ago, General Dryness said:

The cowboy one is fucking brilliant. Tickled me, that has.

That is an old Tim Vine one. I am sure the guy didn't know but as soon as I read it I remembered it from years ago. 

 

 

EDIT:

2:34 into this clip

 

 

[Trumo]

All the other 9 are way better than the winner.

[AngryOfTuebrook]

It's just been announced that the Great Devon and Cornwall Music Festival has been cancelled. It's not because of the weather apparently, the organisers couldn't agree on whether to put The Jam or Cream on last.

[Davelfc]

My wife left because I am insecure. 

 

No wait, she's back. She just went to put the bins out. 

[AngryOfTuebrook]

A robot goes into a cocktail bar and says "I need to loosen up; give me a screwdriver. "

[AngryOfTuebrook]

[AngryOfTuebrook]

[AngryOfTuebrook]

[Davelfc]

My wife kid kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions, but don't worry I will return. 

[Nelly-Szoboszlai]

People are so sad letting off fireworks so early. It's only the middle of October.

 

One of them frightened my cat so much that it ran straight up my Christmas tree! 

 

[AngryOfTuebrook]

[Remmie]

I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but thetoilets were out of action, so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes. 

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?" 

[sir roger]

Wasn’t sure whether this would go here or in the small pleasures thread. Mystic Reg always gives me a chuckle in the Sunday Echo.

[Trumo]

Cheers for that, sir.

[halewood pete]

Not one of my normal posts,bit more serious this.

If anyone knows of any lonely old people who will be eating alone

On Christmas day because they have no family or close friends can 

You let me know please?

I need to borrow some chairs.