Joke!

[Sugar Ape]

A mum listens in on her four year old playing with his train set and hears:

 

" All those on getting off, go on fuck off, and all those getting on best fucking hurry up "

 

So the mum smacks his bum and sends him upstairs until he's learned his lesson. Two hours later and the boy comes down and apologises and is allowed to carry on playing with his train set, with his mum listening in.

 

" All those departing the train, thank you for travelling with us and have a good day. All those boarding, please mind the gap and have a safe journey... And all those who are upset by the two hour delay, blame the fat cunt in the kitchen! "

[magicrat]

[AngryOfTuebrook]

Enya's next three fixtures. 

 

  Sale    (a)

  Sale    (a)

  Sale    (a)

[Trumo]

People keep making fun of my dwarf girlfriend because of her height.

 

To cheer her up I’m going to buy her some flowers, chocolates and wine and then run her a nice hot sink.

[General Dryness]

1 hour ago, Trumo said:

People keep making fun of my dwarf girlfriend because of her height.

 

To cheer her up I’m going to buy her some flowers, chocolates and wine and then run her a nice hot sink.

If you're lucky she might go up on you.

[AngryOfTuebrook]

[VladimirIlyich]

On 10/21/2018 at 10:15 AM, Bobby Hundreds said:

Used to be a lemonade van that came round ours called Liverpops. Pop and lemmo where both used. Bright green cream soda, the good stuff.

 

 

The Alpine man Cream Soda and Dandelion and Burdock were ace.

[Dr Arthur De Sabre]

7 hours ago, VladimirIlyich said:

The Alpine man Cream Soda and Dandelion and Burdock were ace.

Alpine was the only xpenno option down by ours, most of us were on cheap Oi Schofields (once the leccy man had paid out)

[VladimirIlyich]

3 hours ago, Arthur Friedenreich said:

Alpine was the only xpenno option down by ours, most of us were on cheap Oi Schofields (once the leccy man had paid out)

Schofields took over once Alpine went bust.

[sir roger]

Anybody who chose cherryade from the Alpine wagon was a wrong'un.

[Dr Arthur De Sabre]

8 hours ago, VladimirIlyich said:

Schofields took over once Alpine went bust.

In Halewood they ran concurrently, and the shape of yer lemo bottle was a huge social signifier. Alpine bottles were also better for hot knives - due to being thicker.

[General Dryness]

2 hours ago, Arthur Friedenreich said:

In Halewood they ran concurrently, and the shape of yer lemo bottle was a huge social signifier. Alpine bottles were also better for hot knives - due to being thicker.

Hot knives? Surely you mean a lung?

 

As far as I remember, the only requirement for hot knives was two knives and a stove.

[Trumo]

I asked 100 girls what shampoo they prefer to use while taking a shower.

 

They all replied, "How did you get in here?"

[AngryOfTuebrook]

I was asked today about how I viewed lesbian relationships

Apparently 'in 4K ultra high definition' wasn't the right answer

[AngryOfTuebrook]

As we stood outside her front door, she kissed me and whispered, "Do you want to stay here tonight?"
"No," I replied, and went home.

Why would I want to stand outside her front door all night?

[Dr Arthur De Sabre]

22 hours ago, General Dryness said:

Hot knives? Surely you mean a lung?

 

As far as I remember, the only requirement for hot knives was two knives and a stove.

Ah GD, at the tender age of 12/3 we would be raiding the cash box on the top of

me mates telly, getting together a flim, nicking 2 knives and a bottle of lemo / milk. Then heading to the woods,

insert one life into bottle and shake till knife removes bottom, heat knives over fire, smoulder weed between hot knives in bottom of bottle and draw up through the top.

cheapest way of getting hammered, and nicotine free for yer vegan health nut types

[Redder Lurtz]

What's pink and slippery?

 

A pair of pink slippers.

 

 

What's grey and can't swim?

 

A castle. 

 

 

[AngryOfTuebrook]

There was a knock at the door. When I answered, I saw this little fella; he was only about 3 foot 3.

 

I said "What do you want?"

 

He said "I'm the metre man."

[Alan Sex]

A man is going down on his girlfriend and says “Man, you have a big pussy. Man, you have a big pussy.”

 

She snaps back “That hurts, and why on earth would you say it twice?”

 

He replies “I didn’t “. 

[SilverSong]

1 hour ago, Alan Sex said:

A man is going down on his girlfriend and says “Man, you have a big pussy. Man, you have a big pussy.”

 

She snaps back “That hurts, and why on earth would you say it twice?”

 

He replies “I didn’t “. 

"I didn't, I didn't"

[Sugar Ape]

My friend's wife bought a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up their sex life. She put them on, together with a short skirt, and sat on the sofa opposite her husband.

 

At a strategic moment she crossed and uncrossed her legs until her husband finally noticed and said "are you wearing crotchless panties?"

 

"Yes," she answered seductively. "Thank christ for that" he said, "I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa"

[Sugar Ape]

In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath? Answer: Throw in your washing.

We were all having a good laugh about this when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said '' I don’t find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during a fit''

I said '' Sorry mate did he drown?''

“No” he said ……….'' he choked on a sock ''

[Sugar Ape]

A man walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm.

Bartender asks him "What's up with the octopus?" 

He responds "$1000 says my octopus can play any instrument you put in front of it"

Bartender says "Alright, lets see it. Have it play the piano in the corner"

The guy puts the octopus on the piano and it plays it, beautifully. 

People start bringing it other instruments, guitar, trumpet, accordion, it plays everything with ease.

Then someone places a set of bagpipes in front of it. It pokes around, turns it over, lifts up the drones, but doesn't play it.

The man leans in and says "Come on, play it! you're embarrassing me!"

The octopus looks up and says "Play it? I'm gonna fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get it's pajamas off!"

[Trumo]

Ordered 4 Kindles off Amazon. They sent me a Two Ronnies DVD.

[Alan Sex]

As my sperm dripped down my wife’s chin, I looked her in the eyes and asked “Do you like that?”  

 

 

“No,” she replied, “what the fuck is in this sandwich?”