Joke!

[Guest Pistonbroke]

A Native American brave was curious as to how he had received his name. So he went to speak to his father, the chieftain of the tribe.

"Father," he asked, "how is it that I acquired my name.

The noble chieftain began a long narrative for his youngest son.

"Well, my son, I named you and both of your brothers for an event which occurred on the day each of you were born. For example, the day your eldest brother was born, I saw a deer running swiftly through the forest, so I named him Deer Running Swiftly.

"Likewise, when your middle brother was born, the rain was pouring hard outside of the wigwam, so I named him Rain Pouring Hard.

"Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

[redheart]

Done my good Christmas deed for the year!

 

I was standing behind an old lady at the checkouts and her shopping came to £51.56. After counting out all her money she had just under £50. I felt really sorry for her and thought ‘That’s probably someone’s Grandma’. She didn’t want me to help her but I insisted and in no time at all we had all her shopping back on the shelves.

[Guest Pistonbroke]

Breaking News:

 

A man has been shot with a starting pistol. Police think it may be race related. 

[AngryOfTuebrook]

My Plumber accidentally hooked our Boiler up to our toilet and we didn't notice.
A few weeks later I started getting Hot Flushes.

[Alan Sex]

Sorry, but I need to vent....

Yesterday I experienced the WORST customer service at a shop in town, I don’t want to mention the name of the store because I’m not in the habit of publicly rubbishing people or businesses. (Even if they DO deserve it)

Two days ago I bought something from this store. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn’t work. So yesterday, less than 24hrs later I took it back to the store and asked if I could get a refund. The girl in the store told me

“NO”, even though I still had the receipt. I asked if I could get a FREE replacement instead.

Again she said “NO”. I asked to speak to the manager now as I was really not happy and I explained that I had just bought the item, got it home and it didn’t work. The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was “out of luck”. No refund. No free replacement. Grrrrrr.........

I’ll tell you what........ I am NEVER buying another SCRATCH LOTTERY TICKET from there again

[AngryOfTuebrook]

What's invisible and smells of worms?

 

 

Bird farts.

[Alan Sex]

Youths have stolen all the bus stop signs down my road.

Where do they get off?

[Thoth]

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

[Alan Sex]

I bought some of those flavoured condoms the other day.

 

I said to my wife “let's play a game, I put one on and you try to guess what flavour it is.”

 

She closed her eyes, went under the blanket and said “cheese and onion flavour.”

 

I said “for fuck sake give me a chance to put one on!!!”

[magicrat]

The guy from Wigan that came so much in his condom it burst and got his sister pregnant

[Alan Sex]

Paddy was telling Mick about taking his first parachute jump, “when I got to the door I couldn't jump. My 6'7" man mountain instructor unzipped his fly and drops out 14" and says “If you don't jump, you're gonna get this baby right up your arse.".

 

Mick says, 'Did you jump?”

 

Paddy says, “A bit, when it first went in.”

[Trumo]

A man goes to the doctor and says, “I've got this sex problem, Doctor.”

 

“Well,” says the Doctor, “Tell me about your average day.”

 

“Well, it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up about 3:00am for a quickie, and then again about 5 o’clock so we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work.”

 

“Oh I see,” says the Doc.

 

“No, hang on,” says the man. "You see, when I get on the train to work, I meet this girl every day and we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there.”

 

“Oh…now I see,” says the quack.

 

“No you don’t,” says our hero. “When I get to work, my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom.”

 

“Oh…now I see,” replies the quack.

 

“No no no,” the man replies. “When I go to lunch, I meet this dinner lady I’m very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie.”

 

“Now I understand,” says the patient doctor.

 

“No, hang on,” says the bloke. “When I get back to work in the afternoon, my boss - a very demanding lady I might add - has to have me or she says she’ll fire me.”

 

“Ahh…,” says the doctor, “now I see...”

 

“No, there’s more,” our man insists. "When I get home, my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blowjob before dinner and then we have sex after dinner.”

 

“What’s your problem?” asks the doc.

 

“Well, it hurts when I have a wank.”

[Duncan Clench]

Went to the vets today with an embarrassing problem. My chameleon won’t change colour. The vet diagnosed the problem as a reptile dysfunction.

[magicrat]

Chameleon walked into a bar but no-one saw it.

[Sputnik1]

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

 

What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

[AngryOfTuebrook]

A local pet shop was selling spiders but I managed to get one for free off the web

[AngryOfTuebrook]

I got into an argument about masturbation.

 

I managed to hold my own.

[AngryOfTuebrook]

I live my life following three unwritten rules

1.
2.
3.

[AngryOfTuebrook]

What goes "Moo, Baa, Oink, Woof, Meow.?"

A cow that can speak 5 languages

[Duncan Clench]

My Grandparents were called Pearl and Dean, although we just knew them as Granny and Grand pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa.

[ZonkoVille77]

A man runs into a bar and shouts "I've been graped, I've been graped!!!"

The bartender says, "Do you mean raped?"

"No" says the man, "There was a bunch of them"

[SammyAftershave]

Three contractors are bidding to refurbish the fence at 10 Downing street. One is from Birmingham, another is from Liverpool, and the third is some geezer from London.

All three go with a Downing Street official to examine the fence. The Brummie contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.  "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about £900. £400 for materials, £400 for my crew, and £100 profit for me."

The Scouse contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for £700. £300 for materials, £200 for my crew, and £200 profit for me."

The geezer from London doesn't bother to measure or figure, but leans over to the Downing Street official and whispers, "£2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the others! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The fella whispers back, £1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the fella from Liverpool to do the job."

 "Done!" replies the government official..... And that is how Carillion was born.....

[Alan Sex]

As I lay in bed I was gently nodding off when I felt a warm hand slip inside my boxer shorts and gently start to caress my balls. It was very nice, but I wasn't in the mood. "Not tonight" I said "I'm tired."

 

"It doesn't quite work like that in here" said my cellmate.

[Alan Sex]

I went to a fancy dress party in Birmingham where the theme was "spice".

 

I went as a chilli but everyone else was an astronaut.

[A Red]

2 blokes knock on a door in a pit village in Yorkshire -

 

A woman answers "can we talk to your husband please?"

 

"Who are you" she replies

 

"We're from the CID"

 

"Hes down the garden in the greenhouse, what do you want with him"

 

"Well", they reply, "The're have been a lot thefts recently from the pit and we're investigating all houses in the vicinity"

 

"I can assure you my husband wouldnt do anything like that, 27 years hes worked down that pit and he is as honest as the day is long"

 

"We're sure he is madam but all the same we need to carry out our investigations, can we take a walk down the garden and have a word with him?"

 

"Of course you can, but dont walk, take the conveyor belt"