Joke!

[halewood pete]

My brother Dave has just been diagnosed with Alzheimers,I hope it doesn't run in the family because my brother Dave has got it too.

[Guest davelfc]

I was explaining to my wife how sometimes I feel really high and then really low.

 

She said, "Dave, get off the fucking swing."

 

 

 

 

 

 

More people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.

[md1892]

John Terry won't be facing trial for racial abuse until after Euro 2012.

 

So he's free to lead his country into Poland.

 

Just like his hero did.

[md1892]

As I blew my daughter a kiss at the school gates, one of the other fathers looked at me in disgust. "Are you fucking your own daughter?" he asked.

 

"Erm... No..." I said, looking very sheepish. "Is it wrong for a father to blow a kiss to his daughter?"

 

"No," he replied. "But it's wrong for her to catch that kiss and then rub it on her minge."

[Guest davelfc]

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

[Guest davelfc]

Great news! I have finally found a prostitute who charges by the inch. Obviously i can't afford her, but i thought it might be a cheap night out for you lot.

[Guest davelfc]

Reebok have released new ultra skin tight cycling shorts for women called 'Mumblers'..

You can see the lips move but you can't make out what the cunt's saying!

[Guest davelfc]

paddy takes his goldfish back complaining it suffers from epilepsy,shop owner says it looks calm enough to me,paddy says u av'nt taken it out the fuckin bowl yet.

[Guest davelfc]

Man gets home, tells wife

'Get me a beer before it starts'

he drinks it then says

'Quick get me another before it starts'

again she gets it he drinks it & says

'another before it starts'

She says

'Listen here you lazy fat cunt, you walk in, sit down & start barking orders...

He says 'Fuck me it's started'

[Guest davelfc]

Just bought some sainsbury sausages. There's a picture of Jamie Oliver on the front. On the back it says 'prick with fork'.

Cant argue with that!

[AngryOfTuebrook]

What's invisible and smells of worms?

 

Bird farts.

[AngryOfTuebrook]

What's green and smells of bacon?

 

Kermit's finger.

[Guest Pistonbroke]

I'll never forget how happy i was when i saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age but eventually there she was, stood beside me. I gave her a cheeky wink and said, "Get that trolley over here love, they're doing 3 cases of Stella for the price of 2."

[brucespanner]

I saw a girl on the bus today who had a black eye and broken cheek bone.

I was going to say something, but I thought to myself it's pretty obvious she doesn't listen.

[Yoda]

Two cats are going to have a race to see who can swim from Dover to Calais. First is called one two three, the other une deux trois.

 

Which one gets to Calais first?

 

One two three because une deux trois quatre cinq.

[Guest davelfc]

Alzheimers Test How fast can you quess these words with missing Letters?

1. F_ _K

2. PU_S_

3.S_X

4.P_N_S

5. BOO_S

6. _ _NDOM

 

Answers:

Warning! The following content is NOT WORK SAFE. Click the Show button to reveal.

1. FORK

2. PULSE

3. SIX

4. PANTS

5. Books

6. Random

You got all 6 wrong didnt you?

 

Well Congratulations! You dont Have Alzheimer's But you are a Pervert.

[brucespanner]

Alzheimers Test

 

Did I ever tell you my Alzheimer's joke?

[Guest davelfc]

I often send text messages to random numbers that say

 

"Guess whose restraining order's expired!?"

 

Eventually I'm bound to get a hysterical reply.

[Guest davelfc]

My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession to write about everything that happens in our marriage on the internet.

[md1892]

Warning! The following content is NOT WORK SAFE. Click the Show button to reveal.

Luis Suarez has apologised for not shaking hands with Evra.

"I didn't realise it was him," he said. "They all look the fucking same."

[md1892]

'It's not right, but it's okay'

 

...sings Whitney Houston's coroner as he slowly unbuckles his belt.

[halewood pete]

Whats black and wrinkled and floats in the bath ?

 

No! not Whitney Houston you sickos.... Trevor McDonalds ballbag !

[halewood pete]

Whats six inches long and didnt get sucked on valentines day?

 

Whitney Houstons crackpipe

[Guest The Big Green Bastard]

How does Justin Bieber remove a condom after sex?

 

He farts.

[halewood pete]

Friend of mine went to Switzerland for an assisted suicide.

He arrived just in time for breakfast,and the sick fuckers offered him Cheerios !!