Joke!

[TheBitch]

The gorgeous woman from next door popped round today and said,"Hello handsome, are you free tonight?"I said, "Er... wow... yes, yes I am."She said, "Brilliant, can you watch my daughter while I go out?"Ah well, when one door closes, another one opens.

[nev1612]

Are those jokes from Live at the Apollo tonight? What's the guy's name?

 

"I think women that say 'size doesn't matter' are just shallow"

 

Brilliant

 

Stewart Francis???? Didn't see it but I knew he was on.

[Guest davelfc]

Stewart Francis???? Didn't see it but I knew he was on.

 

Yes it was him, he does those one liners brilliantly. Reminds me of Bob Monkhouse as he was a master of them. i.e. the die in my sleep like my father not screaming in terror like the passengers on his bus. Or sex at 75 is easy, I live at 73 so it's just next door.

 

I call it diversion comedy, take your mind one way and then swing it the other. It's probably my favourite as it's usually fast flowing unlike comedians that just tell a story which most of the time is not very funny and must be to a totally pissed audience. Much like the giant Greg Davies who was on before him and while mildly amusing at times was pretty poor. Yeah you're tall, and you have a gut, look at me I'm cracking up here.

[halewood pete]

Woo hoo ! wifes just agreed to have anal sex, but what the fuck is a strap on ???

[nev1612]

Yes it was him, he does those one liners brilliantly. Reminds me of Bob Monkhouse as he was a master of them. i.e. the die in my sleep like my father not screaming in terror like the passengers on his bus. Or sex at 75 is easy, I live at 73 so it's just next door.

 

I call it diversion comedy, take your mind one way and then swing it the other. It's probably my favourite as it's usually fast flowing unlike comedians that just tell a story which most of the time is not very funny and must be to a totally pissed audience. Much like the giant Greg Davies who was on before him and while mildly amusing at times was pretty poor. Yeah you're tall, and you have a gut, look at me I'm cracking up here.

 

He's quality. Went to watch him live last month and it was top.

[a stoner]

50 gypos turn up at the pearly gates and ask St Peter if they can come in.

Not knowing what to do he decides it's best to ask god.

So St Peter tells the gypos to stay there and he will see god and find out what he says.

St Peter explains to god that there are 50 gypos at the pearly gates that want to come in and he doesn't know what to do.

God says to St Peter to let 4 of them in and they had to decide which 4 it would be.

A couple of minutes later St Peter comes running back to god and says "they're gone!"

"Who" asks god " the gypos?"

"No" replies St Peter "The gates, they've taken the bloody gates"

[Trumo]

Feel sorry for the hypnotist I watched last night. He hypnotised 7 blokes, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled, "Fuck me!" What happened next will haunt me forever.

[halewood pete]

When travelling in extreme weather conditions,the government have advised people to carry a flask of hot tea or coffee,a shovel,a blanket,some rock salt,and a high-viz vest and wellies.

I looked a right knob on the bus today.

[Guest Pistonbroke]

Wikileaks for kids: there's no fucking Santa!!!

[Guest Pistonbroke]

Last night I tried to go out for an Italian Meal, but there was a huge, fat woman standing in the doorway of the restaurant.

 

I couldn't get pasta.

[Guest Pistonbroke]

What does a gynaecologist and a pizza boy have in common?

 

They can smell it, but they can't eat it.

[Magic Sponge]

A group of primary school infants go on a trip to Ascot races to learn about horses. When it's time to take the children to the toilet it is decided that the girls will go with one teacher and the boys with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys is waiting outside when one of the boys comes out to tell her that none of them can reach the urinal. Having no choice, she goes inside and helps the boys with their pants and begins hoisting the boys up one by one holding there willies to direct the flow.

As she lifts one boy she can't help but notice that he is unusually well endowed. Trying not to stare she says

"You must be in Year Four".

"No love" he replies,

"I'm riding Silver Shadow in the 2.15!"

[Guest davelfc]

I'm single and my friend said, "Can I set you up?" I said, "Go ahead." Now I'm doing 12 years for a crime I didn't commit

 

I never let my children watch big band performances on TV. Too much sax and violins

 

My wife asked what it would take for her to look attractive to me. "About half a mile," I said.

 

I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.

 

My wife always finds a reason to hate every girl that I bring home.

 

When I was eighteen, I used to have sex almost every day. Almost on a Monday, almost on a Tuesday . . . .

 

I got a tatoo that says 'NO REGRETS!' but now I'm wondering if that was such a good idea.

 

Denial. The first step is admitting there are no problems.

 

I was an accountant from the ages of twenty to thirty when I was sacked for no apparent reason. What a waste of 14 years.

 

Got asked today, 'How long have you actually worked here?' I replied 'Since they threatened to sack me...'

 

The truth will set you free... unless the truth is, "Yes, I did it."

 

Anyone who says onions are the only vegetable that can make you cry has never been hit in the face with a turnip

 

I asked if she liked my handsome face or my sexy body. After looking me up and down, she said my sense of humor

 

MY Nan complained no one ever calls so I put a "How's My Driving?" bumper sticker on her car. The phone pretty much rings off the hook now.

 

My wife says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found 'mute' by now

 

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

 

These 'energy saving' lightbulbs are rubbish. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones

 

"Now, how's he gonna read that magazine all rolled up like that?"... thought the spider.

 

They probably won't let me join the pessimist club.

 

In dog beers...I've only had one

[halewood pete]

£14 for a full christmas dinner that feeds three,Thats why mums go to Iceland.

 

£10 for an Eighteen year old babe bouncing on your cock all day,Thats why dads go to Thailand.

[Guest LFD]

Did you hear about the earthquake in Cumbria?

 

They are calling it the 'Kendal Mint Quake'.

[halewood pete]

Bristol police investigating the Joanna Yeates case say the murderer stole one of her socks.

Am i the only one thinking Heather Mills ?

[halewood pete]

A scientist has invented a bra that will stop womens tits jiggling when they run and their nipples sticking out when its cold.

His mates have kicked his head in.

[Trumo]

A woman died from diarrhoea after getting anally fucked by 6 guys in the back of a vintage car. The police are calling it a “Pretty shitty gang bang”.

[Elysian Red]

A Duck walks into a bar.

Duck: You got any bread?

Barman: No, sorry, we don't have any bread.

[After a few minutes]

Duck: You got any bread?

Barman: Look, we don't have any bread.

[A little later]

Duck: You got any bread?

Barman: We don't have any fucking bread!

[some time later]

Duck: Got any bread?

Barman: If you ask me if I've got any fucking bread once more I'm gonna nail your fucking bill to this bar......

Duck: You got any nails?

Barman: NO!

Duck: You got any bread?

[Captain Turdseye]

Howard Webb's kids have denied their Dad is a secret Man Utd fan.

"He is totally unbiased," said Alex, George, Bobby, Matt and Cristiano.

[Trumo]

A man flies over to the UK from India but speaks no English. He meets his relatives at the airport and they proceed to teach him some simple words to get him going. As they're leaving the airport they watch another plane taking off, so they point to it and tell him "take-off". Driving home, they see a woman crossing the street so they point her out and say "woman". The next day they take the Indian man to visit the local zoo, and spot a bail of hay near the giraffes. They point it out and tell the Indian man it's "hay". Later on, they are at the zebra enclosure and "zebra" get pointed out to the Indian man. That evening, they're all at the pub and the Indian man is feeling confident enough to try chatting up a woman sitting by herself. He sits next to her and says "hay woman take-off zebra." He didn't know how to explain the red welt across his face.

[a stoner]

What's a lesbian hookers favourite drink.

 

 

 

Horlicks.

 

 

Try the fish I'm here till friday!

Shit it is Friday.

I'll get me coat.

[Mike D]

[halewood pete]

I was in bed with a blind girl I copped off with last night,and she said"thats the biggest cock i have ever felt"

I said "you're pulling my leg"

[Trumo]

I tried that thing today at the petrol station where you try and stop the pump bang on what you want to pay, but I let it go a fraction too late and it stopped on £20.03. "Bollocks!" I shouted as I walked into the shop to pay.

"Unlucky mate," smiled the attendant who saw what I'd done. "Don't worry about the extra."

"Cheers mate," I said as I handed him my tenner and fucked off.