The "things that make you realise you're getting older" thread

[Harry's Lad]

1 hour ago, Section_31 said:

Fuckin A. I had a camera a while back, Japanese prisoner shit.

I have to have that every 3 years. Not painful, just uncomfortable as it hits the curved bit in your colon.

 

The worst thing about that is the stuff they make you drink the day before to empty your bowel. On and off the bog all day and night shiting acidic water. Talk about a red raw ring.

 

Down the japs eye into your bladder, now that's painful, and very embarrassing.

 

Does anybody know where your cock disappears to when you're having a procedure done?

 

Answers on a postcard...

[Superb]

47 minutes ago, Colonel Kurtz said:

I had a prostrate biopsy. The machine they use is basically like a huge dildo with a little knife inside it on the end of a long steel probe. They give you local anaesthetic but they can’t stop you seeing the fucking thing as they wheel you in. Haunts me to this day. 

 

I've seen them before, I think they refer to them as the TK64. 

[johnsusername]

A sneeze is no longer just a sneeze, it's now a potential back injury. 

[dockers_strike]

55 minutes ago, Colonel Kurtz said:

I had a prostrate biopsy. The machine they use is basically like a huge dildo with a little knife inside it on the end of a long steel probe. They give you local anaesthetic but they can’t stop you seeing the fucking thing as they wheel you in. Haunts me to this day. 

You poor lamb. Seriously! Must have been like a condemned man being wheelled to the electric chair!

[Curly]

On 25/06/2021 at 10:07, Section_31 said:

Went to the Liverpool shop to get my uncle a retro shirt for his birthday. Said to the lad 'it's nice this shirt, it's from 2001/2. 

 

"I wouldn't know mate, I wasn't born." 

 

Cunt. 

“Not very good at your job either, are you sunshine?”

[lifetime fan]

7 minutes ago, dockers_strike said:

You poor lamb. Seriously! Must have been like a condemned man being wheelled to the electric chair!

And 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…

[Curly]

2 hours ago, dockers_strike said:

Would be my luck to get a man doctor with fucking fat sausage sized fingers!

I know -  there’d be no point buying a lottery ticket that night

[Curly]

2 hours ago, Elite said:

Some people obviously love it, no idea how as it's painful and not pleasurable at all, the GP obviously didn't hit my G-Spot.

Selfish cunt

[Elite]

1 minute ago, belarus said:

Selfish cunt

Nothing worse than a selfish lover.

[Curly]

26 minutes ago, Harry's Lad said:

I have to have that every 3 years. Not painful, just uncomfortable as it hits the curved bit in your colon.

 

The worst thing about that is the stuff they make you drink the day before to empty your bowel. On and off the bog all day and night shiting acidic water. Talk about a red raw ring.

 

Down the japs eye into your bladder, now that's painful, and very embarrassing.

 

Does anybody know where your cock disappears to when you're having a procedure done?

 

Answers on a postcard...

Haha - I’ve had the camera down the japper and into the bladder a couple

of times. Kecks come down and there sits a little button mushroom waiting to embarrass me. I’ve tried to give it a quick slap into life, but was worried that it would look like I was enjoying myself if I got spotted.

[Section_31]

I've had cameras up the arse, down the cock and throat. Not at the same time I hasten to add. 

 

Always baffles me when they ask you if you want to look at the camera. Fuck do you think?

 

They nearly weren't going to let me home after my arsecepades because my blood pressure and heart rate were so high.

[Elite]

1 minute ago, belarus said:

Haha - I’ve had the camera down the japper and into the bladder a couple

of times. Kecks come down and there sits a little button mushroom waiting to embarrass me. I’ve tried to give it a quick slap into life, but was worried that it would look like I was enjoying myself if I got spotted.

Without fail every time I've gone for a scan on my balls, there's been a student 'observing', which always happens to be a very attractive female, so nothing worse than your cock deciding now's the time to shrink to as small as it can go.

[Curly]

1 minute ago, Elite said:

Without fail every time I've gone for a scan on my balls, there's been a student 'observing', which always happens to be a very attractive female, so nothing worse than your cock deciding now's the time to shrink to as small as it can go.

Haha. Better than sitting there with a rod on full to the tip I reckon though. That would be bad

[Elite]

Just now, belarus said:

Haha. Better than sitting there with a rod on full to the tip I reckon though. That would be bad

Yeah, that would be mega awkward but it will have happened.

 

Jake Buggs 'I've seen it all' should be the official song for the medical profession.

[johnsusername]

Had a young nurse have to stick her finger up my arse for an examination a couple of years ago and I'll not lie, I quite enjoyed it. 

[Harry's Lad]

8 minutes ago, belarus said:

Haha. Better than sitting there with a rod on full to the tip I reckon though. That would be bad

It would if it still resembled the button mushroom you mentioned earlier.

[Captain Turdseye]

The only time I had the finger up the bum it was some really camp Indian doctor who kept calling me “My Dear.” Really helped knowing that he was probably enjoying it. Surprisingly he wasn’t able to diagnose the multiple sclerosis by digging around up my shitter but it was still a good day out. 

[Captain Turdseye]

Which brings me onto this…
 

1 hour ago, Harry's Lad said:

I have to have that every 3 years. Not painful, just uncomfortable as it hits the curved bit in your colon.

 

The worst thing about that is the stuff they make you drink the day before to empty your bowel. On and off the bog all day and night shiting acidic water. Talk about a red raw ring.

 

Down the japs eye into your bladder, now that's painful, and very embarrassing.

 

Does anybody know where your cock disappears to when you're having a procedure done?

 

Answers on a postcard...

 

You don’t have this because of complications with your MS, do you?

 

Say it ain’t so. 

[Captain Turdseye]

Please. 

[Harry's Lad]

26 minutes ago, Captain Turdseye said:

Which brings me onto this…
 

 

You don’t have this because of complications with your MS, do you?

 

Say it ain’t so. 

No mate. Bowel cancer killed my Dad, his brother and very nearly killed his sister, plus my Mum had a section of her bowel removed because of bowel cancer last year, so I'm high risk.

 

The one down my japsy was because I was pissing blood after a bout of Urosepsis which nearly killed me. I'd had it only a few months earlier so they were checking to see if there was anything untoward. Thankfully, there wasn't.

 

Some people with MS have difficulty in completely emptying their bladder which can cause pooling and this can go stagnant which is the main cause of UTI's in MS patients and this is when it can get nasty, so making sure your completely empty (around 100 ml is what should be left) is very important.

 

Hope this helps mate.

 

[Captain Turdseye]

That’ll do nicely mate. Thank you. 
 

 

 

 

*breathes huge sigh of relief*

[Captain Turdseye]

PS. Glad you’re OK and all that. 

[Harry's Lad]

Just now, Captain Turdseye said:

That’ll do nicely mate. Thank you. 
 

 

 

 

*breathes huge sigh of relief*

No problem.

I've been diagnosed a very long time, since 1999, so if ever you need anything, let me know. If I can help, I will.

[Captain Turdseye]

Just now, Harry's Lad said:

No problem.

I've been diagnosed a very long time, since 1999, so if ever you need anything, let me know. If I can help, I will.

 

Noted. Cheers. 

[Elite]

Every time you get a hair cut your hairline edges further away from your face.