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Section_31

The "things that make you realise you're getting older" thread

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1 minute ago, Section_31 said:

Vlad's doctor on his way to a medical conference.

 

 

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Last time I went I just dropped my kecks and assumed the position even though I only had a head cold. The receptionist was mortified!

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I had it done last year as part of a full medical check after I'd had covid, worst 10 seconds of my life.

 

Thank God the doctor suffered from premature ejaculation.

 

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6 hours ago, Section_31 said:

Do they stick their finger up your arse with that one?

Genuine story, my best mate from the earlier story had an STD, he went to the clinic and I went with him. At the hospital (wigan) the std clinic is at the same place as the ear nose and throat clinic. He was about 20 at the time. He'd just bought a new coat for 200 quid. He was a filthy pig for ugly birds as he knew there'd be more chance for business. This wasn't his first visit.  Anyway they decided to check his prostate. He walked out the room then passed out. I ran over all I could hear was some old woman in a wigan accent saying "oooh he's collapsed" my mate came round and kept shouting "my coat, where's my coat "

He later said that the thing down your knob was fine but when they mauled near his arse he went weak legged

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9 hours ago, No2 said:

I was shopping at the weekend and the lady beside me bought a cucumber. When I was 17 I worked in a fruit and veg shop and rightly assumed anyone that bought a cucumber was taking it home to ram it up their fanny. On Saturday, I think for the first time in 25 years I thought to myself that maybe she plans on cutting it up on putting it on a sandwich. That was a sad moment for me,  I preferred the idea of them ramming it up their fannies.

Same with seeing a woman putting any kind of lotion or baby oil in the trolley, its definitely getting massaged sensually into the knockers before heading beanwise to ignite the fireworks.

 

In reality it's probably going on her crusty dry feet. 

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11 hours ago, Elite said:

I had it done last year as part of a full medical check after I'd had covid, worst 10 seconds of my life.

 

Thank God the doctor suffered from premature ejaculation.

 

Did you ask for a second opinion? It's worth it in the end. 

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Stood at the bar with my mate ordering a couple of pints. I mention to him that the pretty young barmaid looked strangely familiar, without missing a beat he said “You’ve probably slept with her Mum”.


There was an moment of sad dawning realization where we both slowly nodded, then an awful moment of memory bank scanning in case there was a bigger question to answer.

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11 hours ago, General Dryness said:

Same with seeing a woman putting any kind of lotion or baby oil in the trolley, its definitely getting massaged sensually into the knockers before heading beanwise to ignite the fireworks.

 

In reality it's probably going on her crusty dry feet. 

Technology has replaced fruit and veg. Men will be next. No man can compete with 4 double A batteries. 

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4 hours ago, Colonel Kurtz said:

Once you get past 55 you live by the adage of never turn the chance to have a pee, never trust a fart and never waste an erection, even if you’re on your own

Fixed that for you.

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8 minutes ago, Section_31 said:

A large proportion of people on the telly are younger than you.

Yep, Greg Wallace is younger than me which is a bit disconcerting. 

He's the one from Inside the fuckin' Factory fame just in case he's unfamiliar. 

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10 hours ago, Colonel Kurtz said:

Once you get past 55 you live by the adage of never turn the chance to have a pee, never trust a fart and never waste an erection. 

That's one of the scariest things I've ever read because it's 100% true.

 

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1 hour ago, Harry's Lad said:

That's one of the scariest things I've ever read because it's 100% true.

 

I’ve seen the future and it’s not great. Screw as many women as you can whilst you’ve got the chance. 

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58 minutes ago, Colonel Kurtz said:

I’ve seen the future and it’s not great. Screw as many women as you can whilst you’ve got the chance. 

And the energy.

I haven't just seen the future, I'm living it and it's worse than you think.

 

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22 minutes ago, lifetime fan said:


I took great delight in phoning me Mam and pointing out she had a 41 year old son. 

Your poor mother

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