Viz Top Tips.

[Flying Pig]

One of life funniest things:

 

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red I wine? Drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed, to remove the stains.

 

MOTORISTS: When going through a speed camera, flash your lights twice quickly and watch the driver in front hit his brakes when he thinks he's been caught.

 

GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

 

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

 

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire - then turn it down three notches. This saves your wife having to do it.

 

DRIVERS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

 

BANGING two pistachio nut shells together gives the' impression a very small horse' is approaching.

 

DON'T waste money on j expensive iPods. Simply think D of your favourite tune and I hum it. If you want to "switch I tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

 

CINEMAGOERS: Have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by using the toilet before the film starts.

 

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

 

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by moving everything into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, move it all back again.

 

CAR THIEVES: Don't be discouraged if nothing is on view. The valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

 

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say: "Know what I'm sayin'" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

 

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

 

EMPLOYEES: Only use the loo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid.

 

SCROOGES: Save money at Christmas by returning last year's cards to the sender with the simple inscription "Same to you".

 

MICRA DRIVERS: Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the thing like a sodding dodgem car anyway.

 

ANGLERS: Attach a helium balloon to your line and bait the hook with an acorn. Then sit under a tree and "fish" for squirrels. An upturned laundry basket would make an ideal keep-net, but don't forget to throw the squirrels back into the tree at the end of the day.

 

SINGLE MEN: Get a glimpse of married life by taping Woman's Hour on Radio 4, then playing it back at a higher volume than the TV while trying to watch something on Discovery Wings.

 

TIGHT-ARSED blokes: Only date girls called Natalie, Carol, Holly or Eve. Chances are their birthday is around Christmas and you won't have to shell out for a present until then, by which time they will have chucked you.

 

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping it into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After three miles, phone your wife to take the egg out the pan.

 

SHOPPERS: Take one grape to the till. It won't register on the low-tech, insensitive scales so you will get it for free. Repeat this procedure 100 times or so and you have yourself a free bunch of grapes.

 

McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

 

A POST-IT Note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal way to foil lip-readers.

 

AMERICANS: Save valuable time by not pending "God bless America" to your every sentence.

 

TOWN COUNCILS: Reduce litter problems by issuing blind folk with pointy sticks.

 

WHEN visiting a motorway service station for a cup of tea and a slice of cake, make sure you arrange your bank loan or second mortgage before you get to the tills, saving time and embarrassment.

 

CYCLISTS: Avoid getting a sore behind by simply placing a naan bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey presto! A warm snack.

 

HOUSEWIVES: Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, circle the soiled area with a permanent pen so that when you remove it from the washing machine you can check the stain has gone.

 

SKY TV viewers: Avoid repetitive strain injury by holding down the "prog+" button on your remote control and taping your finger in place.

 

YOUNG mothers: Calm hysterically crying children in the supermarket by firmly slapping their legs and then tugging them along by the wrist.

 

PHILANDERERS: Avoid the embarrassment of shouting out the wrong name in bed by having flings only with girls who have the same name as your wife.

 

FOOTBALLERS: Remember there is plenty of time to get drunk after your playing career has ended.

 

HORSE whisperers: Speak louder. The animals will hear you more clearly, thus speeding up training times.

 

FEMALE shop assistants: When a garage mechanic comes to your till, add on a selection of random items they didn't know they needed and charge them £50 labour costs for the transaction.

 

SINGLE MEN: Why-aye! Fool folk into thinking you've got a girlfriend by standing ootside Topshop wi' loads of bags

[Flying Pig]

And some more:

 

SINGLE MEN: Convince people you have a girlfriend by standing outside Topshop with bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

R.Lurtz, TLW

 

BUSY executives. Don't buy a Dachshund. Their amusing sausage shape means

they take 50% longer to stroke than other dogs, and time is money.

R Bowen

 

HIGH blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut

yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing

the pressure in your veins

N. Rodwell

Herne Bay, Kent

 

MOTHERS Don't use poisonous shampoos on your children's hair to get

rid of headlice. Scare them away using a dinner plate and an anglepoise lamp

to cast a terrifying 'Independence Day' shadow over your child's head.

A. Feather

Caterham

 

DOG owners. Give passers by the impression that

your dog is well trained by ordering it to do

whatever it happens to be doing already.

J. Kay

Elem, N.P.

 

CREATE instant designer stubble by sucking a

magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron filings.

B. Vilbens

Birmingham

 

I'VE just seen a film where, after a plane crashed

in some mountains, the passengers had to eat each

other in order to survive. All well and good, but

what do the airlines expect vegetarians like myself

to do in similar circumstances? Could scientists

clone 'vegetable people', I wonder, a few of whom

could travel on every flight to provide a vegetarian

alternative to cannibalism in case of disaster.

E. Mullion

Haymarket, Edinburgh

 

MUMS. A strip of banana peel tacked to the bottom of

children's shoes allows them to be towed effortlessly

around supermarkets.

J. Tait

Thropton

 

FOR many years I've kept my legs warm in winter by wearing

ladies' tights beneath my trousers. I've never found it

embarrassing, as they make perfectly good - and economical -

leg warmers. As a pensioner saving money and staying warm

are my priorities. In summer I switch to wearing cooler

and more hygienic stockings and suspenders.

Mr R.Lurtz

Yorkshire

 

CONVERT black labrador dogs into seals by feeding them pastries,

sweets and cakes, starving them of exercise, slipping a pair of

black socks onto their front paws and smearing their coats

in vaseline. Then encourage them to balance a beach ball on

their nose in return for fish-shaped dog biscuits.

R. Crosbie

Cheltenham

 

STOP birds nesting in your garden by collecting all the twigs

and moss in your neighbourhood and hiding it in your garden shed.

P. Reaney

Rothwell

 

STOP squirrels and birds taking food from your bird table by

placing the food inside a biscuit tin, and securing the lid with

heavy duty tape.

P. Reaney

Rothwell

 

PREVENT bees and butterflies stealing your pollen by enclosing

each flower head in a plastic bag securely fastened around

the stem with a clothes pin.

P. Reaney

Rothwell

 

DISAPPOINT wasps this summer by smearing cold tea on your

ears instead of honey.

P. Reaney

Rothwell

 

EMPTY cereal packets make ideal holders for old toilet roll tubes and

milk bottle tops which one should never throw away as they are most

handy, and have a variety of uses.

Mrs A. Ellis

Wrexham

 

WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This

saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be

used for shopping lists.

Mrs P. Hamilton

Arbroath

 

WHEN buying toilet tissue I always unwind each roll carefully and

number the sheets individually using a Biro or felt-tipped pen.

Mrs Howard

Bingley

 

MY husband and I save pounds every year on household wear and tear

by living in a tent in the garden.

Mrs. I. Stokes

Potters Bar

 

HANG a Cornflakes packet on a piece of string in all the doorways of

your house. Bumping into the brightly coloured boxes as you pass

through will remind you to close the door behind you.

Mrs A. Ellis

Wrexham

 

WEIGH toilet rolls on your kitchen scales and record their weight after

each visit to the toilet. On each occasion deduct the new weight from

their previous weight. The figure remaining will be the exact weight of

toilet tissue which you have used on that particular 'visit'.

Mrs Howard

Bingley

 

SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match

in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals

the source of the escaping gas.

N. Burke

Manchester

 

STOP nosey neighbours from knowing which room you're in by

stealthily crawling around the house on all fours.

D. E. Blancharde

Fragsthorpe

 

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books.

Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

Mrs K. Smith

Bristol

[discuit]

utterly brilliant.

[Mook]

[Mook]

I'm in tears reading some of these in the OP.

 

Sheer genius.

 

*not girly Stig tears

[Bjornebye]

Eat broccoli or you'll end up a sanctimonious pretend Chuck Berry wannabe skinny too shit for transporting weirdo 

[tokyojoe]

Haven't got the picture but one was:

 

 

IS YOUR HOUSE ON FIRE?

 

CALL US TODAY.

 

THE FIRE BRIGADE

 

DIAL 999

[Stickman]

[AngryOfTuebrook]

Alcohol makes an ideal substitute for happiness.