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Tonight I will mainly be...


Kopite
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Tonight I will mainly be woken up by every cunt and their dog texting me to ask if I'm out, and where I am.

 

No I'm not out, I'm in bed. Trying to fucking sleep. Or rather I was, until I gave and got up. I hope every bastard one of them is struggling to get a cab about now, and when they get home they're horribly sick and their bedrooms spin.

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Tonight I will mainly be woken up by every cunt and their dog texting me to ask if I'm out, and where I am.

 

No I'm not out, I'm in bed. Trying to fucking sleep. Or rather I was, until I gave and got up. I hope every bastard one of them is struggling to get a cab about now, and when they get home they're horribly sick and their bedrooms spin.

 

So little time, so many toy boys. ;)

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So little time, so many toy boys. ;)

 

I wish. They were all female except one extremely platonic ex-colleague. Plus the boys' Dad who text at 1.30am to tell me he couldn't have the boys next weekend because he's going out for his birthday. I text back "No probs" when really I should have said that I am also going out next weekend for my own birthday so it's tough tit, it's his weekend so it's up to him to find a babysitter. He text me back an hour later "thanks", just to wake me up again.

 

I'm such a huge mug.

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I wish. They were all female except one extremely platonic ex-colleague. Plus the boys' Dad who text at 1.30am to tell me he couldn't have the boys next weekend because he's going out for his birthday. I text back "No probs" when really I should have said that I am also going out next weekend for my own birthday so it's tough tit, it's his weekend so it's up to him to find a babysitter. He text me back an hour later "thanks", just to wake me up again.

 

I'm such a huge mug.

 

Women, God bless 'em. ;)

 

Seriously though, surely he's known about his birthday for weeks, maybe even months? That is not on.

 

I've been off since Wednesday and seen my little boy everyday. He's ace.

 

I've got a video clip of him in his nursery uniform dancing to "In The Night Garden" on my phone. It is the greatest video clip ever (in my opinion of course).

 

However take my best mate. His work dryed up at the end of last month/start of this so for just two weeks he couldn't give his ex-wife the £50 for his kids (he also buys them clothes/anything they need on top of this). Last year he gave her £1000 to help buy herself a car and always puts his kids first when it comes to money.

 

Imagine his surprise when he gets home from work on Thursday and finds a letter from the CSA informing him they are putting an earnings deduction against his weekly wages!

 

The value of the earnings deduction?

 

£15 a week!

 

He's now £35 better off. He's going to make sure the £35 gets spent on his kids of course, but talk about pathetic. The lad didn't have any money, he couldn't even afford to go out for a quick pint!

 

Oh and the reason they split up before the ladies start?

 

Infidelity...

 

...on her side.

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Quality, text her back saying "One of my internet friends says you're a cunt."

 

Very ammusing it was too:

 

Ex - Can we be friends?

PG - No

Ex - Can we be friends?

PG - No

Ex - I want to know why your not talking to me

PG - Tough shit

Ex - I want to know why your not talking to me

PG - Tough shit

Ex - We can talk about it over a beer

PG - If we have too, your paying. You won't like what I've got to say

Ex - Ok

 

Couple hours of silence

 

Ex - Changed my mind, don't want be told what I cunt I am. All the best

PG - This is ridiculous. Make your mind up and stop acting desperate.

Ex - I'm not desperate. Always with the drama. I'm not interested anymore.

PG - You have a high opinion of yourself. Stop wasting your, and more importantly my, time.

 

In hindsight, your reply would have been better and saved me some of my text allowance.

 

Rep'd

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Very ammusing it was too:

 

Ex - Can we be friends?

PG - No

Ex - Can we be friends?

PG - No

Ex - I want to know why your not talking to me

PG - Tough shit

Ex - I want to know why your not talking to me

PG - Tough shit

Ex - We can talk about it over a beer

PG - If we have too, your paying. You won't like what I've got to say

Ex - Ok

 

Couple hours of silence

 

Ex - Changed my mind, don't want be told what I cunt I am. All the best

PG - This is ridiculous. Make your mind up and stop acting desperate.

Ex - I'm not desperate. Always with the drama. I'm not interested anymore.

PG - You have a high opinion of yourself. Stop wasting your, and more importantly my, time.

 

In hindsight, your reply would have been better and saved me some of my text allowance.

 

Rep'd

 

See... I think it would have gone like this with me.

 

EX: Can we be friends?

Me: No.

EX: Can we be friends?

Me: You are shite personified and I'd rather lick stale beer from a tramps asshole than associate myself with scum like you. Cheers for the text.

Ex: Fuck you.

Me: You already did and you were rubbish and your tits are lopsided(doesn't need to be noticibly true). Enjoy.

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Very ammusing it was too:

 

Ex - Can we be friends?

PG - No

Ex - Can we be friends?

PG - No

Ex - I want to know why your not talking to me

PG - Tough shit

Ex - I want to know why your not talking to me

PG - Tough shit

Ex - We can talk about it over a beer

PG - If we have too, your paying. You won't like what I've got to say

Ex - Ok

 

Couple hours of silence

 

Ex - Changed my mind, don't want be told what I cunt I am. All the best

PG - This is ridiculous. Make your mind up and stop acting desperate.

Ex - I'm not desperate. Always with the drama. I'm not interested anymore.

PG - You have a high opinion of yourself. Stop wasting your, and more importantly my, time.

 

In hindsight, your reply would have been better and saved me some of my text allowance.

 

Rep'd

 

In retrorespect, you should have ignored her. She'd have gone absolutely mental.

 

The end result being, if you wanted to obviously, jousting her with the "pink lance" guaranteed.

Edited by Kopite
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Very ammusing it was too:

 

Ex - Can we be friends?

PG - No

Ex - Can we be friends?

PG - No

Ex - I want to know why your not talking to me

PG - Tough shit

Ex - I want to know why your not talking to me

PG - Tough shit

Ex - We can talk about it over a beer

PG - If we have too, your paying. You won't like what I've got to say

Ex - Ok

 

Couple hours of silence

 

Ex - Changed my mind, don't want be told what I cunt I am. All the best

PG - This is ridiculous. Make your mind up and stop acting desperate.

Ex - I'm not desperate. Always with the drama. I'm not interested anymore.

PG - You have a high opinion of yourself. Stop wasting your, and more importantly my, time.

 

In hindsight, your reply would have been better and saved me some of my text allowance.

 

Rep'd

 

Why the hell did she keep repeating herself? A blatant mentalist, unless she's a parrot. That would drive me crazy.

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In retrorespect, you should have ignored her. She'd have gone absolutely mental.

 

Thing is, I have been for a couple of months. We both work for HBOS and our paths sometimes cross. Everytime she speaks to me about something work related or trying to make small talk, she'd get a very short response.

 

I'd also been ignoring her random bull shit texts.

 

Then on Thursday and Friday I get e-mails at work and texts at night pretty much the same as the above. I couldn't have been blunter that I have nothing to say to her but still she's kept pushing it.

 

I didn't want any hostilities between us, I just wanted to get on with the way I was going (ie: seeing as little of her as possible). We'll now be at loggerheads.

 

For no reason now, I feel guilty as we have fallen out now. If she'd had just left me alone, as requested, we wouldn't be in this posistion

 

Why the hell did she keep repeating herself? A blatant mentalist, unless she's a parrot. That would drive me crazy.

 

I don't know. I'd kind of started seeing somebody else and allegedly she's split from the person she was seeing. Seem's rather convenient.

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Take her out, bump her on the back of the head with a shovel and bury her in a recently opened grave in the local cemetry.

 

It's worked for me so many times.

 

But hurry up, the cold weather doesn't half make digging tough.

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Take her out, bump her on the back of the head with a shovel and bury her in a recently opened grave in the local cemetry.

 

It's worked for me so many times.

 

But hurry up, the cold weather doesn't half make digging tough.

 

Could do.

 

Your right, I don't want to let the ground get hard. If it did, the temptation to make her dig the hole herself would be too great.

 

She could catch me off guard, twat me with the shovel and then run off into the woods.

 

I'd chase her, but even though I've been in the forces (where I was chin up champion), I'd get lost, run around in circles and wouldn't be able to find my way back to the car.

 

I bet I'd end up chasing her all night in the snow and cold. I'd probably lose my shoe. I'd have to eat Tic-Tacs & packets of Ketchup to survive.

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Hehehe, continuing the theme. My mates missus took his eldest out to buy some new Rugby boots.

 

He gets a text whilst we're in the pub watching the Chelsea/Man Utd game.

 

"He's found some boots that he likes however I need £40 off you to get them. Am I ok to buy them?"

 

I dare him to text her back with "As per the CSA letter I'll give you £35" (the £50 he was giving her less the £15 earnings deduction imposed by the CSA).

 

He adopts my idea and sends the text. There is no reply...

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Could do.

 

Your right, I don't want to let the ground get hard. If it did, the temptation to make her dig the hole herself would be too great.

 

She could catch me off guard, twat me with the shovel and then run off into the woods.

 

I'd chase her, but even though I've been in the forces (where I was chin up champion), I'd get lost, run around in circles and wouldn't be able to find my way back to the car.

 

I bet I'd end up chasing her all night in the snow and cold. I'd probably lose my shoe. I'd have to eat Tic-Tacs & packets of Ketchup to survive.

 

See you've over thought it already. It's easy. Pull over somewhere and say the wheel is pulling, you've got a flat tyre. From the back of the car (boot open) shout "Pass me the torch from the glovebox will ya"

 

wait........ bang.

 

Easy.

 

Just avoid this trick wth big birds or geordies as hitting them on the head with a shovel is part of the mating ritual apparently.

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