Slapper Stories

[Fowlers God]

I remember when I used to have sex.

[Josef Svejk]

I remember when I used to have sex.

 

As a friend used to say to me at school, "Palmela Handerson is always happy to oblige"...

 

[AL66GOLF]

said about a certain lady of easy virtue in our school (20+ years ago)

"She was a carpenters best friend, flat as a board and easy to screw"

[Markmywords]

I answered the door of my mates house one sunday morning after a big night and found an ex girlfriend of mine on the doorstep. I say ex girlfriend, she never really qualified as a girlfriend because surnames were never exchanged.

 

It was clear that my mate, Stu, had been sorting her out on the sly after I'd finished with her. The sly pair of cunts.

 

Anyway, she's asking for Stu (who was upstairs with another bird) so I told her he couldn't come to the door because he was upstairs with another bird, but if she wanted to come in and take her pants off then I'd happily give her one in the lounge with my hungover horn.

 

So she came in and took her pants off and I happily gave her one in the lounge with my hungover horn.

 

Slappers - they don't make them like they used to.

[The Acolyte]

I only heard the tale the other day and I was nearly sick when I was told it.

 

To walk out of a room and now instantly is just rank, she must of stunk surely.

 

Not necessarily. Caught a dose of a bird whose pussy tasted great!

[Wor Horse]

Some lad I know ate a banana out of his bird's minge.

[Captain]

This thread is fantastic. I thought I had a story to share, but it pales into insignificance compared to this.

[mht1892]

funniest/sick story ive ever heard was a few years back two mates of mine pulled these two birds and went back to my mates house, my one mate goes upstairs with this bird and starts banging her.

 

Hes goosing her for about 15 mins then all can hear is this massicve scream downstairs followed by "you dirty fucking cow get out" birds starts crying says sorry and runs out the door, he goes downstairs to see what was wrong and this is what happened......

 

It turned out my mate downstairs he was having a feel and she starting sucking him off for a bit then he went to go down on her, shes on her back all horny and willing so he takes off her dress and kecks, then just as hes about to dive in he sees this almighty crusty shit stain all down her inner thigh, the bird only fucking shit herself !!!!!

[RoboRiise]

This isn't strictly a slapper story, she was actually a really sweet girl, but it's worth telling.

 

Back when I was 17 I was seeing this girl for a couple of months - she was 16, pretty (but not what you'd call a knockout) and had a fucking incredible figure. We went to the pictures one night, saw about five minutes of the film when we came up for air and then went back to hers. Her mam was supposed to be out with a friend or some shit but we get back and find out she's at home. Still, I wasn't about to write the night off because of a minor setback so we go in and she introduces me to her mam.

 

So we're sitting in the front room with the telly on; me and her on the settee and her mam in an armchair. My bird is leaning against me, gently stroking the inside of my thigh through my jeans and my appreciation of this is becoming increasingly obvious. Even at 17, I realise that this is a pretty tolerant reaction from a parent - her 16 year old daughter is after all getting fresh with a lad who looks about 20, has long hair, an earring and is wearing a W.A.S.P. Animal (Fuck Like A Beast) t-shirt, right in front of her. Anyway, she asks her mam if she wants a brew, mam says yes and my bird beckons me into the kitchen to "give her a hand".

 

Obviously I gave her a hand (or more accurately, 2/5ths of one) whilst the kettle was boiling, then as we're about to head back into the front room I suggest going upstairs, figuring that if her mam is happy for her daughter to tease me in front of her, she's hardly going to object to us "going to listen to some tapes." But no, she just looks at me like I'm insane and says her mam wouldn't be having it. She was a bright girl and must have read the look of utter confusion etched on my face, before assuaging it with three little words that I will never forget.

 

"My mum's blind."

 

So, we're back in the front room on the settee watching telly. Well, her mam's watching telly. OK listening to telly. Meanwhile, I'm watching her daughter rubbing my cock through my jeans and admiring the way her nipples look when I fuck about with them. Then I'm snogging her daughter's face off, whilst she rubs my cock through my jeans and I re-introduce her to the digits she had become acquainted with earlier, utilising the access provided by her newly-lifted skirt.

 

Then she gets my cock out.

 

There was no way I was going to tell her to stop - at 17 I spent 95% of my waking hours horny enough to fuck a knothole in a floorboard and she was damn good at that shit; also her mam was far from being a looker but the sheer fucking dirtiness of the whole scene blew my 17 year old brain, it was proper Fiesta Reader's Wives tackle.

 

The only problem was that although her mam's sight was apparently deficient, her hearing seemed to be perfectly adequate, necessitating complete silence to avoid being well and truly busted. Even some heavy breathing or an inadvertent gasp would have blown the whole thing wide open. To this day, I have absolutely no idea where I found the self-control from. The upshot of this was that when my bird (who was usually very vocal) came, she avoided screaming by biting my shoulder hard enough to draw blood and leave a scar that took about five years to disappear.

 

I immediately discovered that the sharp pain from this unanticipated assault had been the missing ingredient in the already heady cocktail of handjob, apparent maternal voyeurism and epic tits and promptly spuffed fucking everywhere. Hand, jumper, settee, carpet, the works. She was at least partly to blame for the sheer scale of the dispersal; she was waving it around like a fucking lightsaber.

 

I let out a strangled moan which I quickly converted into a coughing fit for the benefit of her mam, but as I realised just how much of the front room I'd managed to seed, I started pissing myself laughing, as did she. This prompted her mam to ask what we were laughing at, which only served to send us both into hysterics.

 

I'll never forget the sight of her on her hands and knees wiping jizz off the carpet with a kitchen towel whilst her mam sat there listening to Michael Aspel on the telly.

 

I still have no idea whether her mam was really blind.

[RoboRiise]

I see TSO is lurking on this thread. Don't read that post, you'll likely lose what little respect you may have for me ;-)

[The Special One]

Some bird I was seeing told me she had 9 one night stands in 4 years (she's only 20) she then said 'i'm such a slag' and forgetting she wanted me to reassure her I replied 'it's so true'

 

she didn't speak to me for about 2 days after that.

 

Bitch.

 

Did she fuck you after though?

 

I see TSO is lurking on this thread. Don't read that post, you'll likely lose what little respect you may have for me ;-)

 

To be honest I find it hard to believe she was thick enough to want to have sex in front of her mum but thought it was a bad idea to take you upstairs. Err she could have pretended you'd stepped out. If you were jizzing all over each other without her hearing it I doubt she woulda heard your feet on the stairs.

 

Just my opinion like.

 

Cracking story either way.

[AngryOfTuebrook]

Some lad I know ate a banana out of his bird's minge.

What? Did he just find it there?

[Chinandeler Bong]

I met this girl once, within months I'd touched her tit. About 18 month later she touched my stiff willy. Bought her an engagement ring. We finished. Whatta player!

 

Watch and learn lads, watch and learn.

 

I just woke the mrs bursting out with laughter.

Brilliant.

[Chinandeler Bong]

What? Did he just find it there?

 

No. He ordered a Banana Split.

[The Special One]

No. He ordered a Banana Split.

 

And Al told me and Bogman to keep our day jobs!

[Chinandeler Bong]

And Al told me and Bogman to keep our day jobs!

 

Ah , I couldn't resist mate.

[RoboRiise]

To be honest I find it hard to believe she was thick enough to want to have sex in front of her mum but thought it was a bad idea to take you upstairs. Err she could have pretended you'd stepped out. If you were jizzing all over each other without her hearing it I doubt she woulda heard your feet on the stairs.

 

Just my opinion like.

 

Cracking story either way.

 

 

She could have, you're right. Fact is, it was pretty obvious that she was into it - she was a bit rum to say the least. We were totally silent until the critical moment though, like hypersexed teenage ninjas. That was one of the most erotic things about it really, we were both teasing the shit out of each other, trying to force each other to make a noise.

 

I don't think she'd have actually nailed me in front of her mum (and there's no way I'd have been able to keep quiet if she had) but events well and truly overtook any serious pondering of the issue.

[Chinandeler Bong]

Was out on the razz one night , me and me mate knew these two girls , one fit as fuck one fat as fuck. Anyway we all went back to mine for a few jonny razzers and that and crashed out. Minutes later the really fit one tapped me on my arm and asked if she could share my bed? Yes please I said. So she's down to her bra and knickers in my bed and she starts rubbing me up. Nice. She proceeds to go down on me and starts to smoke the big fella , I cant get it up though. Brewers droop. She works at it for a bit then decides to ' take matters into her own hands' if you know what I mean. But still nothing. Now this bird is one of the fittest yer ever gonna meet and here's me with drippy dick. Couldn't fuckin believe it. Have never seen her since but fuck me I was sad.

[Juniper]

Fuck it

 

Another one of my multiple partner stories. Used to live with one of my bands a few years ago. The lads all went out one night, I stayed in and had a chilled night at home. About 4am a couple of people were banging on my door and woke me up. Got up and opened to the door to find two young felines asking if they could chill with me as the lads were pissed and pestering them for sex.

 

Of course I said yes, pointed to my sofa and I got into bed. But low and behold, they got in too. About five minutes later whilst all cuddling one of them started to play with my cock, the other stroking my chest.

 

Next thing I know ones sat on my face while the other's riding me to the sound of the guys outside trying to coax the girls back downstairs.

 

Man, I fucking loved living with my band. So many stories

 

(this story is 100% true by the way)

[The Special One]

She could have, you're right. Fact is, it was pretty obvious that she was into it - she was a bit rum to say the least. We were totally silent until the critical moment though, like hypersexed teenage ninjas. That was one of the most erotic things about it really, we were both teasing the shit out of each other, trying to force each other to make a noise.

 

I don't think she'd have actually nailed me in front of her mum (and there's no way I'd have been able to keep quiet if she had) but events well and truly overtook any serious pondering of the issue.

 

Fair dos. Wasn't saying you were lying or anything just found bits hard to believe. I'm sure half the stories in here are made up but what stories they are!

[Chinandeler Bong]

jnp reminded of another one.

 

After a night out me and a few mates , girls and boys, back at mine for a few like. Pop to the loo and walk in and catch 2 of the girls getting a but jiggy with it. Score.

They foolishly asked me to not to make a fuss and keep it quiet. Anyway , after most had left these 2 stayed over and of course I took full advantage. Both in me bed one riding me the other friggin herself off. Then a bit of swapsies and jobs a goodun.

[razor]

I wasn't there for this, but I have it on good authority. A lad I know was having it away upstairs somewhere in Warrington after a night out. Some awful noises coming from up there, then a loud crash and bang and heavy footsteps. Someone is running down the stairs.

 

The lad comes rushing into the front room where everyone is chilling, covered in blood. Not a pretty sight at 3am.

 

"Get an ambulance!" he cries. "Do something! Ahhhh, I've snapped my banjo!"

 

And, dear readers, he had.

[Juniper]

I wasn't there for this, but I have it on good authority. A lad I know was having it away upstairs somewhere in Warrington after a night out. Some awful noises coming from up there, then a loud crash and bang and heavy footsteps. Someone is running down the stairs.

 

The lad comes rushing into the front room where everyone is chilling, covered in blood. Not a pretty sight at 3am.

 

"Get an ambulance!" he cries. "Do something! Ahhhh, I've snapped my banjo!"

 

And, dear readers, he had.

 

See, all off my stories are from when I was living there.

 

I have one from tonight. Girl from Warrington came down to see us play in London earlier on. Said she wants to be the band service girl (ie the nosh girl)

 

I'd also like to add though most Warrington ladies are of a very respectable nature.

[manwiththestick]

See, all off my stories are from when I was living there.

 

I have one from tonight. Girl from Warrington came down to see us play in London earlier on. Said she wants to be the band service girl (ie the nosh girl)

 

I'd also like to add though most Warrington ladies are of a very respectable nature.

 

Crikey, i must have gone all the wrong places then!

[Harry Squatter]

My mate looks like a more fucked version of Johnny Rotten but for some reason he's shagged about 270 (+ or - 10) women. Everyone is surpised about this but he has a talent that some men will always want - he seems to find women who are ridiculously easy and who he can manipulate for his own perverted sexual gratification.

 

He cheated on his bird who he actually loved approximately 50 times with some complete and utter slags. One time he shagged her mate while his bird was at work, however, his bird came home during a split shift when she said she would stay in work, he told her mate to hide under the bed half naked and he banged his bird in the bed he'd just fucked her mate in who was hiding under the bed. Once he'd banged his bird and she went back to work he got the "spare bird" as he called her out from under his bed and somehow managed to get her to suck him off even though he hadn't been for a shower and he'd been shagging his bird about 10 minutes previously. The stupid twat used to record all of these incidents in a diary and wondered why he got told to leave and go and live in binbag towers him when she found the diary and read it.

 

He started going out with some 19 year old bird who was half decent with big massive tits, she was quite quiet and seemed like a nice girl, however after going out with him for six months, she'd had threesomes with no less than 11 of his mates. I never actualy found out her proper name as he only ever referred to her as "Threesome bird". He got arrested for assault once and had to do community service, some fella who was painting the railings with in a park in Waterloo and started moaning about his bird doing his head in. My mate got on the blower to Threesome bird and told her to get a taxi to his, he then turned round to this random fella on his community service and said "Right, fuck this off lad, come back to mine for a threesome with this slag i know". She banged both of them and even agreed to it being filmed.

Edited February 27, 2010 by Doctor Troy