Slapper Stories

[melons]

Until you realise that somewhere out there, probably on a Cardiff f**tball forum there is a man telling stories about you Melons, nobody is safe.

 

Dont you mean every F**tball forum.

 

Both negged.

 

Cardiff?? its a 4 hour drive, i'm closer to Hull in terms of journey time.

 

 

Every??

 

 

Actually may be those negs are harsh, people could just be saying how great a person i am. Fuck it those two earlier, Andriy and subdude hurt my eyes, i was pondering if it would be harsh should i neg them so being a soft touch I left it. You guys should know better, you can feel free to forward your pain there way if it helps.

[23_Carra_Gold]

A mate of mine nailed some whores in Thailand (inc a pre-op Trannie but that's another story) and on the way back his knob starting stinging. He went for a piss on the plane and it was pure puss. By the time he got back he could hardly walk and his knob was oozing constantly.

 

He phones the clinic before he'd unpacked and managed to get a cancellation appointment that afternoon. He had all the tests and had caught;

 

syphillis

gonorrhea

clamidia

NSU

 

He also had an AIDS test but that was the only thing he didn't catch. They gave him antibiotics for the does but after 2 weeks of having to wear bog-roll down his pants to catch the puss oozing out of his cock it still hadn't gone. Turns out he's got a brand new strain of gonorrhea and the only thing they could hope would shift it was a massive dose of antibiotics. The doc actually asked him if he could write up his case for a medical journal.

 

Call me a sceptic...but...

[Unrighteous]

Fucking hell, he came back a little fucking virus monkey!

[Fowlers God]

Just me or is everybody else holding their dicks reading that shit

[Carradona]

This thread needs more stories from Lance and a few from Zeek.

[Get Carter]

A few years ago me and my mate pulled these 2 birds on a night out in town and went back to mine. Anyway i was upstairs with mine and my mate downstairs with his. I get up the next morning and ask my mate how he had got on! He said he was having a smooch and went to put his hand down her drawers... she stops him and says he cant he apologises and says "is it that time of the month" to which she replies "no its just that i had an abortion on tuesday"... he said it killed the moment!!!

[23_Carra_Gold]

A few years ago me and my mate pulled these 2 birds on a night out in town and went back to mine. Anyway i was upstairs with mine and my mate downstairs with his. I get up the next morning and ask my mate how he had got on! He said he was having a smooch and went to put his hand down her drawers... she stops him and says he cant he apologises and says "is it that time of the month" to which she replies "no its just that i had an abortion on tuesday"... he said it killed the moment!!!

 

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

 

Perfect comedy timing. That is class.

[Unrighteous]

I've got a good one from when I was Ibiza (actually, a few REALLY good stories from Ibiza)

 

I was in Hush, which is a small nightclub in San Antonio, and I was absolutely shithoused. Anyway, I'm kind of wandering around and not sure why I'm there, where my friends are, or whats going on really... and I see one of the tables has a bunch of girls at it. So, I head over there and they'll all fairly decent so I start talking to them.

 

One of them, a girl from Newcastle, whom was surprisingly pretty fit, was like, "Well, you're a sexy one aren't you." Even in my drink addled brain, I know I'm in... so essentially I was chatting her and her mate up and rubbing this ones pussy under the table. Her mate, who is also digging me a bit, and I are making out a little bit... but some weird female mental speak must have stopped what I was thinking was going to be another threesome for that trip. Gutted.

 

Anyway, I'm asking this girl where she is staying, and let's go there, etc. etc. but she's saying those dirty four letter words like: "Can't" "Won't" but I'm still rubbing on her fanny.

 

I figure, alright, I take her hand and put it on my cock under the table and she starts rubbing me, and I've moved her pants to one side and I'm fingered her at the table and finally she goes, "Come with me." grabs my hand and leads me to the ladies.

 

She checks the stalls and takes me into one, yanks my shorts down, and sits me down on the toilet. After a bit of sucking, she rolls down a johnny, and hops on and rides me for what seems like ages until we both finish up.

 

Anyway, I was like, "So, want to head back to yours now?" because at this point I just want to go to sleep as its late and I'm hammered, and I've pulled for the second time this evening.

 

She was like, "No, I don't want my friends to know that I've shagged anyone" and starts to get her stuff together.

 

I take off my socks and use them to clean myself up without standing out with my cock in the sink, and I put my shoes back on... and we open the stall, and the one I was making out with earlier is standing there and goes, "OH MY GOD!" and storms off, and her friend chases after her. So, I quickly head to the exit and fuck off.

 

Gotta love shags from slags.

[Fugitive]

I've got a good one from when I was Ibiza (actually, a few REALLY good stories from Ibiza)

 

I was in Hush, which is a small nightclub in San Antonio, and I was absolutely shithoused. Anyway, I'm kind of wandering around and not sure why I'm there, where my friends are, or whats going on really... and I see one of the tables has a bunch of girls at it. So, I head over there and they'll all fairly decent so I start talking to them.

 

One of them, a girl from Newcastle, whom was surprisingly pretty fit, was like, "Well, you're a sexy one aren't you." Even in my drink addled brain, I know I'm in... so essentially I was chatting her and her mate up and rubbing this ones pussy under the table. Her mate, who is also digging me a bit, and I are making out a little bit... but some weird female mental speak must have stopped what I was thinking was going to be another threesome for that trip. Gutted.

 

Anyway, I'm asking this girl where she is staying, and let's go there, etc. etc. but she's saying those dirty four letter words like: "Can't" "Won't" but I'm still rubbing on her fanny.

 

I figure, alright, I take her hand and put it on my cock under the table and she starts rubbing me, and I've moved her pants to one side and I'm fingered her at the table and finally she goes, "Come with me." grabs my hand and leads me to the ladies.

 

She checks the stalls and takes me into one, yanks my shorts down, and sits me down on the toilet. After a bit of sucking, she rolls down a johnny, and hops on and rides me for what seems like ages until we both finish up.

 

Anyway, I was like, "So, want to head back to yours now?" because at this point I just want to go to sleep as its late and I'm hammered, and I've pulled for the second time this evening.

 

She was like, "No, I don't want my friends to know that I've shagged anyone" and starts to get her stuff together.

 

I take off my socks and use them to clean myself up without standing out with my cock in the sink, and I put my shoes back on... and we open the stall, and the one I was making out with earlier is standing there and goes, "OH MY GOD!" and storms off, and her friend chases after her. So, I quickly head to the exit and fuck off.

 

Gotta love shags from slags.

 

That is where all the workers go after work. It's fucking class in there between 4-6am.

 

The birds in Ibiza are little filth pots and I fucking love them. It's the workers who are the worst. Bed hopping is like an Olympic sport over there and I love it.

[Malarkey]

That is where all the workers go after work. It's fucking class in there between 4-6am.

 

The birds in Ibiza are little filth pots and I fucking love them. It's the workers who are the worst. Bed hopping is like an Olympic sport over there and I love it.

 

I'd give my left nut to work in Ibiza, Fuge.

 

Hint. Hint.

[Fugitive]

I'd give my left nut to work in Ibiza, Fuge.

 

Hint. Hint.

 

Get a flight over in May and you shall have a job. The problem is that we recruit at the start of May but don't actually start them until Mid-June.

 

getting a job in Ibiza is one of the easiest things ever. You can quit a job and be in a new one half an hour later. The good jobs go quick though.

 

PR jobs are really easy to get but you need to be good at it to make money.

 

A poor PR may make €15-25 a day and live like a scruff.

An average PR can make €30-50 a day and live comfortably.

A Good PR can make €50-100 a day and live like a King.

 

Ticket selling is the same but Bar work is almost impossible for first time workers. Some Bar staff get paid €150-200 a day.

[The 5th Benitel]

This isn't really a slapper one cos i was going out with her for years but thought i'd be allowed it cos it's a Friday. Plus, if anyone is a big enough twat to impose rules on a thread like this their opinion shouldn't count anyway.

 

 

Years ago i had to leave my part time uni job cos i started going out with my boss. I used to go clubbing with people i worked with quite a bit and, cos we were a couple, she started to come to. She worked in Comet and so used to get stuff dead cheap and one day she got a camcorder for next to nothing. Me and her went out that weekend and when we got in decided to film ourselves goosing. It was neither of our greatest performances and the next day pretty much forgot we'd done it.

 

The next Saturday we went to Cream with the Comet crew. Just as we were leaving my mate rang and asked me to bring camera round to film everyone wrecked when we got back. I did but on way round to his it occured to me what was on the tape but i decided that we would almost definately tape over what was on there (it wasn't that long) and i'd be there watching it anyway so i'd just press stop when the bit with us partying had finished.

 

Now, that night i took the knock quite badly. I went to bed in mates spare room and basically passed out. Next thing i woke up with my bird on top of me screaming "NOOOO!". They'd watched the tape of themselves partying, that then changed to me and her in The Blue Planet Aquarium, it then changed to her bent over our settee in a french maid outfit and flicking her bean.

 

Bear in mind this is in front of a room full of her staff and their girlfriends/boyfriends. Turns out out footage was taken about 30-40 mins into the tape and not at the start as i'd thought.

[Rico1304]

Call me a sceptic...but...

 

Well we called him septic...

 

It's all true, he's a mine of stories like that. When he was in his 20's the clap clinic in Stockport was in a hospital called St Thomas' and he was there that often he was on first name terms with the staff.

[odris]

Both negged.

 

Cardiff?? its a 4 hour drive, i'm closer to Hull in terms of journey time.

 

 

Every??

 

 

Actually may be those negs are harsh, people could just be saying how great a person i am. Fuck it those two earlier, Andriy and subdude hurt my eyes, i was pondering if it would be harsh should i neg them so being a soft touch I left it. You guys should know better, you can feel free to forward your pain there way if it helps.

 

Unfortunately i very much doubt that.

[Ezekiel 25:17]

Andriy Vornonin, more stories please anyway I'll do a few and in truth have forgot some classics becasue of copious ale intake, anyway i'll keep them brief...

 

Went back to a girls with her and her mate, started shagging her whislt her other mate fell asleep, about an hour in she started saying she felt bad (maybe she had a fella, don't know) anyway she climbed off got in the single bed where her mate was asleep in, I then also got in the bed behind the mate, hands started wandering, she seemed game so her knickers came down, I started shagging her whilst she was clinging on to the mate I'd just shagged, two minutes later we were out the bed and she'd pulled a bag out with a mssive dildo in it. I was fucking her with that whilst wanking and her mate was lying in bed watching it. Back of county road that took place, classy girls.

 

Walking a bird out of town, begging for me to take her to mine, couldn't so I lay her down on the bench in front of the liverpool shop. Put my jumper down so she wouldn't get wet (pardon the pun). So I fucked her whilst admiring the she LFC souveniers, after about 25 minutes and I'd finished she pulled her knickers up and started crying saying she enjoyed it but it was her first time and wanted it to be more special, also asked would we be seeing each other now, hhhm, suffice to say she didn't see me again.

 

 

Met a girl in town, walking her home, dying for a shag, slips her knickers off into her handbag, escort her into George henry lees loading bay, about 4 ft off the floor, start 'loading' her and the shutters come up, some fella with a big pump truck, fairly emabrressing.

 

 

Shagged a girl and her ma in huyton once Ma was fitter than the bird, bird was getting stoned whilst I was shagging her ma in front of her.

 

I'll do some more later.

[Guest Ulysses Everett McGill]

One time, at band camp..........

[Unrighteous]

Went back to a girls with her and her mate, started shagging her whislt her other mate fell asleep, about an hour in she started saying she felt bad (maybe she had a fella, don't know) anyway she climbed off got in the single bed where her mate was asleep in, I then also got in the bed behind the mate, hands started wandering, she seemed game so her knickers came down, I started shagging her whilst she was clinging on to the mate I'd just shagged, two minutes later we were out the bed and she'd pulled a bag out with a mssive dildo in it. I was fucking her with that whilst wanking and her mate was lying in bed watching it. Back of county road that took place, classy girls.

 

I've another Ibiza story that runs along a similar storyline.

 

I was in the Mexican Restaurant in San Antonio, Fuge probably knows it, the ones with the sombreros on the chairs. Anyway, these two aussie girls were sitting at the next table, and one was dead fit, and one was good looking with major league warlocks. Anyway, I was sat there with this couple that I met in ibiza town that were cool and they are like, 'yeah, go talk to them' so, I did just that. They were well cool and were saying let's meet up later at Hush (how I learned about Hush being ace late) and so after drinking with the two that I met in Ibiza town, I headed down to Hush with them and we met up with the Aussie girls.

 

Luckily for me, I just sent the couple back that way, saying that I was going to stick around and Im sorry to not be sharing the taxi back with them, etc., when the super fit aussie girl said, "We're tired, we're going to head back to our room."

 

I pulled out the old, "Well, my hotel is in Ibiza town and there aren't any buses right now, could I just crash at yours for a bit?" to which, the big breasted one was like, "yeah sure! Come with us!"

 

So, I knew the big breasted one was fancying a bit of dirty... and I was more than willing to oblige.

 

Anyway, big titties and I started making out and whatnot, and her friend got into her bed and turned off the lights and whatnot... and I start shagging big titties, who wasn't exactly quiet.

 

Well, we switch from mish to doggy and aren't being covered by the sheets very well and I look over at the friend and she's watching. Really watching. So, I throw the sheets off her mate and start taking longer strokes, and then I look back over and the friend had pulled her sheets off and was fingering herself watching. So, I had enough to drink that I wasn't going to orgasm really quickly, so I yanked off the johnny and walk over the super fit friend and she starts making with the suck treat.

 

I then shagged the friend whilst big tits rubbed her tits on my back and ran her hands all over me.

 

What a fucking ace night.

[dirty_sanchez]

Lance, you're pretty fly for an orange guy. Good work.

[Unrighteous]

Lance, you're pretty fly for an orange guy. Good work.

 

Chicks dig ginge.

[funkster]

Lance , can i tag along on your next night out - pretty please

[Fugitive]

I've another Ibiza story that runs along a similar storyline.

 

I was in the Mexican Restaurant in San Antonio, Fuge probably knows it, the ones with the sombreros on the chairs.

 

There are two but if you mean the Tijuana Tex-Mex, it's one of the greatest places ever.

 

Ibiza Restaurant - Tijuana Tex Mex - Mexican Food - San Antonio Ibiza

 

It's stunning inside and is designed to look like an underground Authentic Mexican Tavern.

[Unrighteous]

That's the one, Fuge.

[manwiththestick]

Speaking of Ibiza, i was in Eden with this bird and i'm there dancing my tits off and she's all behind me rubbing herself up against me she then make a bee line for my cock and starts rubbing it and shout down my ear than she wants my dick in her asap.

 

We carry on for a bit and she tells me about this run down derelict villa she had seen on the way down from the hotel and says she wants me to fuck her up against one of it's walls?? Anyway me being a gentlemen agree to her request and after a trip to KFC we are making our way back to the hotel when we stumble across the said building.

 

Needless to say we make our way over to it and proceed with shagging up against this wall where people walking past could see us and i gotta load of "way heys" and "get in there lad, give her one for me". Ace.

 

Ended up marrying her.

[lifetime fan]

Have some rep.

[George Costanza]

the best i've heard was from my cousin who pulled a really fit bird. went back to here apartment and after a bit of fondling etc she asked him to lie under the glass coffee table while she rubbed her bits ontop. to his frank amazement and horror she decided to curl one off right on the top of the glass table. everytime he tells it i'm in stiches.

 

Apart from prague a few weeks ago when i hit the holy grail, my splapper experience has been limited to a coupldof dirty bitches who'll do it anyway, anywhere and everywhere.

 

oh i nearly forgot one of my mates shagged a bird on a gravestone in poulton's St Chads church on christmas eve/christmas day.