is it possible to tell the missus she`s putting on weight?

[chrisbonnie]

ok, first things first, the missus is no jo brand, but she`s slowly creeping into the "comfort zone"

 

ive been going out with her for 6 years and we own an aprtment together, so its not a matter of, "well, you`re getting tubby, so fuck off" but how can i let it be known, ive been racking my brain for about 2 weeks now, but really cant see how, i was thinking of getting her a dog, that way she`d have to walk it, but thats unfair on the dog, as she`d be in work all day, plus, buying a pet for a present, i just dont really agree with it

 

she`s not particularly lazy, and doesnt eat loads, but she`s a fucker for snacking,

 

she`s like any other bird, she`s a in a gym, gets a fad, goes for 6 weeks, doesnt end up like Kate moss, so its back on the crisps

 

any gentle solutions would be helpful lads, its a pity their not like us, we can just take it on the double chin(ha ha, fat joke) but the birds are a wee bit more delicate

[hamstrung]

Get your mum to take in all her clothes, so they are 1 size smaller.

[RedKnight]

Just tell her.

[Stu Monty]

She should know herself.

[chrisbonnie]

Just tell her.

 

 

i think we both know that wont go down too well,

[Uncle_Meat]

Next time you go to walk past her stop and give her a great big hug. When she asks "aww. that's nice, what's that for?" just say "I didn't have the energy to walk around you."

 

Job done.

[kopitegaz]

i think we both know that wont go down too well,

 

Who do you want to do the Eulogy at your funeral?

[Fugitive]

Start buying low fat food or stock the cupboards with nothing but dust. When she asks why, adopt a tone of voice similar to Clint Eastwood and say 'One of us needs to cut down and it ain't me fatty'.

 

Sorted.

[She Knows It]

Try suggesting that you think you should both take a look at your bad habits and try improving them. She'll still say "Are you calling me fat, you fucker?" but at least when she throws it in your face during an argument you can answer "I didn't say that", even though you'll both know technically that's what you meant.

 

If she's happy with her new size then there's nothing you can do about it, it's her body and if you love her it shouldn't make a difference that she's put on a few pounds. If she's putting on weight but constantly bitching about it that's another story. Sometimes we women do actually need a kick up the arse to put the brakes on, but do your best not to be cruel about it.

[RedinSweden]

Fuck a really skinny bird in front of her. Lasses are very good at taking hints.

[Guest davelfc]

Loosen the screws on the chairs in the kitchen so when she sits on them they collapse.

 

Buy a tuba and follow her around

 

When she flops down on to the couch, you jump up as if the counter effect of her mass hitting the chair has forced you up.

 

Get a t-shirt with 'no fat chicks' on it. I have a spare.

 

Put most of her clothes in a very hot wash then tumble dry them. They'll shrink and she'll get the message.

 

When you are out with her and you see someone who is curvy, tell her they're really fat and it is making you feel sick.

 

Tell her not to get on top as your hips are hurting from the last time.

 

Buy another mobile phone (cheap pay as you go) and send her sexy texts from a stranger (you basically). Make sure you put in them that you've seen her from afar and you like the cuddly type. Use her phone and find the texts. Have a big fuck off row and leave her for 6 months. She'll be like a rake when you return.

 

Oh sorry, you wanted to get her to lose weight, i thought you wanted to fuck with her mind and mentally torture her.

[melons]

what do you do? do you smoke drink to excess or anything???

 

gooy like but, you could use the line, "we're happy i want to be together for a long time yet, and if we carry on at the rate we are going we will be dead before we hit 50

 

lets do this together, start the gym, give up the fags lower the alcohol intake and so on??"

 

bleugh, that was finger down the throat material that.

[Stu Monty]

If she's cool with putting on weight and you aren't then you need to talk about that because you've got an issue with a difference of opinion on a pretty big issue. My missus had some issues with her wieght and I was cool with it because she was telling me she wasn't happy at that weight and wanted to come back down; that's a pretty big thing. I see it as a respect thing and so does my other half; if one of you sees it differently it's going to be an issue.

[melons]

just to add i had the line used on me once, "i dont fancy you as you've put on weight", it hurts like fuck, and when you do actually work your ass off at the gym 3-4 times a week, (basically any time you can find someone to have the kids) if i wasn't so shocked at the brashness he would of got a kick in the nuts.

[thisisanfield]

Either buy a set of scales for your house or if you already have some put them in a slightly more obvious position, she'll never catch on!

[Fugitive]

Buy her some deodorant and when she asks why tell her she is starting to sweat a lot and has a bit of a BO problem. She will then put two and two together and realise she is a bit chubby.

[Spy Bee]

Write 'put me down fatty' in the butter.

 

If that doesn't work put a padlock on the fridge.

 

If that doesn't work, talk to her about saving up to buy into a franchise of Maccies. Tell her that it seems like a plan because her heart is definitely in fast food.

 

If that doesn't work move all the furniture closer together so she has to really squeeze through. Totally deny having moved anything.

 

If that doesn't work, spray graffiti all over your walls saying things like "Fat people are ruining the world" and "folk against fatties" and "Justice for non fat bastards". Claim that you have been burgled by activists.

[robslappa]

Ask her if she thinks if you've put weight on and regardless of the answer tell her that you're going to have start doing some/more excercise and healthier eating, cutting out the snacks etc, cos you reckon the pounds are piling on. Then a bit later say it would be easier to do this with someone rather than on your own and would she help. It might make her think about herself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Obviously this doesn't work if you're already as fit as butchers dog.

[Guest davelfc]

Remember that only a real lowlife shallow bastard would dump a women because she has put a little weight on. Well that's what my ex told me anyway.

[Fugitive]

When she goes to bed, sneak in the bedroom with the hoover and some KY jelly. Lube both the hoover and her bum hole up then stick the hoover nozzle right in there and you have yourself a DIY colonic irrigation.

 

If she wakes up tell her tell her she is dreaming.

[Ted]

Call her saddlebags and attempt to ride her around the living room like a horse.

[Woo]

Play this around the one the house alot.

 

Of course everyone should like Morrissey so doubly your hearing some more Moz.

 

[YOUTUBE]G-q7-lH8cbs[/YOUTUBE]

[Spy Bee]

Get fridge magnets that say "Are you sure you want to do this?", "Have you looked in the mirror?", "Nobody likes fat girls" and other motivational phrases.

[longballs]

Buy yourself some new clothes, new aftershave, stop out late, work away a few weekends etc etc. She will think that you have someone else and will starve herself with worry or realise that she needs to get her act together to 'keep you'.

 

You get new clothes and a better social life, whilst she gets thin = WIN WIN

 

 

 

 

Alternately she may turn to comfort eating :(

[Soleilrouge]

Buy another mobile phone (cheap pay as you go) and send her sexy texts from a stranger (you basically). Make sure you put in them that you've seen her from afar and you like the cuddly type. Use her phone and find the texts. Have a big fuck off row and leave her for 6 months. She'll be like a rake when you return.

 

 

 

 

this is pure genius