Euro 2008 Group A Preview

[Nunavut Patrick]

Suisse

Czech Republic

Turkey

Portugal

 

 

How I want it to end up:

 

CZ

TUR

SUI

POR

 

 

Switzerland- not even a real country. Never fought in any wars but profited immensley from them. How this 'nation' of cantons survived the digital age is beyond me considering the extinction of the cuckoo clock...oh wait, every scumbag the World has ever known banks there. And, to top it off, UEFA and FIFA are HQ'd there. Well, nothing spreads faster than pond scum algae and Lake Geneva should look about as mucky as a slags snatch at the Grafton with all the putridness that congreates in Suisse. Don't even have a decent beer.

 

And moreover, those Swiss guards couldn't even protect the Pope.

 

Portugal- Ahh, the Cardinal Revolution. In 1974. Jesus, it took these dopey Iberians until the 70s to realize that colonialism might not be the best idea. Like Angola and Mozambique were going to be happy under European rule whilst the rest of Africa has independence. Oh well at least they held out long enough so that Abel Xavier could be born under Portugese rule and spit his dummy out at Euro2000. Forever in the Iberian shadow of their neighbors. Vasco da Gama was a twat as well. Well, he must of been. Let's face it, it's just a dumping ground for 25 quid holidays for pissed -up chav wannabees. Ronaldo would just be a rent boy except he can do the odd stepover.

 

I await it to invetiably end in tears. Even on their home soil they couldn't be powerhouse Greece.

 

Turkey- interesting this one, perhaps the most secular Islam state but don't tell the Armenians aboot that, or for that matter those touchy people at B'Nai Birth (there can be only one you know-everyhting else is genocide). Sided with the Hun and let's be honest if not for the incompetance of a certain Admiral who Winston told to push on up the Dardanelles could have been breached quite easily and we'd not have to listen to all those Aussie moans aboot Gallipoli (Jesus, Newfoundland lost a good wedge in one day at Beaumont Hame, Canada even more at Vimy).

 

I hear Constantinople is a bit like Glasgow with two solitudes but less of the laying down on train tracks, drinking blind for days on end and they don't eat the entrails of sheep. No wonder Scotland doesn't qualify for much these days.

 

Czech republic- has any country being screwed over more than the Czechs? (Well, besides Poland) This is the nation that gave us pilsner beer for fucks sake. We should cede them Liechenstein and Austria. Good ol' Peace-for-our-time Neville sold them out and the Gerries turned Skodas into Panzers. Then the Ruskies rolled in the Spring of '68. AND THEY INVENTED PILSNER AND THE UN DOES NOTHING!!!! Finally the Wall comes down and their Slovak neighbors get all greedy on them; but the Czechs have learnt their lesson well and we have the Velvet Divorce. How could it be any other way in a country that invented Pilsner.

[JagSquared]

Quality ranting!

[Faustus]

Just a shame Belgium didn't make it...

[robslappa]

Superb stuff NP.

[Bourbon]

If he does a preview on every Nation, can someone bang it all into one thread/document, please?

[Nunavut Patrick]

GROUP B

Austria, Germany, Poland and Croatia

 

How I want it to finish:

 

POL

GER

CRO

AUS

 

 

Poland- has any nation suffered as much as the Poles? It was Churchill who said that. Stuck between Mother Russia and the German juggernaut is it any wonder they consume vodka second only to the Ruskies. I'll always have a soft spot for Polonia as the two biggest reasons we won #5 were the Pope and Jerzy. As well, myslf being a good union man (Teamster for 10 years) it was heartwarming to see Lech Walesa bring down the Wall. Oh, the neo-conservative crowd try to credit Maggie and Ronnie, but seriously that bitch was too busy snatching milk and Ronald too busy wathcing re-runs of Bedtime For Bonzo so they don't deserve the credit.

 

Poland has decent beers as well, OKOCIM being one of them. And I was in love with a Polish girl once. They have a rare hue of blonde hair- not the bleached almost-albino blonde of Finns and Estonians, nor the All-American strawberry blond of Californians, but a sort-of blonde by default, possibly from generations of ingestion of grain spirits, I dunno. If you're out there Anna, I'll be thinking of you when Poland play. There'll always be a small part of my heart for you.

 

Austria- Only here because of co-host status. Lost all credibility with that draw in Italia 90 (or was it USA 94) with the Gerries. Austria, it would appear, is a magnet for evil, what with Adolf being born there and the propensity for its citizens to lock up offspring in dungeons. I think they peaked with the composers, Mozart et al. To me, classical music is only appropriate when the porn stars are costumed up in 18th century garb and getting schlonged on a piano. But uppity people like it and flock to Salzburg and the like to sit in cafes and be snooty and listen to chamber music. I'd rather listen to Mongolian street kids banging on piss pots. Vienna in the Spring and all that, like no where else in Europe does spring come. Or is that Paris? See, they all try and claim Spring. Fucking Alpine depravists. And Vienna in Austrian is Wien...like weiner. They couldn't even have their own Empire, had to share it with the Hungarians. I bet the Germans hammer them this time, there'll be no Anchluss in 2008 or 'agreed upon draws'.

 

As well, thier team couldn't even beat the blueshite back in 85.

And the skiing is better in Italy.

 

Germany- The German Purity Law. Amen. Land of Beer. Lederhosen. Autobahns. All Laws after the Purity Law are meaningless, it should be a Declaration, a Manifesto, a Bible all put into one big sausage and devoured.

 

Oktoberfest. Black Forest Ham. Steffi Graf (TENNIS!). Who doesn't want a Beemer or a Merc?

 

But of course a little trouble at the beginning of the 1940s and everyone is on their case. Oh, and the reserving of sunbeds with nothing more than a fucking flip-flop or Hawaiin Tropic lotion is slightly annoying as well. What the hell is it with that? We had to give back Gdansk and the Sudentland but you lot are not getting this sunbed so there.

 

Any nation that produced players named Rummenigge (I used to run around yelling that out and people thought I was racist), Rudi, and Der Bomber and has a club called Wacker Munchen is ace. Bonus marks for the Shoemaker taking off that pussy Battiston's head in 86. Which of course denied our Michel a chance at the WC. Or was it 82? Who cares, it was damn funny seeing the clothesline dropped on Battiston.

 

Croatia- of any of the 'new' nations the Croats seem to be the most sucessful. People seem to forget that they were more facsist that El Duce himself. They've gone further and qualified for more that Serbia, Serbia and Montenegro, Macedonia, McDonalds, Repulblic of Montenegro,Bosnia and Hercegovina, Slovenia, Kosovo, Dejan Stankovjic's house and Red Star Belgrade, Arkan Freedom Fighitng Serbian Butchers and whatever other melding that the Balkans have outputted on the UN in the last two decades.

 

My only gripe with these, besides the strange brand of neo-national fanatical fascism (HAVE THAT STU MONTY!) is those checkerboard tablecloth uniforms. Truly awful and I read somewhere they have some sort of fascist undertone. I loved Davor Suker and loved him even more when he turned out to be shite for Arsenal. But I reckon he was the love child of a Serbette.

 

And does anyone else picturte the Dalamation Coast as being riddled with spotted dogs and fire stations.

 

I think Belgians should be brought in and the Croats, Serbs, Bosnians, Slovenians, et al can take out their time immorial rage on them and return Yugoslavia to its former glory of producing decent Olympic basektball teams and wonderfully individualistic talented but flawed footballers.

[aws]

Brilliant as usual.

[donmaths]

Your rantings should be made into a book. Hats off, Sir !

[Hazel Motes]

This should be in the mag. Spot on as always.

[Newport]

Your rantings should be made into a book. Hats off, Sir !

 

Yep, The NP Book of Ace Rants.

[Erik T]

Very entertaining indeed -keep it coming, please.

 

I have to disagree on Switzerland, though. Feldschlösschen is an ace beer, and how could you forget about your favourite chocolate bar Toblerone? Then there's everybody's favourite Swiss footballer Henchoz who cleared the ball off our goal line in the FA Cup 2001 final with his hand -and got away with it!

 

On another note, Austria's infamous deal with Germany was in Spain 1982 - both went through if Germmany won by one goal only and wouldn't you have guessed it; 1-0 to the Krauts and Algerie were out. But nothing beats the 2-2 result between our Scandinavian brothers in Euro 2004, sending Italy home :lol:

 

Battiston was in 1982 as well.

[Nunavut Patrick]

Group C

 

NED

ITA

FRA

ROM

 

How I want it to end up:

 

NED

ROM

ITA

FRA

 

 

 

The Netherlands/Holland:

 

Holland will always have special meaning for us Canadians as we liberated them in the War AND they don't forget it, like certain other nations in this group. The Dutch Royal Family were hidden in Ottawa and there are thousands of donated tulips that bloom every Spring. Compare that to the French, whose twat surrender monkey leader shouted about Quebec independence off a balcony in Montreal in 1966. Yeah, thanks for Dieppe and Normandy eh?

 

Sadly, the Dutch football nation is always at war within itself. Cruyff in 78, they always seem on the verge of implosion. And who cannot but help like Dirk Kuyt, no matter your opinion of his effectiveness. And the legend, the Dortmund legend of The Big Dutchman, Erik Meijer. His double against Hull City and now Hull are in the Prem for the first time ever. Coincidence? No.

 

Whist their group mates are busy switching sides and copitulating, the Dutch are sticking fingers in dykes (oo-err matron), reclaiming the sea, smoking ganja and being quite liberal about things like sex changes, sex, transgendered people, sex, euthanasia and the like. Amsterdam is like Las Vegas minus the heat and tackiness with some quality prossies thrown in and no Miller Lite or Budweiser.

 

Yes, the Dutch are great! They're like Danes but with better beer. And pickled herring. Mmmm...

 

Heineken. Truly the nectar of the gods. Even if the Cork-brewed version is the best (c. Gav).

 

France- Ah, the French. Leaving aside the usual (Platini, surrender, snails, garlic, mustard fields, wine that is overrated and been ooutdone by Chile, Aussie, and anywhere else grapes grow) there is still more reasons to hate these.

 

Brigit Bardot and her save the seals. Someone should club her the old Muslim-hating twat. Air France, another joke- one of their jumbos flew off a runway in Toronto because the pilot...ZUT ALORS....decided to land in a raging thunderstorm and put the beast down HALF WAY DOWN THE RUNWAY. And the French had the gall to get pissy with Canada and send over their own investigators. Probably thought we weren't on the metric system. Conclusion: Make a longer runway. Here's my conclusion: Next time you build a fortification MAKE IT LONGER AS WELL..like to the Sea. Idiots.

 

Arrogant bunch as well with their Michelin ratings. How do you get three stars? By making the common garden slug palatable and not something tarts in bikinis shove in their throats on Fear Factor. Or by being snottier than Big John Terry around Argentine strikers. Michelin? Shite. Bridgestone better.

 

Perhaps the only decent thing to come out of France was that Citroen deux cha voux- that tin can that you and two of your mates could pick up and turn around so that when the owner came out he'd be bemused.

 

Italy- my wife is half Italian and I've spent 16 years of marriage trying to suppress her Italian side (except for the passion between the sheets). Her old fella was old school Italy, yelling all the time, waving the hands. He was like Gattuso on speed at times and stubborn. In Italy you are either napping, yelling, gesticulating or stabbing English in the arse. I mean, they certainly aren't governing as they've had 48 governements since they picked the wrong side in the 40s. And their domination of the Mafia is on the wan as the Russian, Lithuanian, Hong Kong, etc etc mafias move in.

 

However, their salami still rules. And their wine is decent as well. Still can't forgive Marco Polo for nicking pasta from the Chinese and poor Giovanni Caboto, my God they'd all be speaking Italian in Newfoundland if they' backed him and not sent himm packing to the awaiting English, who quickly named him John Cabot. Who knows, maybe the'd have colonized the New World as well. I guess that's were it all started to go wrong- Eritrea, Ethiopia, siding with the Axis.

 

Romania- Who can forget Hagi and the scalp of Argentina he handed his people at USA 94. Have to love a country that fires more bullets than Will Smith and Martin Lawrence in Bad Boys into their ex-commie leaders on Boxing Day. Romania has proper gypsies, proper vampires and even their bear population is on the upswing (I read it yesterday- who knew there's bears in Romania). Also have to love a footballl club qualifying directly into the CL called CFJ Cluj 1904 or something. And the thumping the third club in Bucharesti laid on the blueshite. Their yellow uniforms are a bit harsh on the eye, especially with the dark gypsy complexion of most of their players. I'm sure there is more to the place than vampires, curses and Maradona of the Carpathians but the only other thing I remember is that little gymnast from 1976 Olympics who got perfect 10s (she looked like she was 10).

 

So, the Romanians and the Dutch for me.

[RedSand]

Absolute Gold :thumbup:

 

Keep 'em coming!

[Erik T]

Excellent reading. I'm really looking forward to the description of Sweden. Will Pripps or Falcon beer get a mention? The dyslectic king (who wrote his title as "knig") and his comments against Norwegian whaling while on his way to fox hunting? The beautiful blonde girls? Sven Göran Eriksson and his mistresses in the FA and BBC. Zlatan. Vikings raiding the British Isles (rape & pillage) while high after eating mushrooms?

[Nunavut Patrick]

And finally, Group D

 

Spain, Greece, Sweden and Mother Russia

 

How I want it to end up:

 

ESP

CCCP

GRE

SWE

 

 

Spain- The Galicians may be the most guilty of the cod nickers who have raped the Grand Banks of Newfoundland, but if truth be told the bastards have been going there since the 1300s or so, unlike the Danes (ie-the Faorese) whose ancestors got lost and ended up in Greenland. And Franco was a piece of work,Real Madrid are pricks and the Spanish Inquisition was a tad brutal but did inspire a great Monty sketch (Python, not ginge Stu).

 

However, I fear Spain have no chance winning this as they did not include Josemi in the squad. We all know they can't be parading around a trophy without him getting in the pic.

 

Spanish women are incredibly hot as well. French women don't shave, Greek women NEED to shave, Italian women are too busy accusing you of cheating and throwing knives at you. The beer is good and sangria is a wonderful sit on a patio and watch the fit Spanish birds go by drink. It's a shame the tourista ruined the Costa. And how can you not love a country that tosses live sheep off towers, has a huge tomato fight and lets bulls loose in the streets.

 

Viva Espana!

 

Greece- Home of the Olympics, home of mythology, home of civilization, home of...fucking shut up already. Is there any nation that lives in the past so much as the Greeks? Like Zeus was real. Their recent history revolves around hating Turks and living off the EU subsidies. I mean this is a civilization that sent LESBIANS away to an island (which might explain the fascination with bum sex). No wonder all those Greek philiosphers had time to think about shit 24 hours a day. The Greeks thought about stuff whilst the Mongols conquered and Romans orgied thier way through early history. Plunder, rape and pillage not think, philosphize and invent an alphabet, which is used by stupid preppy boys at universities all over the US. Some legacy.

 

Don't get me wrong, I was more than happy when they made that bitch Ronaldo cry but they played robotic football. I'm sure Plato and his mates would have a good think about that. And don't forget they almost went to the Commies in 1947. Bonus mark though for the pissed up ferry captain watching footie as he grounded his ship.

 

Russia- 11 time zones, boreal forests, deserts, mountains, touching the fair skinned of the Ukraine and the yellow menace of Red China, bordering the brown man of sub-Asia (I do not recognize most of the ickystan states- it'll always be the CCCP to me.) The Road of Bones in Siberia, the Siege of Stalingrad, Rasputin and that Boney M song, the highest rate of alcoholism. What a nation! The moment of the 60s had to be Nikita banging on his desk at the UN- the man with his finger on the red button losing it.

 

And they had a proper Revolution as well, even if Uncle Joe took things a bit far later on and the Proletariat never really became the Proletariat and the upper echelons of Russian leaders were no better than the capitalist pigs they doctrinated against. Who doesn't love a parade as well? The Yankee pig parades around New York with inflatable turkeys whilst the Russains roll out the army and nukes on May Day. Much more impressive.

 

And Boris Yeltsin. What a character. The John Daly of world leaders. And Putin. If there was UFC for world leaders he'd be tapping everyone out. The women, who seem to lay off the hooch, are quite stunning as well. Even our Red Nick has nicked one for himself. Kournikova, Sharipova I can look at ova and ova again. And the Russians were furs. Nothing sexier than a Russian minx in nothing but a mink coat.

 

As well they have the best national anthem. I say fuck off the new enemy of terrorists and bring back the Cold War. I'd join the Russians.

 

Sweden- Not sure what ErikT is on aboot, never heard of those beers, I thought the Swedes just drank that god-awful glog. I should probably like the Swedes as my only way out of where I live is by a plane made by Saab. But guess what- the fucking thing is always breaking. And my first car was a 68 Volvo which promptly broke and cost a fortune to fix. Probably needed some spare widget left over from an IKEA coffee table.

 

However, my real beef with the Swedes is that in the late 70s and 80s the Canadian govenrment, in an effort to get us fit, claimed that a 70 year old Swede was fitter than 40 year old canadian male. They even had some fucking old Swede on cross country skis (Jack Rabbit Johansson they called him) preaching to us. Well, if they're so fit and wonderful and have the ideal society then why are their politicians always getting done in the streets, why do they have such a high suicide rate,why did they invent a ball room at their furniture stores???

 

And the myth about their women being horny. It's a myth. Swedish women are not submissive sex starved sex kittens. They've been raised under the liberal socialistic model and they think they are equal to men and deserve all the same rights as men- like equal salaries, more daycare so they can have a career. A career? Just what is wrong with staying home, popping put little Ingemars and Bengts to assemble Volvos and chop down forests for Billy bookshelves. Any decent country stopped at the vote and driver's licences for women but those neutered fucking Swedes had to go further. Notice how with all your equality and social justice your birth rate is dropping, which is why you have shite strikers like Zlatan as you can't replace your population and you need immigration.

 

I did like ABBA, though.

[Unrighteous]

Mmm.... Russian women.

 

[Stouffer]

Absolutely fucking brilliant NP.

 

And as for the Russian, so true.