One night stands

[General Dryness]

the smiley was meant to be b  ) 

 

Even an accidental discharge gets a neg. You won't make that mistake again.

 

Talking about discharges, Stigs right. If you snooze you lose, and she needed to be spaffed on.

[Champ]

If I ever had a one night stand and the bird fell asleep after cumin before I had shot my load then I would (and have) knock one out into her hair. It's the rules. Then in that situation i'd ring a cab, fuck off then ring your mate up and tell him you dropped a girl off in a taxi and let her in as she was a) lost and B) said she knew you guys.... let her (and your mate) talk their ways out of that. 

 

 

Even an accidental discharge gets a neg. You won't make that mistake again.

 

Talking about discharges, Stigs right. If you snooze you lose, and she needed to be spaffed on.

 

What a bunch of charmers

[General Dryness]

What a bunch of charmers

 

Ahh come on, we're not on the pull here, so we can be honest. If we were in a club and there was rumpy pumpy at stake, every man here would be a perfect gentleman. Not Noos, obviously.

 

Anyway, are you telling me you've never gone back to some random innocent guys house, violated him sexually, wiped your muff on the curtains, told him he was useless and left?

[Trumo]

Ahh come on, we're not on the pull here, so we can be honest. If we were in a club and there was rumpy pumpy at stake, every man here would be a perfect gentleman. Not Noos, obviously.

 

Anyway, are you telling me you've never gone back to some random innocent guys house, violated him sexually, wiped your muff on the curtains, told him he was useless and left?

 

What kind of slag do you think she is?

 

 

 

 

She'd have washed the curtains and baked a few brownies before leaving!

[General Dryness]

What kind of slag do you think she is?

 

 

 

 

She'd have washed the curtains and baked a few brownies before leaving!

 

I've never heard it called that before. Still, as euphemisms go, its not bad.

 

She might even have a fumble around in her bag for the last mint imperial.

[Sugar Ape]

Good attempt at getting the thread back on track Adebisi.

[FanchesterCity]

Many many years ago, I used to play in a band.... I was about 15 at the time, and the rest of the last about 19 - 23. So I was a bit wet behind the ears...

 

I got chatted up by a mother and daughter (yep, really happened) and invited back to their place (not the rest of the band, just me). The mother was worse than the daughter with her innuendo and general comments.

 

Anyway, being as innocent as I was, I said no, since a) I told them I had to help shift all the gear into the van and b) I didn't really know what I was turning down.

 

It was only on the drive back in the van that I get educated in what I'd just said no to. Although at 15 (in those days) I was still a virgin anyway and would have ran a mile probably, even if I'd known.

 

Needless to say, never happened again. But how often in life is that fantasy (mother and daughter) even likely? million to one maybe?

[Champ]

I've never heard it called that before. Still, as euphemisms go, its not bad.

 

She might even have a fumble around in her bag for the last mint imperial.

That makes it sound like I shat about the place

[Pureblood]

More like 3-1 in Gateshead.

[General Dryness]

Good attempt at getting the thread back on track Adebisi.

 

I haven't really got any good one night stand stories. Alll pretty basic stuff.

 

Best one was a girl I sort of knew through friends, crowd of us went back to one of the fellas flats after a club. Plenty more beer and moroccan woodbines involved. Night wore on and gradually people left or went off to one of the other rooms to crash, till it was just me and her left in front room on the couch. We just cracked on from there really. She was a bit of a hippy chick so I was expecting bush, so I was pleased to see there wasn't a hair on it. Had to go down on her for about an hour while awaiting wee willy winky to recover from the drug and alcohol effects. But hey, once he was up and in, I lasted almost the entire length of "Blow Your Mind" by Jamiroquai. The album version. Thats 8:35. Booya.

[General Dryness]

That makes it sound like I shat about the place

 

Euphemisms are great aren't they? I notice you haven't denied any of the other charges.

 

Hussy.

[Champ]

That makes it sound like I shat about the place

  

 

More like 3-1 in Gateshead.

Or that. If that's what I think you're saying.

 

Is my boy reading this, d'ya think? * screws face up at the thought*

[Harry Squatter]

My mate cracks me up with some of the shit he gets up to. He had a scrap with a copper in Southport and it went through the courts, he ended up having to wear a tag but tried to keep it a secret from everyone in work. We went to Leeds working and he pulled the posh bird out of the office. Think Tinhead from Brookie pulling Liz Hurley or some member of teh Royal family. Next day in work we ask him how he got on after leavin the pub with teh posh bird. He just gets his mobile out and says "look at this" - you then see her on all 4's on the bed and him smashing the back out of her shouting "Who's the man in Leeds, who's the fuckin man in Leeds?" She then pipes up - "Why have you got your phone out?" - he says "I'm just texting my mate", somehow in the height of all this passion he manages to keep his socks on so the bird can't see the tag on his ankle.

This girl is one of the bosses in our place yet is still a massive slag. She was out in July with some people from work, some lad decides to start dancing with her on the dance floor and sticks two fingers ip her skirt. Any normal girl would have punched him or put in a complaint but she let him do it without flinching. Both are married and got told by their boss that they were a "disgrace". They then get a taxi back to his mates flat so they can arty on where they left off, the taxi driver is the husband of some bird who sits opposite me, said that this bird took her knickers off in the taxi and the lad was fisting her. He dropped them off at some moody flat in Walton. Her husband must be so proud of her.

[Hand Shandy]

That makes it sound like I shat about the place

 

There's no getting anything past you, is there?

[Hand Shandy]

  

 

 

Or that. If that's what I think you're saying.

 

Is my boy reading this, d'ya think? * screws face up at the thought*

 

Imagine what you're son's currently doing?

 

Can you hear throwing up sounds coming from the bathroom?

[Champ]

Imagine what you're son's currently doing?

 

Can you hear throwing up sounds coming from the bathroom?

That is even before I've said anything. Immaculate conception with both of you, J

[General Dryness]

That is even before I've said anything. Immaculate conception with both of you, J

 

Is the right answer.

 

I hatched out of a giant egg that my parents found on a mountain.

[Hand Shandy]

Is the right answer.

 

I hatched out of a giant egg that my parents found on a mountain.

 

Oooh, that'll sort the old farts from the whippersnappers...

[General Dryness]

Oooh, that'll sort the old farts from the whippersnappers...

 

My nature is, of course, irrepressible.

[Pureblood]

  

 

 

Or that. If that's what I think you're saying.

 

 

 

Was referring to FanCity "million to one".

[stringvest]

That's fucking awesome, there's a film in there surely?

 

I did once bang a bird who only had three toes on each foot, she was some kind of mutant, didn't bother me though cos all her bits were in the right place.

 

Jobs a good'un.

Crikey!

Was it Lisa Simpson?

[Bjornebye]

fuck sake champ 

[Champ]

fuck sake champ

 

What now?

[Section_31]

Crikey!

Was it Lisa Simpson?

 

Nah she was from Leigh. She told me to finger her arse then demanded I put it in her mouth. I fantasised about Mary Whitehouse breaking the door down and spraying her with a Tommy Gun.

[FanchesterCity]

Nah she was from Leigh. She told me to finger her arse then demanded I put it in her mouth. I fantasised about Mary Whitehouse breaking the door down and spraying her with a Tommy Gun.

 

I've had to tip my hot chocolate away after reading that.

 

To be fair... we've probably all done some pretty dirty stuff. Hands up (bad choice of words) all those that have probably done something or had something done that they will NEVER confess? ;-)