Bedroom Horror Stories

[Faustus]

Seeing as this place seems to be inhabited by a percentage of sick-minded fuckers ("have you defiled a bird in their sleep" thread) I thought this thread would make interesting (and amusing) reading.

 

Probably the worst thing to happen to me was a few months ago when I got absolutely hammered one night and ended up shagging a bird who's got a bit of a reputation for being a bit of a slag. As I was fucking slaughtered, I didn't use a condom when I've always been very careful regarding contraception.

 

Anyway, the next morning I took her round the local cafe for a bit of breakfast and I was determined to gauge an estimate of her sexual history and if this slag reputation was warranted. I asked her how many people she'd slept with including myself and she stared into space while she totted everyone up, took a sip of her tea and nonchalantly remarked "about 30."

 

Fucking hell, my jaw nearly dropped into my fried brekky and then went off to get tested. I was absolutely convinced I'd caught something from her and was in agony waiting. Thankfully, when the results came back, I was all clear and I don't think I've ever been so relieved in my life. Was a bit of a lucky escape as well because apparently now, there's a strong rumour going around that this unnamed young lady has genital herpes.

 

Absolutely horrible experience.

[Malarkey]

Seeing as this place seems to be inhabited by a percentage of sick-minded fuckers ("have you defiled a bird in their sleep" thread) I thought this thread would make interesting (and amusing) reading.

 

Probably the worst thing to happen to me was a few months ago when I got absolutely hammered one night and ended up shagging a bird who's got a bit of a reputation for being a bit of a slag. As I was fucking slaughtered, I didn't use a condom when I've always been very careful regarding contraception.

 

Anyway, the next morning I took her round the local cafe for a bit of breakfast and I was determined to gauge an estimate of her sexual history and if this slag reputation was warranted. I asked her how many people she'd slept with including myself and she stared into space while she totted everyone up, took a sip of her tea and nonchalantly remarked "about 30."

 

Fucking hell, my jaw nearly dropped into my fried brekky and then went off to get tested. I was absolutely convinced I'd caught something from her and was in agony waiting. Thankfully, when the results came back, I was all clear and I don't think I've ever been so relieved in my life. Was a bit of a lucky escape as well because apparently now, there's a strong rumour going around that this unnamed young lady has genital herpes.

 

Absolutely horrible experience.

 

Name names, Faustus.

[Faustus]

Name names, Faustus.

 

Anne Onymous.

[She Knows It]

You were taking a chance there, shagging a Vegas bird with no protection. Could've been a lot worse than herpes!

 

Just out of interest, how old are you? The only reason I ask is cos I was talking to my friend recently about number of sexual partners. She's no slag, but she reckoned she'd had nearly 30 (not saying my mate was this girl!), and I was astounded. But she's never really had a long term relationship as such, more a series of 3 month long ones (she's 31).

 

So 30 isn't that bad, unless your girl was about 18 and then yes, she's a tart.

[Faustus]

You were taking a chance there, shagging a Vegas bird with no protection. Could've been a lot worse than herpes!

 

Just out of interest, how old are you? The only reason I ask is cos I was talking to my friend recently about number of sexual partners. She's no slag, but she reckoned she'd had nearly 30 (not saying my mate was this girl!), and I was astounded. But she's never really had a long term relationship as such, more a series of 3 month long ones (she's 31).

 

So 30 isn't that bad, unless your girl was about 18 and then yes, she's a tart.

 

I'm 19 and she was the same age as me. 30 is just an unbelievable number for a girl my age. Couldn't believe I'd shagged her without a johnny, because as I said, I've always been careful.

[She Knows It]

Classy bird. Doesn't surprise me though, atypical of the type you'd pick up in Headlocks on a Friday night. Probably been sexually active since she was 10. Ooh, you dirty little bastard!

[Malarkey]

Faustus you sure your plums haven't dissolved yet?

[Faustus]

Classy bird. Doesn't surprise me though, atypical of the type you'd pick up in Headlocks on a Friday night. Probably been sexually active since she was 10. Ooh, you dirty little bastard!

 

I felt dirty enough that night just mingling with the commoners down Skid Row.

[She Knows It]

I felt dirty enough that night just mingling with the commoners down Skid Row.

 

I know what you mean, you'd most likely catch crabs from looking at a mugshot of half the stripy-jumpered bastards, so I can't even begin to imagine what the females are harbouring.

[coop]

Seeing as this place seems to be inhabited by a percentage of sick-minded fuckers ("have you defiled a bird in their sleep" thread) I thought this thread would make interesting (and amusing) reading.

 

Probably the worst thing to happen to me was a few months ago when I got absolutely hammered one night and ended up shagging a bird who's got a bit of a reputation for being a bit of a slag. As I was fucking slaughtered, I didn't use a condom when I've always been very careful regarding contraception.

 

Anyway, the next morning I took her round the local cafe for a bit of breakfast and I was determined to gauge an estimate of her sexual history and if this slag reputation was warranted. I asked her how many people she'd slept with including myself and she stared into space while she totted everyone up, took a sip of her tea and nonchalantly remarked "about 30."

 

Fucking hell, my jaw nearly dropped into my fried brekky and then went off to get tested. I was absolutely convinced I'd caught something from her and was in agony waiting. Thankfully, when the results came back, I was all clear and I don't think I've ever been so relieved in my life. Was a bit of a lucky escape as well because apparently now, there's a strong rumour going around that this unnamed young lady has genital herpes.

Absolutely horrible experience.

 

That rumour only started since been with you as well.

[CrouchieBoy]

had a similar story to Faustus.. My first year at my current uni, these girls had a party right behind our house as a sort of welcome to the new year. Walked in the place, was drunk soon there after and woke up to this...

 

A very square looking bird stark naked, covered in piss and crushed crackers on my bed. Hadn't even put the mattress cover on the mattress yet. Needless to say, the lads were gettin on me cause i didnt strap up and she has no idea how many dudes she been with.

 

was two years ago and thank fuck my nads havent turned a funny color

[Spy Bee]

Ah I miss the days of casual sex with strangers.

[Uncle_Meat]

I feel quite innocent and pure reading this thread. I've never defiled anyone (well, not unknowingly) in bed either.

 

 

Closest I can think of, a right old "drink/smoke/take as many drugs as possible" party in Ssefton Park, when I lived just off Lark Lane. I remember the start of the party, then I remember waking up in a well rough bed, in a well rough flat in Toxteth next to a well rough judy.

 

So, what does a bloke do in that situation. A) Make coffee? b) Wake her up for round 2? C) Bugger off sharpish?

 

Yep, C. And I never saw her again.

[Duff Man]

I once boned a bird on my dad's bed and either I was amazing or she pissed herself. The stain she left was fucking huge. Had to scrub the mattress all fucking day to get rid of it.

[Duff Man]

I feel quite innocent and pure reading this thread. I've never defiled anyone (well, not unknowingly) in bed either.

 

 

Closest I can think of, a right old "drink/smoke/take as many drugs as possible" party in Ssefton Park, when I lived just off Lark Lane. I remember the start of the party, then I remember waking up in a well rough bed, in a well rough flat in Toxteth next to a well rough judy.

 

So, what does a bloke do in that situation. A) Make coffee? b) Wake her up for round 2? C) Bugger off sharpish?

 

Yep, C. And I never saw her again.

 

I always go C. In fact I don't really have an A or a B.

[bri]

"I was wrecked and she was a tart"

 

classic line.

 

30, yeah I guess that might be a few for 19. Always use a nodder lad or she might be knocking on your door in 9 months......... then again good chance it might not be yours.

[Elmyn Noos]

I'm not sure what the problem is with any bird who has notched up a few. Not going to yak on about how come when a fella does it he's a lad, and when a bird does it she's a slag, but I for one am glad there are girls out there who love shagging blokes.

 

There are way too many birds, particularly it seems in this country, who see their muff as some sort of holy grail and feel you owe them something if they let you near it.

 

Hats off to the great british slag, I say. She meets a bloke, she likes him, she fucks him. I got no problem with that.

[Duff Man]

I'm not sure what the problem is with any bird who has notched up a few. Not going to yak on about how come when a fella does it he's a lad, and when a bird does it she's a slag, but I for one am glad there are girls out there who love shagging blokes.

 

There are way too many birds, particularly it seems in this country, who see their muff as some sort of holy grail and feel you owe them something if they let you near it.

 

Hats off to the great british slag, I say. She meets a bloke, she likes him, she fucks him. I got no problem with that.

 

Is right. Plus, practice makes perfect. So get practising girls.

[dudek#1]

I feel quite innocent and pure reading this thread. I've never defiled anyone (well, not unknowingly) in bed either.

 

 

Closest I can think of, a right old "drink/smoke/take as many drugs as possible" party in Ssefton Park, when I lived just off Lark Lane. I remember the start of the party, then I remember waking up in a well rough bed, in a well rough flat in Toxteth next to a well rough judy.

 

So, what does a bloke do in that situation. A) Make coffee? b) Wake her up for round 2? C) Bugger off sharpish?

 

Yep, C. And I never saw her again.

 

Definitely C, that goes without saying.... but I once surpassed that by raiding the fridge and cupboards, filling some carrier bags with the loot before fucking off sharpish. My housemates and I had a proper good meal for the first time in ages that night.

[martyfree]

I was dagging this bird one night and threw my back out. Im only 24 and thought it was nothing a year and a half later and an operation to remove some of my disc im only getting right now.

[RedinSweden]

I was once doing the old beast with two backs with the lass on top and she twatted her head on a shelf, fell off me, fell off the bed and caught herself on the bedside table on the way down. Had to go to casualty.

[Anny Road]

I once bust my banjo string on the job. Blood everywhere.

[She Knows It]

I once bust my banjo string on the job. Blood everywhere.

 

My 13 yr old son snapped his a few months ago. Never seen blood like it. Thought he'd need a transfusion!!

[RedinSweden]

My 13 yr old son snapped his a few months ago. Never seen blood like it. Thought he'd need a transfusion!!

 

Did he admit how he'd done it?

[Anny Road]

My 13 yr old son snapped his a few months ago. Never seen blood like it. Thought he'd need a transfusion!!

 

Ah 13 and furious wanking. That was a great time in my life.