Thick people

[Harry Squatter]

I always love buzzing off thick people and some of the things they come out with.

 

Here are a few classics I've heard over the last year or so:

 

I went to watch Real Madrid last year and told this lad at my gym who isn't the brightest. I said "Yeah, went there, it was great, Beckham, Raul, Cannavaro Robinho are brilliant and well the Bernabeu is amazing" - the lad said "Yeah, he's f*ckin boss that Bernabeu, great player him"

 

Me and my mate went to Moscow and we were telling this woman on our section about visiting Lenin's tomb, I said that the body looked like a waxwork dummy. The woman said "Why is Lenin buried in Moscow when he was shout outside his flat in New York and why didn't they bring him back here where he was born?"

 

She also asked why we had to apply for a visa for Russia "Is it so they think you've got access to money incase you get stranded there?"

 

My Uncle works for Merseytravel and has lived abroad for most of his life, one of the women asked him where he bought his tie - he said "Tie Rack" - she said - "you've been to loads of boss places, you"

 

My mate went out with a thick scally bird and he managed to convince her that dwarfs don't have to pay taxes.

 

My girlfriends boss asked her the other day whether Belfast was the capital of Northern or Southern Ireland - he works for immigration as well.

 

Some girl was responsible for sending out train tickets to asylum seekers so they could attend their interviews in Liverpool. She had to assess their journey time so they could arrive on time. She said "So, like, Oldham like, thats near London like isn't it?, dyer reckon he'll get here for 9am?"

 

When I worked for Littlewoods some fella waited 6 months for a sofa because the thick delivery department sent his sofa to the Northern Ireland depot because they thought County Durham was in N.Ireland. I rang the delivery department and asked why they said "well it sounded Irish" - we ordered them a map for Christmas.

 

Anyone else work with stupid people or have conversations with them purely to buzz off them?

[Anubis]

I was in Liverpool Mags talking to a female solicitor who I thought was a very intelligent girl. She had a client being brought from custody in Norwich, and asked me where it was?! Scary.

[NIred1]

Was in Salt Lake City when i was about 16, me and my dad were in this factory outlet. I went up to the counter with these shorts to ask if they had my size and the fella gives me this wierd look and says "hey dude, where are you from" to which i say Northern Ireland, and the reply still makes me chuckle. "wow! really!?, but your english is so good!" :no :thumbdown

[rondeco]

My missus asked me the other day was Argentina in Brazil. I was laughing so hard that she got embarrassed and said 'I wasn't sure if it was either Spain or Brazil'.... Unbelievable..

[NIred1]

My missus asked me the other day was Argentina in Brazil. I was laughing so hard that she got embarrassed and said 'I wasn't sure if it was either Spain or Brazil'.... Unbelievable..

 

she must be a real looker:whistle:

[Harry Squatter]

Was in Salt Lake City when i was about 16, me and my dad were in this factory outlet. I went up to the counter with these shorts to ask if they had my size and the fella gives me this wierd look and says "hey dude, where are you from" to which i say Northern Ireland, and the reply still makes me chuckle. "wow! really!?, but your english is so good!" :no :thumbdown

 

 

Americans own the rights to stupidity regarding the rest of the world. I did Camp America a while back and the things they came out with were unbelievable. One woman on Camp was trying to show 2 Czech girls how to use a hairdryer as she thought "Hungaria" had no electricity.

 

Some fella I worked with in Immigration caught a South African guy and told him that he was being deported. He asked what airport in South Africa he wanted to fly back to, he said "East London" and the immigration guy said "I'm deporting you, you idiot and there is no airport in East London, only Stansted, Heathrow or Gatwick" - the guy argued for 20 minutes about this not knowing that there is a city in South Africa called East London.

[WaltonRed]

On the coach down to Glasto my mates bird and her mate had some stupid geography travel game, just guess the capitals sort of thing.

 

They couldnt eveb pronounce some of them let alone were they are in the world. I said Lima for Peru and they were flabbergasted that I knew the answer it was unreal.

 

One of them is going to South America in August to study for a year aswell!

[Neil G]

I was in Liverpool Mags talking to a female solicitor who I thought was a very intelligent girl. She had a client being brought from custody in Norwich, and asked me where it was?! Scary.

 

You'd be surprised how many people don't know where Norwich is. I certainly was when I went to uni.

[BENIRL]

I deal with Americans all day, everyday. Weird race of people. This guy asked me, did we celebrate St Patricks in Ireland?

[RJ Fan club]

This maybe old hat now I'm not sure, It certainly is with me and my mates.

 

Back in 94 I managed to convince a girl I did 'A' levels with, that KFC breed chickens with 6 legs so they get a bucket out of each bird. I have since heard this story passed round loads of groups, but my mates can swear to me doing it many years ago and before any one else.

[Malarkey]

I was in Liverpool Mags talking to a female solicitor who I thought was a very intelligent girl. She had a client being brought from custody in Norwich, and asked me where it was?! Scary.

 

What is it with Norwich? Some girl out of my school asked me what country it's in, i said its in East Anglia, and to which she replies 'Is that in Norway?'

[RJ Fan club]

What is it with Norwich? Some girl out of my school asked me what country it's in, i said its in East Anglia, and to which she replies 'Is that in Norway?'

 

if you've been you would understand. East Anglia is a void of Britian best left for the sea to reclaim. Although That doesn't excuse people not knowing where it is, I mean you should, just to avoid the fucker.

[The Chief]

4 of us blokes were talking in work and one of the lads said he went the pictures the night before, i said "did you see a trailer for that new film 'Snakes on a plane', how stupid a name is that?", one of the other lads goes "what's that about then?". Dickhead

Me and my ex wife were talking about geordies this one time and she asks where they're from "newcastle" i said, "i knew they didn't sound English" she replied, "but Newcastle IS in England" she shook her head, "well where is it then" i asked, "erm erm, it's nowhere, it's just there"!!! She was a bluenose after all.

[Fallen Angel]

Have one from a few years back.

 

One night when dicussing where to kick off the evening sess, one of the lads came out with "why don't we go to the Muscley Arms". A feeble joke before one guy fell for it! The legend of the Muscley Arms on the Dock Road, grew and grew and GREW.

 

Each time we had a night out and he wasn't there we claimed we had been to the Muscley. When he suggested going, we'd say nah we were there last night. After a while, this dope was claiming his sister had been there but he had yet to to pay it a visit. Soon the claims that he had been there came...:lol:

 

When he eventually realised he'd been suckered MASSIVE some years later he wasn't a happy fella...

[Unrighteous]

Was in Salt Lake City when i was about 16, me and my dad were in this factory outlet. I went up to the counter with these shorts to ask if they had my size and the fella gives me this wierd look and says "hey dude, where are you from" to which i say Northern Ireland, and the reply still makes me chuckle. "wow! really!?, but your english is so good!" :no :thumbdown

 

I laughed like mad at my computer screen. Haha.

[chrisbonnie]

ive a few silly ones, not hilariousl but not bad

 

i was in spain a few years back ,and some yank was trying to buy an ice cream in a shop, anyway, he`s asking for a "popscicle" and ice lolly, all these teatty yank sayins, so, he turns around to me, and says "hey, you`re english right, do you know what they call these things here" i gladly just said, im actually irish, not english, witht his he replies, in all seriousness, "you`re irish??? you must know my friend, john, he`s from cork, you know him" i just said, "who doesnt, and walked off laughing my bollocks off"

 

another oen, in Las Vegas, im buying a bag in the quicksilver shop, the chap behind the counter is trying to make idol chit chat, as they do, yet he couldnt understand a word i was saying, he then asks where im from, i say Ireland, he just goes, "oh man, i seen trainspotting, that place looks awful" i told him that was Scotland, and he said "their not the same country??" fucking moron

 

my missus, while having dinner in a restaurant on the quays of one of canals over is looking at the water, she turns around and says to me "how did they build all them canals with the water in them" seriously, this girl is extremly bright, but i think i laughed for about 30 minutes non stop, thick bint, girld are funny

 

and last but not least, my best mates brother, i must stress, this guy is a complete dope

 

he was in france a few weeks back for a holiday, im having a few beers with him and my mate last week, of course, i asked him how his holliers went, ahy crap he said, france is boring,

 

so i say, i guess the grub was good though right???, and he just puts his drink down, and says, quite liudly "good???? GOOD??? it was fucking shocking, and to top it off, the fucking menu was in FRENCH!!!!"

 

yes dave, you went to france, and the menu was in french, shock fucking horror :whistle:

[Neil G]

if you've been you would understand. East Anglia is a void of Britian best left for the sea to reclaim. Although That doesn't excuse people not knowing where it is, I mean you should, just to avoid the fucker.

 

Norwich is ace. You know nothing.

[Guest PaddyBerger15]

I was in Liverpool Mags talking to a female solicitor who I thought was a very intelligent girl. She had a client being brought from custody in Norwich, and asked me where it was?! Scary.

 

Thats not unusual in the Mags mate, quite often the punters are the most intelligent people in the building.

[NIred1]

I remember in sixth yr this girl was talking about some film or something and she asked me if i was into it too. I swiftly agreed telling her that it was underrated, to which she replied what do you mean. Fast forward five minutes and i am sitting there shocked that i had just explained to an 18 yr old what this word meant. I'm telling you the system is failing

[Dirk]

My mate drove into the tunnel yesterday and he goes "Fucking hell, it's a bit dark in here, innit?" I replied "It's your shades mate."

[Harry Squatter]

I remember in sixth yr this girl was talking about some film or something and she asked me if i was into it too. I swiftly agreed telling her that it was underrated, to which she replied what do you mean. Fast forward five minutes and i am sitting there shocked that i had just explained to an 18 yr old what this word meant. I'm telling you the system is failing

 

 

She probably thought you meant that it was given a 15 certificate but you reckoned it should have been given an 18.

 

Some guy in work asked me what volatile meant - he's 23 and got an A in English, wonder if there are some people you pay to sit exams for you?.

 

Best was when I interviewed a Zimbabwean asylum seeker, he had a posh tim nice but dim solicitor who said at the end of the interview "This Mugambi bloke doesn't sound like a very nice chap does he?" - his client must have been made up that he had such a knowledgable solicitor.

[NIred1]

She probably thought you meant that it was given a 15 certificate but you reckoned it should have been given an 18.

 

Some guy in work asked me what volatile meant - he's 23 and got an A in English, wonder if there are some people you pay to sit exams for you?.

 

Best was when I interviewed a Zimbabwean asylum seeker, he had a posh tim nice but dim solicitor who said at the end of the interview "This Mugambi bloke doesn't sound like a very nice chap does he?" - his client must have been made up that he had such a knowledgable solicitor.

 

 

she actually had never heard of the word before in her life, neither had a lot of the people in the class, me and my mate just sat there stunned:dunno:

[She Knows It]

When I was a teenager I had 2 mates called Mike and Tommo. The two of them had the combined IQ of a fridge freezer.

 

One day Tommo came out with some ridiculous statement (can't remember what it was) and Mike looked at him and said "Christ Tommo, you're fick you are. Fick wiv a capital F".

[Shifty]

Now here's a genius:

 

 

(WBZ) MANCHESTER, NH Police are looking for a man who attempted to disguise himself as a tree and rob a bank in Manchester, New Hampshire Saturday morning.

 

Police say the suspect used duct tape to attach tree branches onto his body as a form of camouflage. He then walked into the Citizens Bank on Elm Street and demanded money.

 

No one was hurt in the robbery and no weapons were used, according to police. The bank was closed and police cruisers blocked off the entrances to the bank as officials investigated the incident.

 

Aside from sporting tree branches, the suspect was also wearing a bluish-colored T-shirt, blue jeans and had thick glasses. He was about 5' 8" tall with a thin build and dark hair.

 

The tree robber was able to escape with an undisclosed amount of cash.

 

 

http://wbztv.com/watercooler/local_story_188151230.html

[Remmie]

My brother went to a car boot and wanted to by a dvd or something and asked how much it was. The guy said £5 and my brother offered him £3. The guy got really angry and shouted 'do I look like a booter?'. Errr you're selling stuff at a car boot with a car in close proximity