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I have to laugh cos thats just what me mother was like. I can remember me brother getting a crack off headmaster at junior school so she went up and decked him.

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Don't know where this is from, or if its even real.


But damn, its hilarious!



bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?


BritneySpears14: Aight.


bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.


BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.


bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.


BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.


bloodninja: Me too baby.


BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.


bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.


BritneySpears14: Hey...


bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.


BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.


bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.


BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.


bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.


bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.


BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of ****.


bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.


bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.


bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.


bloodninja: Baby?




bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it ready for you.


j_gurli3: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.


bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.


j_gurli3: haha, ok lets go.


j_gurli3: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.


bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.


j_gurli3: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.


j_gurli3: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.


bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.


j_gurli3: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.


bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They f*cking charge your ass.


j_gurli3: stop, cmon be serious.


bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.


bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.


j_gurli3: thats it.


bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.


bloodninja: Goddam am I hard now.




BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?


eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.


BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.


eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.


BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.


BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.


eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.


BritneySpears14: What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again.


eminemBNJA: Oh ****


BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up.


eminemBNJA: Oh ****


eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something





Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?


Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?


Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.


Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?


Wellhung: OK.


Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.


Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.


Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.


Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.


Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.


Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.


Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.


Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.


Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.


Wellhung: I'll pay for it.


Sweetheart: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra.My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.


Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?


Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.


Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.


Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.


Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!


Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.


Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.


Sweetheart: What?


Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.


Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.


Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.


Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.


Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!


Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.


Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.


Sweetheart: What's the matter?


Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.


Sweetheart: Are you OK?


Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.


Sweetheart: Can I help?


Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?


Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.


Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.


Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.


Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.


Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.


Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?


Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.


Wellhung: I found it.


Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.


Wellhung: Me too.


Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked bodies pressing each other.


Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.


Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?


Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.


Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!


Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.


Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.


Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.


Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.


Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!


Sweetheart: What's the matter now?


Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.


Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.


Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.


Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!


Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.


Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!


Wellhung: I'm flaccid.


Sweetheart: What?


Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.


Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.


Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.


Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.


Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray,picture frames and your candles.


Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.


Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.


Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!


Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!


Sweetheart: { [logged off]





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bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They f*cking charge your ass.


I like my Rafa sig, but I'm seriously considering a change.


Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?


Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.


Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?


I want this chick's number.


I've got a text file with a load of these, although I've no idea where from - I think it was from wherever I first saw the bloodninja ones. The whole sweetheart/wellhung one is priceless, regardless of whether it's real or not.





Bloodninja: I lick your earlobe, and undo your watch.


Sarah19fca: mmmm, okay.


Bloodninja: I take yo pants off, grunting like a troll.


Sarah19fca: Yeah I like it rough.


Bloodninja: I smack you thick booty.


Sarah19fca: Oh yeah, that feels good.


Bloodninja: Smack, Smack, yeeeaahhh.


Bloodninja: I make some toast and eat it off your ass. Land O' Lakes butter all in your crack. Mmmm.


Sarah19fca: you like that?


Bloodninja: I peel some bananas.


Sarah19fca: Oh, what are you gonna do with those?


Bloodninja: get me peanuts. Peanuts from the ballpark.


Sarah19fca: Peanuts?


Bloodninja: Ken Griffey Jr. Yeaaaaahhh.


Sarah19fca: What are you talking about?


Bloodninja: I'm spent, I jump down into the alley and smoke a fatty. I throw rocks at the cats.


Sarah19fca: This is stupid.


Bloodninja: Stone Cold Steve Austin gives me some beer.


Bloodninja: Wanna Wrestle Stone Cold?


Bloodninja: Yeeaahhhh.


Sarah19fca: /ignore


Bloodninja: Its cool stone cold she was a bitch anyway.


Bloodninja: We get on harleys and ride into the sunset.




Bloodninja:Wanna cyber?


DirtyKate:OK, but don't tell anybody ;-)


DirtyKate:Who are you?


Bloodninja: I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot


Bloodninja:And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's in my Geo Storm.


DirtyKate:You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..


Bloodninja:Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and make an order


DirtyKate: Haha! OK


DirtyKate:Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce.


Bloodninja:Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa John's, how may I help you", then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that's an X-Large. What toppings do you want?


DirtyKate:I want everything, baby!


Bloodninja:Is this a delivery?




DirtyKate:So you're bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I'm home alone... and I think I'll take a shower...


Bloodninja:Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I'll drive to your house.






DirtyKate:I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry up!


Bloodninja:You can't hurry good pizza.


Bloodninja:I'm on my way now though






DirtyKate:So you're at my front door now.


Bloodninja:How did you know?


Bloodninja:I knock but you can't hear me cause you're in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table.


Bloodninja:Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a pizza oven


DirtyKate:Oooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm all wet and cold. Warm me up baby


Bloodninja:So you're still in the bathroom?


DirtyKate:Yeah, I'm wrapping a towel around myself.


Bloodninja:I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door....


DirtyKate:What the f**k?


DirtyKate:You perverted piece of s**t






Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?


MommyMelissa: Sure, you into vegetables?


Bloodninja: What like gardening an ****?


MommyMelissa: Yeah, something like that.


Bloodninja: Nuthin turns me on more, check this out


Bloodninja: You bend over to harvest your radishes.






MommyMelissa: is that it?


Bloodninja: You water your tomato patch.


Bloodninja: Are you ready for my fresh produce?


MommyMelissa: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables... Can you make it a little more sexy for me?






Bloodninja: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach... Sexily.


Bloodninja: I ride your buttocks, like they were amber waves of grains.


MommyMelissa: Grain doesn't really turn me on... I was thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis.


Bloodninja: my zucchinis carresses your carrots.


Bloodninja: Damn baby your right, this s**t is HOT.


MommyMelissa: ...


Bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.


MommyMelissa: What the f**k is this madlibs? I'm outta here.


Bloodninja: Yah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't see. Bitch.


MommyMelissa: whatever.

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Ah, fuck it - knock yourselves out. Only just noticed that hamstrung posted a link above, don't think I've been there before but I haven't really looked at it yet. Here's another couple from my HD.


Girl: Hi

Boy: hello

Boy: who is this?

Girl: just a someone?

Boy: A someone I know?

Girl: nope

Boy: Then why the hell are you bothering me?

Girl: well sorrrrrry

Girl: I just wanted to chat with you

Boy: why?

Girl: nevermind your an asshole

Boy: Hey wait a minute

Girl: yes?

Boy: look I'm sorry. I'm just a little paranoid

Girl: paranoid?

Boy: yes

Girl: of what?

Girl: me?

Boy: No. I'm in hiding.

Girl: LOL

Boy: Don't fucking laugh at me!

Boy: This shit is serious!

Girl: What are you hiding from?

Boy: The cops.

Girl: gimme a fucking break

Boy: I'm serious.

Girl: I don't get it

Boy: The cops are after me.

Girl: For what?

Boy: I'm wanted in three states

Girl: For???

Boy: It's kindof embarrasing.

Boy: I had sex with a turkey.

Boy: Hello?

Girl: You are fucking sick.

Boy: Send me your picture.

Girl: why?

Boy: so I know you aren't one of them.

Girl: One of what?

Boy: The cops.

Girl: I'm not a cop i told you

Boy: Then send me your picture.

Girl: hold on

Boy: Hurry up.

Boy: Are you there?

Boy: fuck you, cop!

Girl: Hey sorry

Girl: I had to do something for my mom.

Boy: I thought you were trying to find a picture to send to me.

Boy: When really you were notifying the authorities.

Boy: Weren't you!?

Girl: thats not it

Boy: Then what?

Girl: I don't want to send you the picture cause I'm not pretty

Boy: Most cops aren't


Boy: Then send me the picture.

Girl: fine. What's your e-mail?

Boy: Just send it through here.

Girl: alright *PIC*

Girl: Did you get it?

Boy: Hold on. I'm looking.

Girl: That was me back in may

Girl: I've lost weight since then.

Boy: I hope so

Girl: what?!?

Girl: that hurt my feelings.

Boy: Did it?

Girl: Yes. I'm not that much smaller than that now.

Boy: Will it make you feel better if I send you my picture?

Girl: yes

Boy: Alright let me find it.

Girl: kks

Boy: Okay here it is. *PIC*

Girl: this isn't you.

Boy: I'll be damned if it ain't!

Girl: You don't look like that.

Boy: How the hell do you know?

Girl: cause your profile has another picture.

Boy: The profile pic is a fake.

Boy: I use it to hide from the cops.

Girl: You look like the Farm Fresh guy lol

Boy: Well, you look like you ATE the Farm Fresh guy....

Boy: Not to mention all the groceries.

Girl: Go fuck yourself

Boy: I was going to until I saw that picture

Boy: Now my dick won't get hard for a week.

Girl: I shouldn't have sent you that picture.

Girl: You've done nothing but slam me.

Girl: you hurt me.

Boy: And calling me the Farm Fresh guy doesn't hurt me?

Girl: I thought you were bullshitting me!

Boy: Why would I do that?

Girl: I can't believe that cops are after you

Boy: I can't believe Santa lets you sit on his lap..

Girl: FUC YOU!!!

Boy: You'd break both of his legs.

Girl: You're a FUCKing asshole.

Girl: I've been teased my whole life because of my weight

Girl: and you make fun of me when you don't even know me

Boy: Ok. I'm sorry.

Girl: No you aren't

Boy: You're right. I'm not.


Girl: I'm done with you

Boy: Aww. I'm sorry.

Girl: I'm putting you on ignore

Boy: Wait a sec

Boy: We got off on the wrong foot.

Boy: Wanna start over?

Girl: No

Boy: I'll eat your pussy

Girl: You'll what?

Boy: You heard me.

Boy: I said I'd eat your pussy.

Girl: I thought you said you couldn't get it hard after seeing my picture

Boy: Do I need a hard-on to eat your pussy?

Girl: I'd like to know that the man eating me out is excited yes

Boy: Well I'm not like most men.

Boy: I get excited in different ways.

Girl: Like what?

Boy: Do you really wanna know?

Girl: I don't know

Boy: You have to tell me yes or no.

Girl: I'm afraid to

Boy: Why?

Girl: cause

Boy: cause why?

Girl: well lets see

Girl: you say you have sex with turkeys. You call me fat. then you wanna eat me out

Girl: doesn't that seem strange to you?

Boy: Nope

Girl: well its strange to me

Boy: Fine. I won't do it if you don't want me to

Girl: I didn't say that

Boy: So is that a yes?

Girl: I guess so.

Boy: Ok. I need your help getting excited though.

Boy: Are you willing?

Girl: What do you need me to do?

Boy: I need you talk like a pirate.

Girl: ???

Boy: When I start to go limp... you say "HARRRR!!!"

Boy: ok?

Boy: Hello?

Girl: You can't be serious

Boy: Oh yes I am!

Boy: It's my fantasy.

Girl: this is retarded

Boy: Do you want it or not?

Girl: Yes I want it.

Boy: Then you'll do it for me?

Girl: sure

Boy: Ok. Here we go.

Boy: I gently remove your panties and being to massage your thighs.

Boy: You get really juicy thinking about my tounge brushing up against them

Boy: I softly begin to tounge your wet pussy.

Boy: I run my tounge up and down your smooth slit.

Girl: mmmm yeah

Boy: uh oh ...going limp.

Girl: Har

Boy: You gotta do better than that!

Boy: Your picture was really bad.


Boy: Ahhhh. Much better. I feel your pussy get more moist with every stroke.

Boy: I softly suck on your clit bringing it in and out of my mouth.

Boy: Your juices run down my chin as your scent makes its way to my nose.

Boy: I begin to feel empowered by your femininity.

Girl: mmmmmm you are good

Boy: I feel your thighs tighten as I suck harder

Boy: going limp


Boy: Mmmm I grab your swelling buttocks in my hands.

Boy: You begin to sway back and forth.

Boy: going limp

Girl: this is stupid

Boy: ...still limp

Boy: Do it!


Boy: I turn you around to lick your asshole.

Boy: I pry apart that battleship you call your ass.

Boy: I see shit nuggets hanging from the hair around your asshole.

Girl: WTF?!?!?

Boy: They stink really bad.

Girl: OMG STOP!!!

Boy: I start to get fed up with your ugly ass

Boy: I tear off your wooden peg leg.

Boy: I ram it up your ass.


Boy: Then I pour hot carmel over your head.

Boy: And turn you into a fucking candy apple...

Boy: I kick you in the face!


Boy: The celluloid from your cheeks hits the side of the cabin...

Boy: Your parrot flys away.

Boy: ...going limp again.

Boy: Hello?

Boy: Say it!








Jdogg:whats goin on


QT-Pie:Nothing. Who are you?


Jdogg:Jdogg. Wanna cyber?


QT-Pie:what does that mean?


Jdogg:what are you wearing?


QT-Pie:T-shirt. Jeans.


Jdogg:Garter belt?




Jdogg:Are we gonna cyber or not?


QT-Pie: uh, okay.


Jdogg:Sweet, I start by rubbing your ass all around. You love this.


Jdogg: You're wet already. I can smell your pussy stink from here.


QT-Pie: WHAT?!


Jdogg: I execute standing position 12 from the Kama Sutra. Passion fills the room. Your head is close to the ceiling fan.


Jdogg:You leave everything to jdogg.


Jdogg:I am completely inside of you. You are my dick puppet. I put on a little play.


QT-Pie:This is weird. I should go.


Jdogg: I drop you on the ground, and lay a stripe down your back.


QT-Pie: A stripe?


Jdogg: I need a sandwich.


QT-Pie: You're a freak.


Jdogg: I was great. You loved it.


You are my dick puppet. What could I possibly add that to top that?

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