Alan Partridge

[Anny Road]

Alan: How much is a Monkey?

Builder: £500.

Alan: Errr, well how much is a mouse?

Builder: There's no such amount. A pony is £150.

Alan: I'll give you £200, that's a Pony and a bag of hooves!!

 

Context: Lynn comes in looking very happy.

Quote: You look awful cheery on the first anniversary of your mother's death.

 

There's never any graffiti in the hotel. Although in the Gents a couple of weeks a go I did see someone had drawn a lady's part. Quite detailed. The guy obviously had talent, that's the tragedy."

[Remmie]

The greatest ever comic creation, and i do mean ever.

I can't think of anything funnier also

 

Want me to lapdance for you?

[Anny Road]

All this wine nonsense! You get all these wine people, don't you? Wine this, wine that. Let's have a bit of red, let's have a bit of white. Ooh, that's a snazzy bouquet. Oh, this smells of, I don't know, basil. Sometimes you just want to say, sod all this wine, just give me a pint of, mineral water."

 

"Can I just shock you? I like wine. Despite what I just said earlier. At any one time I have nine bottles of wine in my house."

[Anny Road]

‘Jet from Gladiators to host a millennium barn dance at Yeovil aerodrome. Properly policed. It must not, I repeat not, turn into an all-night rave

[Owen]

"It's a big fish. Your net's full of holes."

 

"All nets are full of holes."

 

"Granted, granted. But your, your holes are too big to catch the Nobel Peace Prize fish of Literature."

[RJ Fan club]

‘I just want to be able to say “I'm Alan Partridge. Join me tonight when my guests will be, I don't know, Chris Rea”. Actually, he lives in the area. I could have had him over.

“Alright Chris!”,

“Hello Alan I didn't know you'd moved in”,

“Yeah, just moved in, last week. I'm having a barbecue, fancy coming over?”,

“I'd love to! Do you mind if I bring my guitar?”,

“I'd rather you didn't, it's not that kind of area. Do you like Mini Kievs?”,

“I love them! But my wife's vegetarian”,

“Doesn't matter. She can have fish”,

“No she won't eat that either”,

“Oh forget it!. You people”.

Go on, Lynn. These people are starting to annoy me.’

 

 

 

"Well, you're in the right ballpark. No, it actually says Cock, Piss, Partridge."

[Remmie]

Irish dudes see food left for animals

 

Irish: Who's the food for?

Alan: That's for.....errrr....friends

[Mr Piechnik]

Lynne can you cool me down with the hand fan

 

Lynne can you call Bill Oddie

 

Lynne your laughing at weather

[AngryOfTuebrook]

Any messages?

 

Just one, from Bill Oddie

 

Did he leave a message

 

No

 

No, he never does.

 

"Body? What's rude about Body?"

 

"The tits?"

[AngryOfTuebrook]

I've got a fat back. You wouldn't want to see me in my underpants.

[Furmedge]

Lynne, these are sex people!

[Remmie]

I'm such a big head

[Ezekiel 25:17]

The episode on channel Dave tonight is the Norfolk farmers one with Chris morris guest starring in, absolute classic.

 

[Owen]

"B. Oddy? That's Bill Oddie!"

 

"Oh, I thought it was meant to be 'body.'"

 

"What's rude about a body?"

 

*shrugs* "Tits?"

[RJ Fan club]

"Old Robert a bit slow on the uptake there, dunno what he had for breakfast this morning... Presumably an infected spinal column in a bap."

[Guest davelfc]

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Alan Partridge - The Complete Collection - DVD

 

Also on Play.com

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[Pony Princess]

"Old Robert a bit slow on the uptake there, dunno what he had for breakfast this morning... Presumably an infected spinal column in a bap."

 

"I admit that was a mistake. I shouldn’t have said bap. Well, no, I should have said baguette. Because a spinal column would fit in a baguette."

 

"You are a big posh sod with plums in your mouth, and the plums have mutated and they have got beaks.

 

You make pigs smoke.

 

You feed beef burgers to swans.

 

You have big sheds, but nobody's allowed in. And in these sheds you have 20ft high chickens, and these chickens are scared because the don't know why they're so big, and they're going, "Oh why am I so massive?" and they're looking down at all the little chickens and they think they're in an aeroplane because all the other chickens are so small.

 

Do you deny that? No, I think his silence speaks volumes."

 

 

 

 

My favourite episode. The bit where they chuck the dead cow onto him.

 

[YOUTUBE]MrOBqn0asug[/YOUTUBE]

 

"Help, I'm trapped under a cow... it smells.. there's an udder on my leg..."

[rubble-rouser]

"Cliff Thorburn is primarily a snooker player."

 

"Take the fag out of your mouth Sue, I can't hear what you're saying."

 

"They're cremating him? Good!"

 

"Yes! It's an extender."

[RobbieOR]

'Lynn, Stop going on about Benjamin Netanyahu, you're never going to meet him'

 

'Ooh scary Irish men. Would you like to recruit me? I like your berets. They're worn by Saddam Hussain, Frank Spencer and the French'

[Pony Princess]

The classic bit as discussed including Chris Morris as a special guest

 

[YOUTUBE]XCeNROdfDIE[/YOUTUBE]

 

[YOUTUBE]yW4yAPpEwT0[/YOUTUBE]

[The Golden Eel]

I've just been eating some mousse

[Melchett]

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[RobbieOR]

'I'll just speak over you, Lynn'.

[The Golden Eel]

"That is me. I evolve, but I don't...revolve. Or vice versa"

[RobbieOR]

'She was certainly in line when God was handing out chests or mammary glands. Ooh, I’d love to have it off with her'

 

'Do you like my cones? They’re little ones, I got them from a cycling test centre'

 

'I’ve got a clean licence. Yours is dirty! You’ve got six points, I’ve got two… points'