Wank Phrases people use at work.

[NoelM]

Have some rep. I'm off to the IT department to insist on see the Scrum master and get the cunt to fix my laptop.

 

Without wanting to be negged, in short it's a technique for developing software as opposed to the traditonal 'waterfall' approach. A scrum master is basically the person responsible for ensuring the methodology is followed within a company or team.

 

It was 'invented' in the States and shite phrases aside, it's actually very effective if done properly.

 

Anyway enough of that else my hard earned, meagre reputation will be decimated in the blink of an eye.

 

We are using agile now too, however I only realised at a meeting recently that I had been using 'waterfall' for 15 years.

Seriously though, you know that the people who come up with stuff like "Champions", "Scrums" and "Sprints" have never played sports in their lives.

[Reacher]

We've just started doing our banking differently, finally dragged ourself out the 20th century and a lot of it is online now. I was in the office on Wednesday and a few of the lads were being shown what to do, usually sound. Words like "protocol, procedure, touching base. "

 

Instead of putting numbers on a piece of paper they are going on a spreadsheet, you really don't need to sound like that. I'll read the "memo" that will no doubt have been left for me and tell them I'm fine with it all. Oh sorry, "I'll touch base and let them know how their new protocols are amazing."

[Rotpeter]

Talent acquisition manager. Ffs.

You work for a pimp?

[Creator Supreme]

Has anybody gone through Mary Gober training?

 

I actually refused after a colleague put me in the picture, he subsequently rechristened it Mary Gobshite training!

 

After reading up on it, Mary Gober needs a boot in the minge!!

[grazywalker]

I have been on a good few courses . Some better than others but they all have elements of bullshit in them . They are often full of complicated methods of thinking when generally just use common sense and if you are relaying on these courses to control every element of how you work then you become a massive bellend .

The biggest pile of shit I heard was in relation to changes and attitude . It read as some sort of equation as in " if the need for change is greater than the resistance then apply the ..... Model of solution . I mean what the fuck ? Just speak English and sort it out .

and you know what else I fuckin hate .... STEP CHANGE .

just sayin .

[Paulie Dangerously]

Handed my notice in this week as have a new job. Operations manager got me into a room

 

"Are you the SPF for anything?"

The what

"SPF. Single point of failure"

Do you mean is thee anything I do that no one else does?

"Yes"

Yeah my whole job.

[NoelM]

"Deck" - when did a powerpoint presentation / slideshow become a "deck"? Some guy said it about 20 times on a zoom call yesterday like he learned the word and wanted to use it as often as possible

 

[Dr Nowt]

1 hour ago, NoelM said:

"Deck" - when did a powerpoint presentation / slideshow become a "deck"? Some guy said it about 20 times on a zoom call yesterday like he learned the word and wanted to use it as often as possible

 

First noticed it 10 years ago, when a weird little programme manager cunt I was working for started shoe-horning the word into every conversation, obsessing about having them created - obeying his uniform style - by each team member, for everything we ever did, and visibly being inordinately pleased when gazing upon them for their own sake. He also insisted everyone on his staff used the same font (style and size) and bullet points as him in all email communication, internal and external, like Major Rawls telling McNulty to file that report for the Deputy Ops.

 

Called me over one day perfectly sincerely and said, you've been paid to write before, haven't you? When I said yes, he said I've created a whole universe I want to write up into a series of 10 books, what do you think to this for a plot idea? He then proceeded to outline what, though I'd never so much as picked one of these books up, I believed to be the central thrust of the Harry Potter series, about a boy wizard, his wizard school, his evil nemesis, and such. Backed away with a frozen look of having just been touched somewhere I didn't like, and went back to my chair without a word. Proper helmet.

 

As an aside, legitimately heard some of Brendan's supposedly off-the-cuff classics previously via this fella. The likes of "This programme is like trying to build a plane but while it's already in flight".

 

Never a great sign for the new manager of LFC, that.

[Dr Nowt]

He was basically this on legs.