Almost got caught

[razor]

i remember when i was about 14 i decided to crack a sneaky wank in my room, i didnt want to be disturbed so i decided in my wisdom to pretend i wasnt home by turning my bedroom light off. i dropped my kecks and jeans and started bashing one out, i heard steps outside my door and just about managed to pull my kecks up over my raging hard on.

my mother asked what the hell i was doing to which i replied "trying on these jeans",

"with the light off"? she replied.

"i was saving electricity"

totaly unconvincing.

 

The quick mind of a bang-to-rights teenager. Excellent.

[George Costanza]

been caught plenty of times by girlfriends. who gives a shit. any bloke or woman who says they don't masturbate is a liar.

[Lucky Pierre]

They say the most sensitive part if the human body is a lad's ears when he's cracking one off...

[Captain Turdseye]

Ace thread. My mate was visiting his nan, who's about 90, at the old peoples home where she lives. He decided to whack one off in the little en-suite bathroom next to her room. She walked in on him mid wank, then walked straight back out again. He said he finished his wank before leaving the bathroom to face the music.

[Charles Penrose]

Back in about 1998 I was bashing one out in my bedroom. I vividly remember the subject matter being Sabrina the Teenage Witch, having just seen her in a revealing red dress on Nickelodeon. I was lay back in bed holding the sheet up with my teeth.

 

At the very point of explosion my bedroom door opened. It was my old dear, proclaiming 'Kevin's at the door' (kevin being my best mate at the time). Of course it was impossible to stop mid-ejaculation, and difficult to hide my wank face as my jizz plastered the underside of my duvet. I'm sure I pretended to have been woken up and hence was yawning.

 

So yes, I had a conversation with my Mum whilst ejaculating.

[Unrighteous]

I lived with 3 lads in Dublin for a number of years while I was working/studying. Myself and two of the other lads were on the beer on a Friday night and arrived home late. We were acting the bollocks monty python holy grail style mock horses so burst in the front door and into the sitting room to encounter our fourth house mate lying on the ground, pulling one off, watching porn with a hair brush up his arse.

 

I dont think I ever laughed as much in my life.

 

Needless to say he moved out a couple of days later without speaking to us.

 

[Trumo]

I lived with 3 lads in Dublin for a number of years while I was working/studying. Myself and two of the other lads were on the beer on a Friday night and arrived home late. We were acting the bollocks monty python holy grail style mock horses so burst in the front door and into the sitting room to encounter our fourth house mate lying on the ground, pulling one off, watching porn with a hair brush up his arse.

 

I dont think I ever laughed as much in my life.

 

Needless to say he moved out a couple of days later without speaking to us.

 

hopefully it was the handle part up his jacksy?

 

id have just asked him, WHY :wow:

 

Yeah it was the handle part mate. Thankfully it was his own which went with him a couple of days later.

 

He was lying down yet had a hairbrush stuffed up his ringpiece? That thing must have disappeared all the way up.

[rb14]

He was lying down yet had a hairbrush stuffed up his ringpiece? That thing must have disappeared all the way up.

I've wanked lying down with a hairbrush up my hoop loads of times. Move along please, nothing to see here. In fact all you straight boys who haven't had some arse action whilst wanking are seriously missing out.

[Furmedge]

And here endeth the thread.

[Adebisi]

Closest for me is when I was about 15 flicking through my brother's copy of Max Power. I had my hand down my school trousers and was tugging away when he burst through the door looking for it. I pulled my hand out, shot up and darted out the room. Which actually took him by surprise and he said I nearly gave him a heart-attack.

 

Ironic really..

 

Perhaps my lowest point though is getting told by my mum to "stay off them fucking porn sites" when I was 14. We'd just gotten the internet and it was like I'd died and gone to heaven. I'd be rubbing them out before and after school and before bed if I found something particularly hot.

 

It got pretty grim actually. I got a whiff of love-jam one day while sat at the desk and decided it was time to cut down.

 

Oh and round about the same time my mum's mate was doing virus protection shit for us and she asked me if I knew how to change my background. I wasn't sure so I asked if she could show us. I had a Bart Simpson picture saved so I asked her to use that. I also had about 30 pictures of Briana Banks with her cheeks spread or with a cock up her bum..

 

Awkward fucking stares all round. Just thinking about it makes me cringe.

[Bjornebye]

fucking brilliant thread. we need more wanking stories.

 

i very nearly had a wank over the student bird sat at her pc across the street from me last night. in my mind behind her screen she was wearing a towel, rubbing one out over xhamster webcam whores or something.

 

In reality she was probably in a manky t-shirt typing a 50'000 word essay on social equality with a warm pot noodle on her thighs

[JohnnyH]

Just repped Remmie from his page 1 story. Makes me laugh every time.

[Magic Sponge]

Closest for me is when I was about 15 flicking through my brother's copy of Max Power. I had my hand down my school trousers and was tugging away when he burst through the door looking for it. I pulled my hand out, shot up and darted out the room. Which actually took him by surprise and he said I nearly gave him a heart-attack.

 

Ironic really..

 

Perhaps my lowest point though is getting told by my mum to "stay off them fucking porn sites" when I was 14. We'd just gotten the internet and it was like I'd died and gone to heaven. I'd be rubbing them out before and after school and before bed if I found something particularly hot.

 

It got pretty grim actually. I got a whiff of love-jam one day while sat at the desk and decided it was time to cut down.

 

Oh and round about the same time my mum's mate was doing virus protection shit for us and she asked me if I knew how to change my background. I wasn't sure so I asked if she could show us. I had a Bart Simpson picture saved so I asked her to use that. I also had about 30 pictures of Briana Banks with her cheeks spread or with a cock up her bum..

 

Awkward fucking stares all round. Just thinking about it makes me cringe.

 

That's brilliant.

 

This threads boss.

[Bjornebye]

agreed magic sponge. I've had to minimise and keep going back to it. that brazilian lad one had me in tears. cheeky bastard i'd have fucking battered him.

[Lee909]

agreed magic sponge. I've had to minimise and keep going back to it. that brazilian lad one had me in tears. cheeky bastard i'd have let him batter my ring

 

Fixed

[Bjornebye]

Fixed

 

hahahaha funny bastard

[Magic Sponge]

Stigs battered ring piece.

[Bjornebye]

Stigs battered ring piece makes me want to get caught wanking (then sucked off) by code.

 

fucking mucky that.

[odris]

fucking mucky twat me.

 

Oh aye.

[Melchett]

My mate caught me sniffing his sister's knickers while wanking, lets just say it made her funeral the next day very awkward.

 

BOOM

[Sugar Ape]

Think I've posted this somewhere on here before, but I was on holiday in Magaluf a few years ago with my mates and 3 of us were sitting in the living room about 5 playing cards and having a drink and the other lad sharing with us was in the bedroom trying to have a nap, so he said.

 

One of my mates went into the room and let out a massive " What are you doing you dirty bastard " so we looked in and my mate ' having a nap ' was wearing just a T-shirt, trying to cover his dick and his face was blood red.

 

Turns out he pushed the two single beds together and in his words ' thought it'd be nice to try and shag the crack in the middle of them. '

 

I'm best man for him in October and I'm sorely tempted to bring it up in my speech.

[lifetime fan]

Think I've posted this somewhere on here before, but I was on holiday in Magaluf a few years ago with my mates and 3 of us were sitting in the living room about 5 playing cards and having a drink and the other lad sharing with us was in the bedroom trying to have a nap, so he said.

 

One of my mates went into the room and let out a massive " What are you doing you dirty bastard " so we looked in and my mate ' having a nap ' was wearing just a T-shirt, trying to cover his dick and his face was blood red.

 

Turns out he pushed the two single beds together and in his words ' thought it'd be nice to try and shag the crack in the middle of them. '

 

I'm best man for him in October and I'm sorely tempted to bring it up in my speech.

 

Do it.

[Remmie]

agreed magic sponge. I've had to minimise and keep going back to it. that brazilian lad one had me in tears. cheeky bastard i'd have fucking battered him.

A lot of people say that. However, considering it was 5.45am, he was butt naked with presumably a stonking boner and I only had my undercrackers on, wrestling him was about the last fucking thing on my mind!

 

I'm best man for him in October and I'm sorely tempted to bring it up in my speech.

Hate to be a captain sensible fucking cuntface but don't do it. Controversial stories at weddings don't go down well. I should know, having the groom's first post speech words be "you made it sound like I paid for sex".

 

The classy thing to do would be to allude to it so he has that shit yourself moment but then change it to something else at the last second.

[Ezekiel 25:17]

Wigs and Remmies stories still making me howl years later, that's the gf for yer.

[lifetime fan]

Not been caught myself but a bird I'd pulled in town got caught by my old dear.

 

I'd recently split from the ex and had moved back in with me Mam, only the cheeky bitch had turned my old room into a dressing room. I didn't plan on stopping there long so put up with it for a couple of weeks.

 

Anyway I'm in town having a few beers (a lot actually) and get chatting to this sort who is obviously up for some naked dancing, get her in a taxi and next thing we're in my old room and turns out she's a right dirty peice.

 

As I'm stood up trying to get a johnnie on she grabs a bottle of me mam's shampoo and starts fucking herself with it, it had a shiny metal dombed lid on it.

 

Next thing I know me Mam bursts into the room and turns the light on saying 'Colin, get into bed you drunken idiot' to find me trying to get a johnnie on and some slag dildoing herself with her shampoo bottle.

 

Awkward doesn't even come close.

 

Bottle looked something like this.